When being strong is MY ONLY option actually. 🙂
Feeling bummed the past days.. almost two weeks already. I had my last post blurting out how bushed I was and I’d say I feel the same way still.
Or maybe a lot better. I am not sure. I can’t fathom these feels actually.
Too tired of feeling weak and bummed out so decided to change the phase today.. or slowly changing that is.
Been thinking on a lot of things(which I normally does the whole time), stressed out a lot not just physically but emotionally and mentally. I wish I can spill every thing but my mind and my heart can’t even describe it(yes, there’s this words again). There were issues here and there, things that I so wish to tell someone that I’ve been wanting to tell for so long. Pent up emotions but I assure, no grudges and hard feelings 🙂
There were days I feel like my existence doesn’t make sense, like most days or the past days.
Yeah, human as I am, I have my moments.
I feel like just getting by and just randomly existing because I have to.
You know, you just wake up in the morning not knowing the reason who you wake up for? Or who you fight for?
Who do I live for? I don’t know. Oh sheet!
Now I really wonder.. Feeling so weak.
These questions always hit me and maybe, just maybe I have been so dependent to others about validating my worth, and why I exist.
Who do I really live my life for and fight for? That is the question and a whole lot more. hahaha
Also, there’s this times that I feel like chasing people again, for attention, love and time and maybe affection, okay, yes.. affection(trying to deny it but I guess that’s true which is I am denying again. blah).. which I don’t think I really am doing but still, I feel so. Even if I only want the person to know that he/she is appreciated, others end up shutting me down and just evaporates out of the blue(it’s a cycle.. this is life’s cycle so shut your thoughts, I know I’ve been here before)
I am having a hard time accepting or practicing sharing to others these days and cousin knows as to why.. it’s not because I am being selfish but because of the issue on giving to someone too much and giving things that one doesn’t really have.. but technically i don’t mean personally doing it, it’s others doing it. (Yeah, I know.. i shouldn’t care about it coz it’s their business)..
Oh well. I have known long ago my purpose but still, I am not that strong some days.
I let myself get drown with these feels for days to teach myself a whole lot again..
- that I don’t need people to validate my worth to make me feel good and accepted.
- i don’t need to chase people for love, affection, time and attention.. it’s not a good thing, besides, if it’s not freely given, it’s never worth it 🙂
- if someone new (whether a friend, family, whatever that person’s role may be) don’t expect too much from them, don’t expect that they’ll stay, too. people come and go, and that’s a fact but i will really try not to attach myself like i always do.
- it’s none of my business how much or what people give to others but i will do my best to tell them what they’re doing is too much and also have to think what they need to give and whatnot.
- i don’t think i can do this but i will try.. well i will surely do it but one step at a time. hahaha
Over with the bullets format there.. hahaha.
On a serious note, I was really down yesterday and too tired, and too sleepy.
Talked to my brother from another momma half awake and passed out hearing him talking but can’t remember what was it now. It was a bummer however I am so thankful to have him around. He’s the only one I can talk to about things and he’s one of the people who understands what I am going through.. well maybe not every thing as I don’t tell him as much but he knows when I am down and when I lie about how I am. So when I talk to him, tendency is I don’t lie anymore and just tell him I am not okay. Thank God for this man!
Thankful for other people who one way or the other made me and still I am a part of their lives. Those people who don’t need to tell me constantly that they’ll always be there coz they’re already there.
I have removed and shut down people whom I really don’t talk or get connected to.. I can’t deal with them any longer and I am really doing my best to not “chase” people again. If that person sincerely wants to be a part of my life, one will exert an effort in staying anyway. I can no longer tolerate users and abusers these days.
Nothing wrong with moving on from pain eh? Last night decided to pick myself up back again. I felt so horrible the entire day actually and got too tired of being weak and from getting drown with it. So yeah. Hopefully will find moxie back.
One good thing I realized is this: I don’t need any one to really tell me on how important I am and how beautiful or worse I am. The person who can make me feel better is myself. No one can ever help me and lift me up but myself. No matter how much I cry and weep for things, it’s always up to me whether to get up or not and linger on the dark side or be better than who I used to be. There might be times someone will be there to help pick me up but what if no one will? So yeah. It all starts with me. (Wait, that’s not just one thing.. that’s heaps. hahaha)
I’ve done the best that I can and sometimes it’s tiring being strong and staying strong but worse, it’s way tiring being weak. So yep, I chose to be strong. 🙂
Hoping and keen as to what the future holds. Looking forward to better days. Hopefully. 🙂
This is life, it has never ending cycle.. live it or take it for granted, up to us really.
Hope y’all have a great week so far earthlings! ♥