When Being Strong Is The Only Option..

When being strong is MY ONLY option actually. πŸ™‚

Feeling bummed the past days.. almost two weeks already. I had my last post blurting out how bushed I was and I’d say I feel the same way still.

Or maybe a lot better. I am not sure. I can’t fathom these feels actually.

Too tired of feeling weak and bummed out so decided to change the phase today.. or slowly changing that is.

Been thinking on a lot of things(which I normally does the whole time), stressed out a lot not just physically but emotionally and mentally. I wish I can spill every thing but my mind and my heart can’t even describe it(yes, there’s this words again). There were issues here and there, things that I so wish to tell someone that I’ve been wanting to tell for so long. Pent up emotions but I assure, no grudges and hard feelings πŸ™‚

There were days I feel like my existence doesn’t make sense, like most days or the past days.

Yeah, human as I am, I have my moments.

I feel like just getting by and just randomly existing because I have to.

You know, you just wake up in the morning not knowing the reason who you wake up for? Or who you fight for?

Who do I live for? I don’t know. Oh sheet! :/

Blah.

Now I really wonder.. Feeling so weak.

These questions always hit me and maybe, just maybe I have been so dependent to others about validating my worth, and why I exist.

Who do I really live my life for and fight for? That is the question and a whole lot more. hahaha

Also, there’s this times that I feel like chasing people again, for attention, love and time and maybe affection, okay, yes.. affection(trying to deny it but I guess that’s true which is I am denying again. blah).. which I don’t think I really am doing but still, I feel so. Even if I only want the person to know that he/she is appreciated, others end up shutting me down and just evaporates out of the blue(it’s a cycle.. this is life’s cycle so shut your thoughts, I know I’ve been here before)

I am having a hard time accepting or practicing sharing to others these days and cousin knows as to why.. it’s not because I am being selfish but because of the issue on giving to someone too much and giving things that one doesn’t really have.. but technically i don’t mean personally doing it, it’s others doing it. (Yeah, I know.. i shouldn’t care about it coz it’s their business).. :/

Oh well. I have known long ago my purpose but still, I am not that strong some days.

I let myself get drown with these feels for days to teach myself a whole lot again..

  • that I don’t need people to validate my worth to make me feel good and accepted.
  • i don’t need to chase people for love, affection, time and attention.. it’s not a good thing, besides, if it’s not freely given, it’s never worth it πŸ™‚
  • if someone new (whether a friend, family, whatever that person’s role may be) don’t expect too much from them, don’t expect that they’ll stay, too. people come and go, and that’s a fact but i will really try not to attach myself like i always do.
  • it’s none of my business how much or what people give to others but i will do my best to tell them what they’re doing is too much and also have to think what they need to give and whatnot.
  • i don’t think i can do this but i will try.. well i will surely do it but one step at a time. hahaha

Over with the bullets format there.. hahaha.

On a serious note, I was really down yesterday and too tired, and too sleepy.

Talked to my brother from another momma half awake and passed out hearing him talking but can’t remember what was it now. It was a bummer however I am so thankful to have him around. He’s the only one I can talk to about things and he’s one of the people who understands what I am going through.. well maybe not every thing as I don’t tell him as much but he knows when I am down and when I lie about how I am. So when I talk to him, tendency is I don’t lie anymore and just tell him I am not okay. Thank God for this man!

Thankful for other people who one way or the other made me and still I am a part of their lives. Those people who don’t need to tell me constantly that they’ll always be there coz they’re already there.

I have removed and shut down people whom I really don’t talk or get connected to.. I can’t deal with them any longer and I am really doing my best to not “chase” people again. If that person sincerely wants to be a part of my life, one will exert an effort in staying anyway. I can no longer tolerate users and abusers these days.

Nothing wrong with moving on from pain eh? Last night decided to pick myself up back again. I felt so horrible the entire day actually and got too tired of being weak and from getting drown with it. So yeah. Hopefully will find moxie back.

One good thing I realized is this: I don’t need any one to really tell me on how important I am and how beautiful or worse I am. The person who can make me feel better is myself. No one can ever help me and lift me up but myself. No matter how much I cry and weep for things, it’s always up to me whether to get up or not and linger on the dark side or be better than who I used to be. There might be times someone will be there to help pick me up but what if no one will? So yeah. It all starts with me. (Wait, that’s not just one thing.. that’s heaps. hahaha)

I’ve done the best that I can and sometimes it’s tiring being strong and staying strong but worse, it’s way tiring being weak. So yep, I chose to be strong. πŸ™‚

Hoping and keen as to what the future holds. Looking forward to better days. Hopefully. πŸ™‚

This is life, it has never ending cycle.. live it or take it for granted, up to us really.

