This is a repost from my other blog which I thought I will keep but I might not or I might give up in the coming days.. it’s just something I need to copy before all data get lost.
I wonder how many times do we have to forgive others and ourselves to be able survive, hold on to life and continue to live peacefully and harmoniously??
I am in a very bloody battle with myself right now, or it’s actually going on for days.. weeks even. Before anything else, I am sharing this not to come off as judgmental, hypocrite or pretentious prick who doesn’t know how to love, and someone rude or mean even. I am writing/ sharing this from experiences, and by experiences, I mean personal experiences, from real experiences. I didn’t woke up on the wrong side of the bed, but I am going through a phase as I may call it, for the better lack of term. It’s not to be bitter or ungrateful but I am at a point in my life where I have too many questions going on in my head from every aspect in my life. I know I haven’t been vocal or expressive on what’s going on with my life for a while now but for those who knew about it, it’s kind of a big deal for me.
BUT WHY, GOD!?
Why do I have to experience all of this? What have I done in the past life to deserve all of these I am going through, rather this kind of life I have right now!? WHY!?
Why do I need to fail too many times and when is my time?! How many times is enough before I can even say it’s my time.. or it’s Your perfect timing?!
Why did my family disowned me!? Why can’t I have a normal family like others? Or maybe not normal but a family who accepts me and loves me for who I am and not what they want me to be?
Why can’t I have someone who loves me as much as I love that person?!
Why can’t I love without sacrificing?!
Why is it so hard to forgive myself?!
Why do I love and care for people so much!? Why do I do what I do!?
Why are those people I chose to share my life with always and I mean always get myself hurting? Am I not worth loving!?
Why am I still alive!? What do I deserve to have this life!?
Why am I crying!?