Maybe.

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I was in a pensive mood last night, I slept late yet again and in between these mood and time, I felt like being suspended in space, I don’t know what space I was in but I ended up with these thoughts. There are a thousand more along which I still have with me but these are the most spot on at the moment.

This thoughts are what I call the 3amthoughts.. go figure. hahaha

I hope y’all are having a great week so far. 🙂

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Crying with Thoughts.

Some cry with tears, others with thoughts. – Unknown

I have been saving that quote for a while since I direly need to pour my heart out through words. I cannot fathom as to why or what is making me feel this way. I know it’s not just about family but there’s something more. Something I know will happen; like I’ve been anticipating on it but just not sure what or how things will happen or I just don’t know. My heart is aching, it felt like I’ve been stabbed a few times and it’s bleeding; blood is running out that it’s so hard to breathe. The kind that you want to squeeze your heart and take it out so it’ll feel better; Or take it out and stab it million times so it’ll stop beating and just end it. I wanted to say something but I can’t because I have no strength to do so and I don’t even know as to whom I will address these thoughts to. Or maybe I know to whom but I don’t know how to say it. It felt like my tongue is tied and throat is cut and whenever I try to open my mouth the cut opens up and bleeds so bad. For all of these, I should be dead by now but I am not, things are slow, it feels like I am dying but a slow death or more.. it feels like a paralysis crawling from my feet up to the brain and pain is slowly taking over things. Pain that is familiar, something I have felt before yet strangely enough, there’s more to it; something stronger; something mean and something drastic and I couldn’t have it any other way. F*ck it!

I don’t know really. I wish I could just explain it and I could just cry my heart out and get rid of this feeling. It hurts so bad and what’s worse is I don’t know why. I wish I knew. I wish someone knew. I wish someone can just tell me it’s okay. I. Wish.

Don’t ever say I am over thinking, that I am just being paranoid and it’s nonsense. Or that I am only depressed and or I am being mental. No. I am neither. Or maybe I am over thinking but what the heck. It’s not thy demons and monstrosities taking over me at the moment. It’s something more than that. I am exhausted. I can’t even. How much more pain do I have to go through to be totally okay!? How many times do I have to feel this pain again and again until I am finally there!?

Introspections.

I thought of checking my drafts of my old blog which is why I am here and why I came up to this. I have always thought of writing myself a letter, I saw some clips and videos of a professor who made his students wrote a letter for themselves when they get old and let them read after many years… that’d be interesting to give myself that, you know?

If you could write a letter to your past self, what would it be?

Are you going to be grateful enough for what you are at the moment?

Or you’re gonna be spiteful for missing a whole lot of things?

Will you be able to thank the people who walked with you? Or you’ll be full of regrets looking back?

How many smiles you ever gave to others way back when?

How many lives have you touched?

How many difference did you make?

How many people were happy because of your existence? Or did you ever thought of that? Nor ever made one person happy?

Did it ever came to you how many times you think you lived a life worthwhile? Or you just live it getting by?

How many times have you wasted?

How many chances and risks did you ever take?

We’re you brave enough or you got scaredy cat?

Regardless, I hope you still find to thank yourself for what you’ve been through. And I hope things have been better in today compared to what you had in the past. 🙂

Musings: Rejection and Acceptance

Just when you thought you finally met someone, or got to where you thought you should be — reality bites you hard that it gives you some kind of pain you wish you could take or inject some kind of pain killers that you’d never want to feel pain again. It’s kinda harsh example that one but I am not just talking about those experiences to exaggerate and make pity out of myself but that’s just what it felt when I experienced it.

This has been the same routine for me over and over for some time now. Where I have my hopes up, sometimes just enough hope to get me motivated only to find out it’s not meant for me or it’s only a season and it’s not meant to stay for long. Oh how I wish things will change really. A few months ago I took the leap only to know eventually that it wasn’t worth it and that I’d find myself ending up rejected — literally and metaphorically.