Hope y’all have a great week so far earthlings! β™₯

 

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Goodbyes Are Hard.

Goodbyes Are Hard.

I hate goodbyes. Big time. I hate leaving someone especially when you won’t be able to see them for long or maybe never see them again. Ever. There’s this permanent goodbye that’s for good that you will really have to walk out a particular door and never come back again, and even lock it and shut it down so hard and make sure you’ll never really go back. LOL.

Thank you God for I have these mobs that makes it hard for me to say goodbye. πŸ˜€

Goodbye January!

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In the end all you can hope for is the love you felt to equal the pain you’ve gone through.

Where will I start? It seems I have so much to catch up on here.. Time flew fast that it was just like yesterday we celebrated New Year. 31days passed..

Gone through a storm, I can’t imagine how we’d survive those days, the agonies of walking here and there with water everywhere. Surpassed two floods this month, which both lasted for a week. Wow. Howzat?!

It was a whole lot of journey. It felt like yesterday I was crying my heart out, watching the family walk in the water.. all those frustrations and hopelessness along with all the mixed feelings from the challenges we’ve been through.

People might have seen me flashing smiles from time to time but deep inside I felt ripped, torn and shattered. And those days I have become silent, all those mending stuff was not about someone or something but mainly a battle of me, myself and I.

All along I thought I was completely over with something, that I finally moved. I was making a complete fool out of myself. Then BAM! Nanay poked me right into the head with her words. Like the usual. LOL.

So there, I had to process myself and accept reality.. I need to let go, I need to move forward. For real, with actions, not just words.

I didn’t know where to start.. went through tough days, it was like I was being teased by time, by some force. Pushing my limits and tested me until when I will blow up. I had days where I just go to my room and scream silently and just shed tears for myself. Dang!

Took things one day at a time, one step at a time.. why do I need to learn things the hard way?! Why!?

Letting go is not just about wanting to forget what you need to forget, but also accepting reality. The reality that things have changed. That this is reality. Where I am and who I am with is reality. That I had to deal with reality.

The path is clearer these days, I’ve gotten rid of the people that gave me negative energies.. those people that dragged me down instead of lifting me up. Changed some routines of how I do things, and at some point, it was helpful. When I got used to it, I switched back to the old ways and finally realised that it doesn’t hurt anymore. That pain I used to feel is not there anymore.. I am getting there, two steps forward, one step back.

This process isn’t just about the past but of how I am, how I have become over those years, of how much I have changed and turned to someone I was not; how I perceive things and my attitude towards things. This battle isn’t just about the past relationship. Don’t get me wrong, yes, I am imperfect and I am flawed but that doesn’t mean that’s that. I need to change myself, too. I can’t stay that way forever.. I need to change not for anyone but for myself.

I have lost my moxie for quiet a while.. I have been feeling uninspired the whole time. There were times that I was but it was something like it’s only in the surface.. I wanna be inspired, soul depth. Not just feel it for some time.. I wanna be for a lifetime. Genuinely inspired. πŸ™‚

I have had emails and messages from friends that I haven’t given any response.. yet. Pardon me for doing such, I didn’t mean to do that.. it’s just that I can’t find the energy to read all of it. Not that I am ignoring you and being rude but it’s just that. It’s just so hard to explain.

Oddly enough, God sent some people aside from family to help me process, too.. but hoping that it’s not just for this time.. I hope they’ll stay for long.

I stopped chasing love, too. I felt too tired and fed up believing that there’s one for me on the contrary I miss the feeling of loving and being loved in return. Feeling discombobulated! LOL.

That moment I ask myself.. will I be able to trust a man fully after what’s happened? Will I ever have the time to tell the world I am in love with someone and he feels the same way, too!? I wish. I want to but it still scares me to bits. Big time. Too afraid to be abandoned and rejected.. but maybe, just maybe when the right person comes, I won’t feel that. Maybe. That’s just a hunch. Assumptions yet again. LOL.

