Dear future me,
How are you today? Hope things are well with you. I am not sure which path you chose by the time you are reading this, maybe you’re married and you have a kid just like what you hoped for or maybe you’re still single and waiting for that person meant for you; or a successful owner of the business you always wanted to have with your other half or maybe with family or whoever you are with; or maybe you’re an event planner specializing in weddings(coz I know you also dreamt of working with weddings) or whatever you are doing right now, I hope things are great and most of all you are happy.
I just want to thank you for making it this far, it’s been a long journey being where you are right now, I am sure it’s been tough hey? I hope you have been the best version of yourself every single day and whatever path you chose today and who you are today, you are happy and living life to the fullest still, like you always did.
The time I am writing you this, is a very emotional day for me. I do not know why but maybe I am too overwhelmed with what is happening right now, with the family, with the thoughts and things I might have in the future; whether I’d be able to meet the person meant for me and is the man I am talking to right now and shared those feelings with will still be there in my sojourn. You know, all these things and questions I get to ask every single day. I am actually a little scared and confused especially when it comes to matters of the heart. It always seemed that the person I chose to commit myself to ends up rejecting me or ends up cheating and leaving me for someone else or ends up giving me up coz he can’t take the distance. Others that I thought I have connection with ends up leaving without even saying goodbye. There are times that the person who likes to stay are the person I don’t feel like spending lifetime with, you know? It may be too early to know what the future’s in store for me but I hope you are happy right now really. I hope he finds you and gives you the love you deserve.
It’s been three years since that tough year I’ve been through, 2014 ended tough and 2015 started tough for the most part but it’s been great, too. I’ve had a lot of firsts, and it was really eventful. It started with a gig at weddings, had a job for sometime with a photographer and worked with him in a few wedding gigs, too. Met nice photographers, I got to work with the whole work flow of weddings and everything about weddings which I never experienced back in the day. That was awesome! I got sick a lot of times as well but it’s all worth it. I was even working with a blog and learned more about web developing. February came and it was tougher coz Nanay had pneumonia. Sleepless nights and man, I couldn’t imagine the whole family deal and got through all of that. March that was and moved to a new house, too! Yay! No more floods for us! We had to pay rent but it was worth it coz there’s no more flood to get through, no more walking in the water moments. Hahaha. I remember I joked about it.. Jesus walked “on” the water and I walked “in” the water.. well with my feet submerged in the water that is.
That happened too quickly, the day after Nanay was released from the hospital was the day we moved to the new house. I haven’t fully recovered from my sleepless nights back then and then we had to move and more sleepless nights for us. Dealing with all of those wasn’t that easy. I got too overwhelmed and felt I wasn’t ready that it made me depressed and it goes on for months. That was the longest I have been depressed and recovered from it. I never expected I’d write this much but I just had to let this flow, since moxie is here and I feel like writing.
Those times were kinda heartbreaking and I didn’t really know how I got over it, I dropped some weight, I didn’t feel like myself most of the time. But I wasn’t ungrateful, I am still blessed and I am still happy, friends were there to help even though there were some not so nice revelations at the time, too. Someone rejected me because he didn’t think he can deal with it, well he’s been tough times and he prolly didn’t want to deal with what I am dealing with at the time. I hate rejection so much, it’s one of my biggest fears but that didn’t stop me from doing what I do still. 🙂
I never blogged too much these days this year, I never really lost the moxie, I just drifted myself away from the things I used to do before, I was stuck with being depressed and not feeling the moment most days. April, May and June was better but still I wasn’t feeling all of it. It was still tough adjusting to what’s happening with us. Well Nanay seemed different after she got sick, and that, too was kinda hard to deal with. More patience, humility, understanding; those three are what I always ask God even these days whenever I pray. I feel like running short of it most times. I got sick a lot of times, maybe too much stress and depression was the cause of it. Cousin and I had our first ear pierced together, it wasn’t our first piercing, it was actually our first together, we had one ear pierced. Mine was on the right and hers was on the left. We had haircut, too. We got short bobcut and that was our first haircut this year after two years of having long hair. There came July, I gambled and took some risk that time. Thought it was for the best and processed a visa application to the US, full of hope and expectations I went to Manila first time alone. First time in Manila to travel alone like the whole time literally. I have been a few times but mostly it was with family but this time it was only me. It wasn’t a great trip for the most part. It was my first visa application that I got denied, too unfortunately. It felt like I was only dreaming but it was for real. Ugh. I went home fluttering, didn’t feel like talking about it and just heartbroken. I don’t know how many unfortunate events I will encounter and are going to happen, I am really hoping for great days. Though everything wasn’t really unfortunate, I know things happen for reasons, like not getting the visa coz God is protecting me from something not so nice. Those things, you know? I am still hopeful, despite and in spite of the things that happened. September.. it’s still going and almost ending. You’ve been through a lot, just like everyone else. You’ve been hurt, used, mislead, rejected and failed a lot of times but please when you think of all those unfortunate things that happened to you, think mostly of the times when you got up and got through all of it.
Oh, before I forget, this year was awesome coz I got to see some shows, like real life shows. People that mocked you and threw a lot of things in the past are choking on the shits they talked. It’s not that I am wishing ill-will but it is what it is. Some have talked to me and recollected with me, it’s really nice to know and it’s a lovely feeling to forgive and to know the twisted truth has been corrected by truth itself. Ah! God is great!
I hope to overcome these fears and anxiety I am having at the moment, these pressure from family and friends as to when I am going to find someone and have family. It’s never that easy. I feel like my clock is ticking so fast but I am not as desperate as others seem and what people see in the movies. I was disappointed things didn’t happen the way I want them and expected them to happen back then but things happen for reasons. I learned a lot from it and enjoyed the most of it. I know God is working on a lot of things, for me and the future. Many times it seemed like He wasn’t there and that He was being rude for not making things happen but actually He was only protecting me from pain. I never understood that some days. Easier said than done hey? Whatever He has in store, I know it’s for the best. I just gotta have and keep that same faith like I always did and I hope, you keep that until now. I don’t always give up that easily and I always fight for what I know is right and what I want and I hope you still do now. Things are kinda hard for us here at the moment but I know it has something to do to about the future. Always, like always appreciate the difficult people for they teach us a lot of things and I am sure you know that. Always keep these things that humbled you and that made you who you are today. I know at a point I was kinda questioning God and wished life was different and if it was I might be different person, too. Maybe spiteful, too difficult and not as understanding and loving as I am and I may have the family I used to know but life is different and miserable for sure. Don’t stop loving yourself girl, no one will ever be there for you but yourself and God. No one will ever love you more but yourself if others won’t. I hope you still keep those values and pass them on to your kids if ever you will have one or you are having one these days. Ah! I am looking forward to reading this in time.
Remember, don’t stop doing what you do, you be you, do you and always keep the faith. Always see the good in everything like you’ve always been. It’s okay to complain but don’t forget to be grateful and give thanks to Him. Cry if you should but don’t forget to wipe them yourself for no one will wipe them for you. If you found one then that’s good but make sure they are tears of joy, not tears of miseries and pain. Stay humble and patient, don’t stop writing and expressing yourself, hey? Keep the positivity and live with love.
Your twenty-nine year old self