As I was looking at my photo, projecting a smile… Oh God, I tell myself. I wish you all knew, I wish I can tell y’all what I am going through.. or the things I have been thinking all these times, the feelings I have been keeping to myself. The experiences, challenges, struggles, pains I have dealt with. But that won’t matter, never will. I know there are a lot of people going through a lot, worse than me. So I guess it’s better this way hey?
When you’re told about wishing you’ll be living the rest of your life miserable and unhappy and tell you there’ll be nothing left for you.. or they’ll take away everything from you; like literally. But all I can say is there’s nothing left to lose anyway, just take everything coz only thing that I have these days that one can take away is this life I am living. I don’t have my family, no more family is waiting for me. I have nothing really, not anything that I can even call mine.
I am not really afraid if I would die anytime soon, coz there’s nothing left of me anyway but at the same time, even though life gives me reasons not to want to live my life, I still want to live. I may not have anyone or anything to live for, or I guess I have but not even sure if I am even reciprocated or I guess I still have a reason to live, not anyone else but myself and prove them that I will do it and I can do it. Life is what I make it, no matter if I will be miserable or not, it’s my choice. It’s my life. It’s always up to me.
For now, I am drenched and listening to The Carpenters’ songs which makes the roller coaster of emotions worse and worth it.
Oh I wish I will get over this pain soon as the year is ending soon, too and hoping for a better year this 2016.