Decision is only wishful thinking until you take that first irreversible step.
But what about the next step? What’s the next move now!? I did the first irreversible step but didn’t succeed, so one big question that came to me are: which way will I go? How much more do I have to wait and what do I do? How many heartbreaks do I have to have and tomorrows do I have to wait to unfold to get to where I need to be? What’s the purpose of this all? Or the purpose of this certain situation? I was so close to getting there but I never got it. That was so damn close.
And I am so close to vomiting, I thought of unwinding since it’s not too busy kind of Saturday here today and had a glass of wine not long… I feel like getting myself drunk and cry myself to sleep or just pour my heart out/ vent all these unexpressed emotions bottled up inside.
I should feel happy but I feel more likely emotional and stressed maybe because of a lot of things that’s going on here with us at home I can’t even talk about it with anyone except for my cousin. I really wish things will get better and these challenges will be over soon. I feel like I got caught in a quicksand and too terrified to move, leaving myself stuck and it makes it so hard to get out of it. That’s how where my life is right now though I am not saying I don’t have a choice. In fact this is my choice, I stay in it coz I chose to be in it. I only assume or at least I think of these times as a phase or a time in my life I need to experience to teach me something. I just wish this ends soon.
I do hope that somehow things will unfold and I will eventually know why things happened and what I needed to learn.. I have expressed my thoughts on rejection and acceptance but it seems challenges will never stop chasing me. One challenge after the other, one day at a time. Ah! The joys of life and living life hey?