Crying with Thoughts.

Some cry with tears, others with thoughts. – Unknown

I have been saving that quote for a while since I direly need to pour my heart out through words. I cannot fathom as to why or what is making me feel this way. I know it’s not just about family but there’s something more. Something I know will happen; like I’ve been anticipating on it but just not sure what or how things will happen or I just don’t know. My heart is aching, it felt like I’ve been stabbed a few times and it’s bleeding; blood is running out that it’s so hard to breathe. The kind that you want to squeeze your heart and take it out so it’ll feel better; Or take it out and stab it million times so it’ll stop beating and just end it. I wanted to say something but I can’t because I have no strength to do so and I don’t even know as to whom I will address these thoughts to. Or maybe I know to whom but I don’t know how to say it. It felt like my tongue is tied and throat is cut and whenever I try to open my mouth the cut opens up and bleeds so bad. For all of these, I should be dead by now but I am not, things are slow, it feels like I am dying but a slow death or more.. it feels like a paralysis crawling from my feet up to the brain and pain is slowly taking over things. Pain that is familiar, something I have felt before yet strangely enough, there’s more to it; something stronger; something mean and something drastic and I couldn’t have it any other way. F*ck it!

I don’t know really. I wish I could just explain it and I could just cry my heart out and get rid of this feeling. It hurts so bad and what’s worse is I don’t know why. I wish I knew. I wish someone knew. I wish someone can just tell me it’s okay. I. Wish.

Don’t ever say I am over thinking, that I am just being paranoid and it’s nonsense. Or that I am only depressed and or I am being mental. No. I am neither. Or maybe I am over thinking but what the heck. It’s not thy demons and monstrosities taking over me at the moment. It’s something more than that. I am exhausted. I can’t even. How much more pain do I have to go through to be totally okay!? How many times do I have to feel this pain again and again until I am finally there!?

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sassymikee

We can't choose what stays and fades away. So cherish every moment, pray, love, live and laugh like it's the last. – Mikee Cane

3 thoughts on “Crying with Thoughts.”

  1. i’m so sorry for your pain…i wish i could make it all go away and give you joy, peace and fill you with love.
    obviously i don’t know what’s happening, but if only one word could help you, i wish i had that one word…
    know you have others praying for you and i’m praying you get through it all and healed in your heart, mind and soul…
    life can be so tough, believe me, i know only too well…
    please try to take a deep breath and don’t lose hope…hope is always waiting for you to grab hold of it.
    please try talking your way through this if it helps…we’re all here to throw you an anchor in one way or another, don’t forget that we all care for you.
    pain sucks, but it really does come to an end at some point…try to keep your strength to hang in there…and reach out to us out here if you need us…
    😉

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  2. I would never–or not likely–say anyone is ever too paranoid or speaking nonsense in such a case. At least, I know what it is like to be judged an “over-thinker.” And, it sucks to be on both sides, the one doing the heavy/rapid thinking and the one who has to listen to the thinker ramble.

    If I am understanding correctly, you are suffering from an incomplete vision of an uncertain future? Sort of like a bad dream of what’s to come with some real people involved. It feels so real, and you fear it is coming sooner or later? Is this correct?

    If so, I have had similar shards of visions (some regarding my own future). I also suffer what feels like deja vu, moments that seem to be replaying a past life shortly after they happen.

    I have been noticing some people who have strong visions of the future like the ancient oracles. And, the visions are usually unpleasant/grim.

    This pain is revisiting you often? Dare I ask…is this regarding your “Auntie”?

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    1. I had a disturbing vision after I made this comment. I thought 1) I had discussed this with you once before. And, 2) I thought my nephew would make my dad deathly ill…and then saw myself telling him my fear with tears in my eyes only for him to be okay. Creepy foresight.

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