Do not allow your wounds to transform you into someone you are not.
– Paulo Coelho
Five days ago, I stumbled upon this quote from Paulo Coelho and it hit me. I realised something, too.
Months after letting go of bad relationship, I am perplexed how much I changed. For days of incessantly crying my heart out and pouring out all the bottled up emotions and deep seated anger, for all the irrelevant questions I asked God too many times and wanting answers all at one time, I bounced back and threw all the dirt away from stumbling down that big puddle of mud.
But as the days past, I have let my patience and understanding self outgrown the love into abhorrence. Almost all the things I disliked in my past were eating me away and letting me become it. What have become of me? I am becoming mean, and it left me a bad trauma when it comes to men.. especially when I get to meet men with a certain age group.. Not just online but in person as well. In lieu with my work, most times I get to mingle with people from all over the world and talk to them as well, not all of those I meet but a few so to speak. When I’d learn about the age, there’s this feeling I don’t understand and something in my head would tell me to stop talking and never again talk to them. Ever. And been there too many times.
I have turned down people especially men who would like to make friends and get to know me a lot of times, too. Because of fear the past entails.
Moreover, I have used sarcasm as my humour which was not good. I have been always upfront, honest and too transparent to people but most times, especially when I know the person is not doing anything nice, I’d strike out and become sarcastic. That’s not so me. I used laughter and smile as a mask, too. To cover up all these wounds and pains that I had and I am feeling and pretended as if I wasn’t feeling anything. It felt good only in the start but all along, it wasn’t actually. It’s even more painful.
My heart has become numb. Sure it was great not feeling anything, but seeing people around you getting hurt from myself being insensitive, hit me. I was not really happy. It wasn’t really nice. It was more painful seeing them hurt, it was worse kinda pain compared to the pain I felt in the past.
What have become of me? I have asked myself that, too many times today.
I have become someone else.
I have become someone I am not.
I have let these wounds transform me.
I have let the hate eat away the love.
I let anger took over everything.
I missed out the beautiful things God created for me, I missed happiness.
I inhaled and exhaled hate instead of love.
I forgot to enjoy life as it is, instead I was full of complaints and rants and took notice of the negative instead of the positive.
I forgot to be thankful for the little things and the big things, too.
The past relationship left not just a bad/awful/foul taste in me mouth but also, a deep wound. It made me loathed love. I loathed my very own self.
I do not know as to how forgiveness will take place, or will there ever be forgiveness? I don’t know.
If only things were different, if only I could turn back time.. but I can’t.
I am still taking one day at a time to heal though God has His ways, greater ways than that of what I have. He let His grace come to me and make me realised that there’s still more to what I am becoming. Love moves in mysterious ways, indeed but God’s love moves in an oddly overboard mysterious ways. LOL.
Slowly, His love is melting these abhorrence into something greater. It is a bit hard, and I am learning things the hard way, too but it’s all worth it. I am not sure where I am going but I am not afraid as God is always with me, and always has been. I doubt if I can and will find the person meant for me but I do not fret. It’s all in God’s hands.
Learning to love LOVE itself and understanding it more, or maybe I haven’t really known love that much.. I haven’t find the person God prepared for me, so it seems I will not know love until I will meet him.
Loving myself even more these days and appreciating life more and more each day. I have been blessed and always has been since the day God made me. There’s still a lot of challenges and trials I need to surpass but I will get there. Life doesn’t just end here, it has just started. 🙂
Just like other humans, I commit mistakes, I have flaws, I have shortcomings and I am not perfect. But I am trying to be good and do good. 🙂
I will get there. Soon. 🙂