Just when you thought you finally met someone, or got to where you thought you should be — reality bites you hard that it gives you some kind of pain you wish you could take or inject some kind of pain killers that you’d never want to feel pain again. It’s kinda harsh example that one but I am not just talking about those experiences to exaggerate and make pity out of myself but that’s just what it felt when I experienced it.
This has been the same routine for me over and over for some time now. Where I have my hopes up, sometimes just enough hope to get me motivated only to find out it’s not meant for me or it’s only a season and it’s not meant to stay for long. Oh how I wish things will change really. A few months ago I took the leap only to know eventually that it wasn’t worth it and that I’d find myself ending up rejected — literally and metaphorically.
I have been flooding/reposting some old posts today which I thought were worth keeping and read them again and realized it’s been a while since I really got caught on writing/ expressing myself. I lost my moxie.. or maybe not. My moxie is still here, it’s just I haven’t been as motivated as I was and there’s just a lot of things I needed to take care of back then. Reality just sank in after a few days.. I thought I’d be okay and that I was ready until then, I realized it still effing hurts. Being rejected effing hurts! F*ck! I thought I am over this or I am already familiar with the feeling but every effing time, it still hurts.
I am done with the denial phase yet trying to accept things one day at a time, that it happened and that I was rejected, that my expectations never happened coz there’s something better in store for me.. as if. Thinking about why God let this happen or why it didn’t worked out. Then I realized God doesn’t withhold things to punish you but to protect you. It’s either the wrong time or the wrong thing. Although I still don’t know when is the right time and the right thing going to happen, it’s kinda tiring somehow but still, no matter how much I say I am tired and I am closing the doors, I still leave a lil space for that door so it’s still a lil open. I will still have that hope and the faith no matter how little it may be, I know in my heart things will change and better things will come my way.
It just sucked thinking about how much true I have been to my words and how kind or how good I try to be; how much I fought for it; how much effort I put into it, I still end up heartbroken, sad and in pain. I may sound confusing or I may sound in doubt and I may not make sense, but one day, all of these effort, fighting and kindness will be rewarded. No matter how much tedious this journey may be, I will keep on fighting even if at times I don’t know what I am really fighting for and who this is for… God is looking after me.
I guess I just have to go through different seasons to learn and to prepare myself from what is meant for me. I am looking forward to those lovely days where joy is ten times better than pain. 🙂
Good night peepulz 🙂