Some cry with tears, others with thoughts. – Unknown
I have been saving that quote for a while since I direly need to pour my heart out through words. I cannot fathom as to why or what is making me feel this way. I know it’s not just about family but there’s something more. Something I know will happen; like I’ve been anticipating on it but just not sure what or how things will happen or I just don’t know. My heart is aching, it felt like I’ve been stabbed a few times and it’s bleeding; blood is running out that it’s so hard to breathe. The kind that you want to squeeze your heart and take it out so it’ll feel better; Or take it out and stab it million times so it’ll stop beating and just end it. I wanted to say something but I can’t because I have no strength to do so and I don’t even know as to whom I will address these thoughts to. Or maybe I know to whom but I don’t know how to say it. It felt like my tongue is tied and throat is cut and whenever I try to open my mouth the cut opens up and bleeds so bad. For all of these, I should be dead by now but I am not, things are slow, it feels like I am dying but a slow death or more.. it feels like a paralysis crawling from my feet up to the brain and pain is slowly taking over things. Pain that is familiar, something I have felt before yet strangely enough, there’s more to it; something stronger; something mean and something drastic and I couldn’t have it any other way. F*ck it!
I don’t know really. I wish I could just explain it and I could just cry my heart out and get rid of this feeling. It hurts so bad and what’s worse is I don’t know why. I wish I knew. I wish someone knew. I wish someone can just tell me it’s okay. I. Wish.
Don’t ever say I am over thinking, that I am just being paranoid and it’s nonsense. Or that I am only depressed and or I am being mental. No. I am neither. Or maybe I am over thinking but what the heck. It’s not thy demons and monstrosities taking over me at the moment. It’s something more than that. I am exhausted. I can’t even. How much more pain do I have to go through to be totally okay!? How many times do I have to feel this pain again and again until I am finally there!?