For someone who doesn’t know me and encounter me somewhere, or anywhere, if I don’t speak or talk, people would really think I am a snob. Or I am someone bossy, someone intimidating. Others think I am someone so hard to reach out to and get along with. To some, I am really just plain, one of God’s ordinary piece. But to those who knew me, I am someone crazy.. though I am not sure how many will attest that but I am aware however of what I am capable of. Hahaha
At a glance I am what you think I am, you can assume all you want but that’s just the surface… scratch a little bit more and you’ll be in awe of how much I suck– really though. I am a girl who smiles, who laughs and who cries. I have my dull and crazy moments, sometimes I am on a high. I whine, I vent out, people will hear me complain just like everybody else. I am human, too just like you.
I have way too many drafts on here, some thoughts that I have wanted to blurt out yet I do not know how or when I will be able to express it. See, I am not better than anybody. I am perfectly imperfect, I have my flaws and shortcomings; I have my ways: good and not so good; I have my quirks– I have all the elements any human can have, well not in every details but some or most humans have.
Do not judge me and what my heart is made of just because of the things I do. I shared and expressed my rants, complaints, frustrations and whatnot because I am me– no one else but me.
These are petty complaints, some are major but that doesn’t mean I am not thankful of the life I have. I have made my choice many years ago and stood by it. It wasn’t the life I expected I’d end up with but I never regret where I am. This is the life that I chose for myself, and I take a stand on that choice. I stay grounded and I am always aware of that choice I made and I am making it happen every single day. I am like you, imperfect and I am also finding the balance every single day. I strive in becoming the better version of myself every single day, and just like you, there are days I find it easy to deal with things and there are also days that I cannot.
I exist not because I am here to compete with anyone but myself. I am never in a competition with anyone– ever. Black heart… I have such a black heart… that’s a few of the words that kept on repeating in my head now. In my head, I am in a civil war with myself and I also have a lot of questions. I feel like doing a silent monologue to myself every now and then.. that’s what you think.. I have a black heart, that’s what you believe and I won’t blame you. Are you blind? Or you’re just too numb? Or just too full of yourself?
I don’t know what your heart is made of and I am not gonna judge… I don’t hate you really and I do not wish you ill will nor bad karma for I know nature will always take it’s course no matter what. There’s always consequences for everything, no matter how big or small, no matter if it is good or bad.
I am not saying I am better than anyone else here, I am just like you, thriving to live and do what I needed to do. I am also finding the balance of things. Life isn’t always rainbows and unicorns, it isn’t always a bed of roses. Roses has thorns, unicorns have horns and they sure poop and have moments, too.
Having said that, it also doesn’t mean that I will always feel happy and feel great every single day. There are also days I am not too “comfortable” of life, so I strive to be better, find ways on how to really better myself so I try and step out on that comfort zone and venture not just for myself but for the family. Others haven’t experienced some of the things I did, we humans have different responsibilities, different mindset, different hearts and different experiences. My complaints, rants, frustrations and stress always have explanations. You know the reason behind some things I am saying here.
At a glance, you think you know me.. but you don’t.
I am just like you, I have my share of sorrows, pains and hopes for morrows. I thirst, I get full; I hurt and I bleed. I do most of the things others do, just like you. I may laugh at your jokes and put a smile on my face but you know nothing what I feel and think deep inside. Just as much as I do not know about you, too. But that doesn’t mean I never cared, that I am so naive.
Sometimes I am reckless, impatient, rudderless, and insensitive. At times I can be too much, too overwhelming, a handful, too out of reach.
Speaking of not so good days, which I do not know why I am saying all these anyway but maybe it’s just me.. I am not feeling too well this past days, I am literally in pain. One of the things I dislike and do not want to deal with is pain. No matter how much familiar I am with pain, no matter how much pain I’ve dealt with in the past; even if it’s all I have ever felt at some point; it’s still painful and it stings every effin’ time. I wish there’s a fast forward button to healing, you know? Like you only have to take one single medicine and viola! You’re free from pain and illness.. but nope, it doesn’t work like that. A good friend of mine told me today, write it out and you’ll feel better and I did.. and it is helping.
Damn allergies and system! I wish there’s a shortcut to healing for sure as there’s shortcut to love, but there’s none. This is worse than love! Oh! It’s my allergies now that is making things more awful-ler(there’s no such word as that but if there’s worse than awful, I bet it’s that word hahaha) It reminds me of the past for the most part, the allergies that is. Fighting so hard to not feel depressed and sad from all these memories, you know? These were the allergies that made me feel so helpless and useless back in the day, and now I am really fighting it. It’s painful and it’s itchy; annoying and call it names and call me wuss but it’s stings. Somehow I am not in pain where I am dying like literally but pain is the least I expected to deal with. I know God is up to something yet again. A test, probably. Gah! Why oh why? I don’t know… teach me to be more patient or humble? Be more grateful? I do not know.
I feel like a poet who lost her gift the past days, a poet or a playwright wanting to write a masterpiece but couldn’t coz words and thoughts are locked up all inside. No muse or inspiration could ever awaken these thoughts but love. Hahaha! Geeez. I have been reading too much fairy tales and watching too much movies about people falling in and out of love and finding it all over again and I think and I am hallucinating, yeah? hahaha
I am no Shakespeare nor Harper Lee, I am just me and this is me, nobody else but me. I do not have a lot of sonnets, stories, nor poetry but I have myself and my very piece– which is called the journey of life of mishaps and misfits of Mikee. Teehee
Anywho, I gotta culminate this hoping for better days, more butterflies.. well f*ck butterflies, I want the zoo! Haha Yeah, and rainbows and unicorns and bubblegums and lollipops and cotton candies and sweet chums in life.. not bad for a prince charming, too. I think prince charming is too much, I can deal with an ordinary man, maybe not as charming, I am not looking for a hottie anyway.. Someone good. Yes, that’s it, a good man and not literally a prince, prince?! That’s rare. Too fancy. I’ll go for the good man. Hahahaha
One day. One day, one step at a time. Oh God, when will that time comes!? Ah! I don’t know, it’s a mystery! Oh well…
At a glance you think you know everything, but you know nothing. I don’t have pretenses. What you see, is what you get. However, it can be a lil bit complex, too coz what you see and what you think, isn’t always what it seems.
– Miss Cane