Some cry with tears, others with thoughts. I cry with both. – SC
It’s Nanay’s fourth day in the hospital today and been literally begging and asking for help for the situation we are in at the moment but I am doing this not for myself but for Nanay. For those who knew me well, I am the kind of person who doesn’t like to beg — literally, emotionally and metaphorically. My mindset is, when I can still do it myself, I will do it as much as I can, I will only ask for help when I can’t do it any longer but beg– no. I can’t remember begging this much… it just pains me though. People giving me false hopes when I am in dire need of help really. I mean for those who knew where we are right now, we literally need help but it’s just too sad that others couldn’t see it that way. It’s a bummer and more, it is disappointing but I have to accept it because not everyone thinks and feels like me. It’s just sad and disappointing, to be asking for help and some say they will but in the long run, you are waiting for nothing. I just hope people learn not to make promises and say things they can’t keep especially to those who are in dire need of help. Expectations hurt, yes I know that. But I wouldn’t be expecting if one didn’t say one will help. I understand that there are circumstances and stuff but for you who have no intentions and do not want to help, why not tell and be forward? You can just say you can’t or you won’t be able to help, period. Stop giving false hopes. You are blessed you are in a different situation and not in the situation where others are in, especially difficult times and challenging situations. Oh well.. I am just not in a very great mood and I am literally down. My system’s down, I woke up dragging myself out of bed — like literally. I have a flu, my body is too sore and I can literally feel my nodes and throat are sore, I’ve got snotty snots, a lil cough every now and then. I don’t know how I’d be able to survive the coming days. And the moment I’ve been waiting to just burst is happening. So at the moment, I am both crying with tears and crying with thoughts.
I am overwhelmed.. too overwhelmed. As much as I wanted to turn to someone, I didn’t want to bother but actually I have no one to turn to. When someone say they are with me in thoughts and heart, it felt empty. Coz they never made me feel like I am.. it just breaks my heart, these poor choices of mine.. or maybe it’s not just me hey? I should start taking off this reserved sign for people who never really intend to stay or put an effort to be a part of me–my life, my being.
Maybe this situation is God’s way of reminding me to stay still. I have never turned my back on Him, I know this will make sense one day. I have never been so optimistic like these days but today, it’s just I need to unload these burdens by myself. As. Always. I guess it’s better this way, you know?
This may be a tough and slippery road at the moment but I know this won’t be for long.. hopefully.