Letters I Never Sent: To Someone I Never Want To Write About

To whom it may concern:

When I attempt to write or express something, I always end up writing nothing or just a fraction of what I really wanted to write but today, I have a letter regarding about my thoughts and what I wanted to say that I never told you because I wasn’t supposed to and I never expected I’d even write about.

I said I will never ever write about you, nor spend time on writing about you and say bad things or good things about you and never will but I guess I should or I will.

It’s funny and maybe even absurd to think about the time I got to know you and I spent with you. I felt like it was a joke, I was a joke and how I hate myself for falling to that trap of lies and make believe and “fantasies” I made during that time. I have been asking myself a lot of questions lately not just because of what I am going through but the things I have been through, people I met, people I believed and gave my trust into but turned out to be people who were just playing around on other people’s emotions. Looking back at it, sometimes I regret and wished I could’ve just played with you or used you for my expense but unfortunately I am not like that and I will never ever do that. Well actually it isn’t unfortunate of me, somehow though it just pains me that after all that I have done, I am heartbroken; I wished I could’ve just never trusted you at all. I asked God why do I have to go through this? I never played nor used people, I was honest to a fault and even gave my all and my best yet I always end up heartbroken, being lied to, cheated on, and being used to. 

I just want to be happy. I just want to love and be loved, I just want people around me happy, it is too much to ask?

Oh God, I don’t know what I have done to deserve this! Do I really deserve this? My life is so fVcked up these days, (sorry I speak French) but yeah, I wonder what I have done in my past life for these to happen but it is what it is.

I never hated you before but now I do, and I can forgive you, I am also trying to understand and put myself in your shoes but I can’t and I won’t even try. I hate you to the point where I just wished one day you will end up unhappy. I know, it’s not nice of me but at the same time I wish you all the best and I wish you happiness. I am weird like that… I wish you happiness coz we all deserve to be happy but also unhappiness coz of what you’ve done, you know? The world is round and even if I am still in a place where I am at, challenged and full of struggles at least I know I never played and used people. I never lied and I never took advantage of people, not even to their hardest of times and their weaknesses. I hope somehow it won’t really happen to you, I know, I shouldn’t wish you ill will, which I am really not gonna even if I want to but you have kids. I will just let time and let nature do it’s course… But honestly though, I gotta tell you this once and for all so I can also let it go and move on peacefully or maybe I did moved on until I found out your lies and the truth; you can unfriend, unfollow and even block me on social medias, but you will never ever block me in your heart and maybe in your mind. No matter how much you try, I will make sure, I will haunt you for the rest of your life.

I know, I sound conceited or too full of myself from that statement but one day or I hope somehow time will come that you will understand why I said that. From what you did and from what I did and I was to you. I will haunt you, or maybe not. Maybe I was really nothing to you or someone with no value. Or it’s maybe you are my wakeup call from God. I am thankful it didn’t pushed through what I had with you, I hope that person you chose will do the same and will never do what you did to me or whoever that person will or is. Or maybe I am just plainly foolish, foolish and stupid to believe and see the good in everything and everyone or it’s just a blessing in disguise that things happened the way they happened to save me from more pain of having you around. Or maybe not foolish, that’s just me. That you’re not worthy. That you are someone is worthy of, just not me. Thank you though for coming into my life no matter how much pain you caused, I know I learned from it and I learned to know and look deeper into myself and realize my worth, more over, to change myself not for you or for anyone but for myself and for the best. Thank you. I really wish you all the best.




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We can't choose what stays and fades away. So cherish every moment, pray, love, live and laugh like it's the last. – SM

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