Also, I hope to find someone whom I really can connect with.. not just physically but mentally and emotionally. Not just someone who’s attracted to me only on the surface and then the next day he’s stopped communicating because he don’t feel the same way. I don’t want to be an option, just like how it was before. I wanna be someone’s choice. Only choice. πŸ™‚

Ah! That time of the day. Feeling good at the same time, feeling down. System’s not just in sync.. screw’s too loose! πŸ˜›

There you go, this might be enough for now.. I am feeling better anyway. There’s so much to share but I can’t think of anything more. It’s 30minutes past midnight.. and supposedly in bed getting some rest. Oh well. Time for beddybyes!

Good night y’all πŸ™‚

 

All Of Me

I am so in love with this song and somehow it breaks my heart.. in a good way. That kind of pain and joy, soul depth. Unexplainable, unfathomable..
It’s like the thoughts I have inside my head written and put into a song.
Thank you, John Legend! Thanks to your wife, too!

Praying to God for that person who will feel the same way with me in His perfect timing, in His perfect will. πŸ™‚

There have been so many things crossing my mind the past weeks.. I am still mending, sort of.. Still on with the changes I need to do and how to do it and be better than I was, not for people but for myself. Feeling better about myself lately and feeling these weird feelings I never felt before and some were never felt in a long time. It’s bliss! πŸ™‚

Thankful to God for these blessings and so blessed for being a blessing to others, too. πŸ™‚

Ah! Life, love and it’s beauty! πŸ™‚

Until then, seeyuz!

Dream A Little Dream.

β€œTwenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”
― H. Jackson Brown Jr.

Long have I been wanting to blog about this yet I can’t grasp the words.. I don’t even know how to start.

I have been asked twice by two different people this question: What are your dreams?

It’s not that long though but the same thing, the same situation, I was speechless for quite some time.. I couldn’t find the right answers yet.. or more prolly because it was long been forgotten or long been left behind.

Or could be, because I am afraid to be hurt again, I don’t want to have one anymore.. or simply just because I have been hurt and expected too much and at the moment, I only needed my heart to recuperate and catch up on some rest.

I was in a situation where I “thought” one of my dreams is coming true.. But I was wrong. Or it wasn’t just the time yet.

That moment when you have put everything you have, including your time, your effort and your own soul and self just to make it work but it ends up to nothing..

Looking back when I was in college, I had a friend whom we get to have dreams together, we made an invisible bucket list of dreams that we could both work on when we finish our course.

I still can remember some of it.. or say those ones that I was sure of.. It was wanting to learn how to dive so one day we will both do scuba diving.

To experience wall climbing, and we did, although I didn’t made it to the top as I was enjoying hanging with the harness on. hahaha.

We’d finish college and work abroad or even if we can’t work abroad, we will just spend some time some where overseas and enjoy life at some point.

That we’d remain friends until we get old…

Ah! Those good ol’ days hey?

I never finished college but I have been to one country overseas so I guess there’s still fulfillment..

I haven’t get to learn diving yet but who knows, one day I can do that. πŸ˜€

There are heaps of dreams that I have but will keep them to myself.. there’s still that lil spark of hope in some corners of my heart that some time soon, I get to have my dreams come to life.

And there’s this one lil dream I believe will come true, in time.. πŸ™‚

Who knows, right? I may not be where I thought I’d be but for sure this is where God wants me to be.

Grateful that I am still here alive, kicking and breathing and still has the capacity to love and be loved in return. πŸ™‚

I Miss You, Smarties :)

If your only joy comes from destroying everyone else’s happiness, it’s so sad. Because despite what you think, it won’t make you happy. It will only leave a giant hole in your heart.

-Mikee Cane

Good morning WordPress!
I found this one on my Facebook account posted last year.

I have been busy deleting one post at a time from the past that has no significance at the moment. It takes time, too much time that going through them takes forever. Hahaha

Reading each of the post remind me of those “lovely times” as I call it, only reflects that I am not completely happy where I was and who I was with.

Somehow it is God’s way of answering my questions.. As to why things has to end. πŸ™‚

On the contrary, Today is really not a “lovely” day, I have had challenges earlier this morning but its all cool. I had my head bowed down and keeping it bowed down.

Learning my lessons the hard way again, but I am content of what I have now. I know there are things that I wish and pray that hopefully will become reality but dreaming will suffice at the moment. I may not tell the whole world about some days and some stories of my life, but I am always thankful God let me experience all of this but will keep it to myself at the moment.

Whatever will be, will be Lord.
Thank you for the miracle today, for me still alive and being able to do the things I need to do and experience te greatness of Your love. πŸ™‚

Lovely day WordPress!
God bless y’all. πŸ™‚