Black and Blue

I wish there’s an easy way to explain pain in not so painful way. -MC

I am too lost for words still. I have too much emotions I’ve been keeping to myself these days/ weeks/ months. Too much pain, exhaustion, disappointments, sorrows, hopelessness, anxiety; emotionally, physically, mentally and psychologically.. not forgetting financially struggling among other things. I am still keeping my head bowed down, still trying to figure out what God is up to these days.

If there’s an easy way to explain, that’s what I will do. It’s been a while since I posted something on here about what’s going on with us lately. We are having a hard time since, even before we got home from the hospital. It’s been almost two months since Nanay got the stroke but time seems too slow for us… It still felt like it was yesterday, not from weeks ago or a month ago. Nanay’s improvement is too slow, too. It was great at the start, like a few days after she got home from the hospital, she was frail yet you know she’s still fighting and yearning to get well but the past weeks and these days, it’s different.

As the days passed it is also excruciating to watch her memory deteriorates. I do not have a single clue what is happening with Nanay; whether if  what we are going through is temporary; whether Nanay’s gonna be okay, or will she remain like this forever. We have been to the doctor yet it’s not clear as to what she’s really going through. She explained to us about her EEG, the stroke, some of the downsides of strokes but the memory and stuff, I have no idea really.

My cousin and I decided to stop giving Nanay her sleeping medication since I have a gut feeling there’s something to be in it that affects Nanay’s improvements. We had her take it from those days we had a hard time sleeping since she couldn’t sleep and she keeps on calling us and tell us random stories of the past and situations and experiences we never know. So far, since we stopped giving her, she had more improvements but there are also downsides, too. It even gets frustrating and if there’s worse term than that of excruciating, that’s it.

We also thought she’s going through dementia, which also makes sense these days but I don’t know how to deal with this anymore. Staying strong and pretending to be strong, and doing what I need to do; I am so exhausted. Someone said I need a vacation or I need a break; I said I don’t need one. I need money to pay the debts off and I need a miracle for Nanay to back to normal, or at least her memory to be back and not like this.

I am not sure how much more strength I have and how longer I can hang on and hold on to this hope. I still have hope and faith yet some days it seemed that it’s never enough to even carry on. I used to cry it all out and after which, I will feel better and gives me comfort for some time. But these days, crying never helps. If only it’s like in the movies when someone in the family gets sick, one just cries and sheds tears and as tears fall down on the patient’s skin, it heals them just like that. You know? I wish there’s an easy way to this but unfortunately there’s only one way. I wish somehow I am still in a dream, trapped and still asleep dealing all of this, that one day I will wake up and things are still normal. I wish.

I am thankful for there may not be a lot of people who understands nor care, I am still blessed to be able to have people around me I call family. I am still grateful that I am still alive and that I am still able to take care of Nanay despite and in spite of. It’s never so easy to deal with the situation we are in; most days it’s like going to the battlefield. The ones we see in movies or we read in history is better coz you’ll know who you’re fighting against, you can have a battle plan, you know what swords and armories to use and you can always anticipate on how to fight and how to deal with the counterpart. But this fight I am , it’s always unpredictable, you don’t know how to fight, you don’t even know what this fight is for. I just know that I am hoping nanay will be okay, that things will eventually be okay and get this over and done with. I hope God will understand me, too as to why I get to question Him at times, I am only human. This life isn’t a bed of roses, this life also has crosses. That someday, somehow this will make sense. I know God’s plan and ways are better than mine, so I will still fight no matter what.


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We can't choose what stays and fades away. So cherish every moment, pray, love, live and laugh like it's the last. – Mikee Cane

One thought on “Black and Blue”

  1. I imagine her memory may be affected due to strain on other aspects of her life. Stress can affect memory. When I get into a fit with family, my memory isn’t the sharpest. Perhaps she is under worse mental/emotional/physical strain in some way that is temporarily impacting memory. Otherwise, how old is she? Age is a factor, too.

    I thought the stroke was only a few weeks ago.

    You are smart to be wary of the sleep meds. But, she DOES need sleep. So, if there is too much pain or other problems depriving her of sleep, the meds might help. But, if she can sleep without them, that is better.

    Crying would help if you had a shoulder to cry on. And, it pains me to think you do not have that shoulder. I need a shoulder to cry myself. Otherwise, I just hold it in…hoping no more pain or sadness will tip the bucket.


    Stay strong, tigress.


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