“It has been a while since I was here”, these are the lines I use to start the blog especially when I am about to pour and vent out my emotions. Yes, it’s true. It’s been a while and that is the line I know and I can easily open things up. I kept mum on most of the things I have dealt with, especially after what happened to us, to Nanay, to myself.. Moreover, I find it too cliché or too common to be updating and sharing you all with my heartaches, my detriments and my downsides.
Today is not like the ordinary days, or the usual day. Like most days, it’s one of the most down moments and my heart feels so sore. I don’t really know why.. or maybe I have ideas why just not to sure what to be exact.
I felt too excited and happy to start with, looking forward to something I could’ve made myself get busy with yet just like other days, this day is one of those many disappointing, frustrating and lonely days. I want to cry so bad yet I don’t know how to start it with. I want to scream. I want to go somewhere, take a walk like I used to do when my heart feels sore but I can’t. I want to venture out and be productive but I can’t. Not even walk some place which made me so bummed out. I feel like spiraling, I don’t know where to go, what to do and what I am feeling exactly. I want to vomit but I am too tired to do so, I want to break down but I couldn’t do it. It’s so hard to breathe, my lungs are too short of air kind of feeling that every time I try to inhale air, my heart felt like it’s been strangled, crushed too many times.
Oh God. What is happening with me? With my life?!
Where is this heading? I mean it’s been a while since I’ve been stuck and I want to get out of this hellhole I am in. I know I sound so negative or like I am really in a worse place but it does feel like that now. And before you judge me with my words, I am aware each of us have our different stories and experiences, I know there are people that are experiencing a lot worse than I am at the moment. I just want to have my life back. I just wanna be happy, I just wanna be loved, have someone in my life I can sure confide with. I want to do what I love to do but every time I do, something seems to block me and stops me from getting there. What have I done wrong? Where did I go wrong? What on earth have I done in the past life to have all these!? I made a choice, I know I did and I only wanted what was best, not just for me but for these people I chose to live my life with.. but it also seemed to me that it’s not working that way. I a feeling too low yet no one asked me how I am or what I am feeling. No one really knows I am feeling this way. I know, I sound so desperate… pathetic and someone that is in dire need of attention. I know, right? But who cares? No one does. Well as far as I know, no one does.
I don’t know for how long I needed to wait, God. I have followed these path You wanted me to cross and walk on, I did what You wanted me to do, I gave up a lot of things. Some say following Your path and living Your ways gives you sweetest things, I know it’s never that easy but for now, I know it’s not that easy. It is never easy. I am not feeling it. Not that I don’t acknowledge You, but it’s just too hard. I will still be patient, I will try and do my best to be that person You know I am however, pardon me and forgive me for not feeling “it” for now. I just couldn’t see and feel the “sense” of it all, perhaps I still have to wait. I am not desperate, it’s just that I am weary, I am anxious and I am too scared. I feel too alone, you know? I was so happy and grateful the past days that I have with me these kind and beautiful people yet some of them are leaving, drifting away; some are too afraid to stay, some even pushes me away. It’s heartbreaking not being able to receive the same as what I am giving yet I know, and it always boils down to me expecting too much and giving too much.. but there’s no giving and loving too much. I don’t believe in loving or giving by halves.. I always give by whole that’s why I easily get hurt. Blimey!
I don’t really know what’s gonna happen in the next days.. too blurry to look at the road at the moment. I hope one day, things will be okay for reals.