I have been flooding/reposting some old posts today which I thought were worth keeping and read them again and realized it’s been a while since I really got caught on writing/ expressing myself. I lost my moxie.. or maybe not. My moxie is still here, it’s just I haven’t been as motivated as I was and there’s just a lot of things I needed to take care of back then. Reality just sank in after a few days.. I thought I’d be okay and that I was ready until then, I realized it still effing hurts. Being rejected effing hurts! F*ck! I thought I am over this or I am already familiar with the feeling but every effing time, it still hurts.

I am done with the denial phase yet trying to accept things one day at a time, that it happened and that I was rejected, that my expectations never happened coz there’s something better in store for me.. as if. Thinking about why God let this happen or why it didn’t worked out. Then I realized God doesn’t withhold things to punish you but to protect you. It’s either the wrong time or the wrong thing. Although I still don’t know when is the right time and the right thing going to happen, it’s kinda tiring somehow but still, no matter how much I say I am tired and I am closing the doors, I still leave a lil space for that door so it’s still a lil open. I will still have that hope and the faith no matter how little it may be, I know in my heart things will change and better things will come my way.

It just sucked thinking about how much true I have been to my words and how kind or how good I try to be; how much I fought for it; how much effort I put into it, I still end up heartbroken, sad and in pain. I may sound confusing or I may sound in doubt and I may not make sense, but one day, all of these effort, fighting and kindness will be rewarded. No matter how much tedious this journey may be, I will keep on fighting even if at times I don’t know what I am really fighting for and who this is for… God is looking after me.

I guess I just have to go through different seasons to learn and to prepare myself from what is meant for me. I am looking forward to those lovely days where joy is ten times better than pain. 🙂

Good night peepulz 🙂

Poetry: Baby, I Love You

Baby, I Love You
Mikee Cane

There’s a lot of things I wanna say,
But I don’t know how to say it.
These are the words that I have been dying to say to you.
The longer I am keeping it,
the more it hurts and I don’t know what to do.

The kind of words that burns my heart like a fire that ain’t going down,
These words that I never tell to anyone, words I can only utter when no one is around.
I never got this close coz I am too afraid, I felt so alone.
What’s a girl to do? I need to let you know, but how? But here I go.

I wish I could’ve told you sooner, but I wasn’t sure how things are gonna go.
Somehow, I am aware you won’t fight for it coz I am far away,
So out of reach, yet you can hear me, see me but won’t be able to hold me or feel me.
So close yet so far, that’s how it is and I can’t do anything about it… yet.

But it is what it is and I am saying it out loud
I wanna say I love you, but I am terrified.
I don’t expect answers coz I am not asking you.
I love you, and yes it is true.
I love you, and I will always be here for you.
I wanna hold you, like never letting go.

That I dream of you and you don’t even know.
I wish that you’re feeling the same,
that you’re dreaming of me;
that you’re going crazy and you’re heart is burning, too.
Never mind, just leave things be.
It doesn’t really even matter if you, too love me.
One last time and here I go,
Baby, I love you.

Poetry: I Crave For You

Miss Cane

I Crave For You
Miss Cane

For someone I haven’t met yet,
I crave for you in the most innocent form.
Sounds so cliche, just like the norm.
I crave to say good night and give you forehead kisses.
To love and be love, that kind of love everyone wishes.

I crave for that moment I will finally hold you,
Walk hand in hand, without motives, no demands.
My hands on your face, just feel that warm embrace.
I crave for the feeling of excitement,
you know, those feelings of butterfly in the tummy
fluttering intermittently with enchantment.

I crave for you in so many ways.
To look into your eyes and deep into your soul,
and know you feel the same,
that strong loving feeling you kept for so long.
I crave to hear that sweet sound of your voice,
to hear the ache, the longing, all those yearning when you’re missing.

I don’t know when that time will be,
I don’t know the future and it’s uncertainty.
But I know, I do crave for you and I will be here,
I will wait for you oh so patiently.
Until then, until the time I will meet you.
For someone whom I haven’t met yet, please oh please make it to me.