I am keeping my heart in a box; all locked up, hidden away. – SC
I have been wanting to write down all my the thoughts I so wanted to express but every time I try to, I always end up writing two lines and worse– nothing. I felt so lost for words these days, too overwhelmed with the situation we are in, the family is in for the most part. From Nanay’s stroke, seeing her dealing with it, with my own eyes. Going through all of these taught me a lot of things, like a lot. I have had a lot of realizations, I mean I had more way back when but this situation in particular is just heartbreaking, and at the same time an eyeopener not just for me, but for the whole family. It also showed who stood on our side, particularly on my side. From family and friends, for those who have helped and said who will help but never did, and for those who left.
I really don’t know how to put these thoughts into words, I have too many of it and I do not know which one comes first and which one next and then the last. All I know is just I came to the decision of hiding away my heart once again for so many reasons. Not long ago I mentioned or I am not sure if I mentioned about the new relationship and ending up deleting the post because it turned out as failure. I am getting tired of taking risks, of believing there’s someone for me at this point in time. You get to meet someone and invested time and effort, you felt a connection, both of you. You felt it was “real” or thought it was somehow but ends up getting your heart broken, efforts not reciprocated; or the other person is not as enthusiastic as you are the time you gave have been wasted and everything ends up into oblivion.
My heart is too tired… It’s as tired as my feet walking like crazy the past weeks. It’s not that I don’t believe in love anymore, more likely I don’t believe if there’s someone meant for me out there and I am so done giving myself chances, hope and expectations that ends up into disappointment, heartaches and getting hurt from rejection and being left behind, and sometimes hanging on to something that never even existed. I have always been the person who takes risks, someone adamant, someone who always have faith, even if that faith is as little as the size of the mustard seed; is willing to fight and to stay in someone’s life yet I always end up being left behind, or giving it up because I don’t find anymore reasons to stay. I am not the one who gets away but often being cheated on and being left behind and often wonders why this keeps on happening to me, as if there’s something wrong with me. That’s why I came to conclusion that I will just keep my heart hidden away for now. It’s not that I just want someone to give me the validation and love that I need to function, it’s never just my goal or my reason why I live and why I exist but after all that’s happened and based on the experiences in the past, I have to do this. I am taking a break and going to put myself first before my heart… It’s not that I am gonna stop loving and showing people I care rather I am letting my heart get some rest and maybe stay in that box forever, I do not know. Time will tell, love only knows. I am done fighting and giving chances for now, I need to refrain myself from doing a lot of believing in lies, false hopes and promises; time to give myself some rest and focus on repairing and establish something for the long term. 🙂