My weight doesn’t define me nor reflect what my heart looks like.
– Mikee Cane
There’s a video circulating over the internet from Taryn Brumfitt, from Australia and the founder of Body Image Movement that posted “before and after” photo of herself but her before and after were not the usual or the stereotype before and after. Her before photo was when she was so “fit and sexy” and her after photo is the opposite but looks more than happy and contented of what and how she looked like (photo and video posted below).
This hit me, it’s like a slap on my face. It felt like it was me on that mirror looking at myself disgusted and unhappy.
Reminds me of the time when I was still young, I have always been aware of my body figure. I grew up being “chubby” which means, I am “bigger and stumpy” compared to my classmates and the kids I used to play with.
I have always been bullied that’s for sure but didn’t took that one so seriously.. it was like I was already used to it that I am not worried about it and well, I was still a kid. I care less about what I looked like.
It was a long journey back then, a lot of ups and downs when it comes to losing and gaining weight.. I had my share of dark times: the times where I really hated myself for what I look like and not being in the “norms”. I hated myself that I didn’t looked beautiful. That my body was stumpy, I am too fat, too flabby and jiggly.
My before was 4years ago when I lost a lot of weight and my waistline went from 32″ to 28″ but I was not that completely happy and comfortable on who and what I am. My after photo was way too far different from where I was 4years ago but definitely happy about myself.
I was slender and I felt sexier, my abs were perfectly flat and flawless, no extra bumps and just enough curves. Couple years passed and I met someone whom I thought who accepted me for who I am like he used to tell me but it wasn’t how it ended eventually. It came to the point where I got too tired and became unhappy coz I can’t live up to people’s standards and stereotype of being beautiful and “sexy”, of trying my best to “fit in” and be accepted, most of all feel loved. It was one of the many reasons why I gave up the relationship with the recent past because I was totally the opposite of what he wanted. I wasn’t the woman he wanted. I didn’t fit in his standards. And darn, I cannot live to that standards either. I also let my weight, size and appearance defined me. I allowed myself to believe that to attain love and success, I have to be “thin and sexy”.
I’ve had enough and can’t hold on any longer. I couldn’t find the sense of holding on and hoping I’d still be loved and accepted so I let go. It wasn’t easy process but along the way I’ve learned to embrace and accept the imperfections and flaws, and I still have them today. I have learned to love myself more and I learned that I don’t need other people’s opinion and approval on how I should look like and fitting in their definition of being beautiful doesn’t really matter. I learned to do things for myself even more than doing it for others like I used to creates more happiness and satisfaction these days. My time is limited, too so I don’t need to waste it any more to living my life to get others approval and satisfaction.
Lastly, I have learned that by fitting in or doing what others wanted you to do so that others will love you will do no good. Loving starts from oneself, if you want others to love you, then love yourself first. Remember, too that when someone says he loves you and accepts you, he/she will show you how much he/she does and mean it. Loving is not a one way street. Relationships, intimate or personal relationships isn’t always take and take or give and give but give and take. Giving a lil love to thyself attracts more love from others and attracts people who will matter the most.
As the saying goes, beauty is a state of mind, which is true. Being beautiful is not measured on how much makeup you wear nor how skinny or curvy your body is; it’s neither the fancy dresses and accessories, showing cleavage or belly buttons but beauty is being your true self, it’s about being happy; accepting your flaws and imperfections and living your life instead of someone else’s. Beauty is something you own, something no one can and will take away from you.