– Rachel Wolchin
To start with, I have Rachel Wolchin’s quote in connection with my feelings the past days. I am in the sorry-not-sorry state of mind. I knew somehow things has to end and it’s hard to explain all these things at once but this brings me back to my post: Have Enough Courage talking about gut feelings and instinct.
It’s when my mind, heart and my whole system shuts down and even though how hard I try to work it out, when my gut tells me something, I just can’t ignore it and it happens. It’s not baffling or something I do to hamper things from happening. It just happens. Gut feeling never failed me, not even one time rather I fail myself for not believing on it. Sometimes I try to push things and make it happen but eventually it all boils down a point where it ends.
It’s not just because I don’t want stress but it’s something more deeper than that.. something that I cannot express on here. God knows what.
It’s worth the try anyway, I never regret the decision I made, although a few times the past days, I did missed the things I used to do, but there’s nothing more than that.
It’s not that I am not attracted or I do not have feelings towards the person either but I have to rethink of my feelings. It’s not just the lack of the connection, there’s something more deeper than that.. and I know somehow there’s something deep inside me I need to fix. Something in depth that my own heart can’t explain either. I am not sure what but eventually I will get there.
I woke up in the midst of my sweet slumber last Thursday early morn from a nightmare.. well not really that bad dream but it was too random that I didn’t expected would ever show up and I’d dream of.
This lead me to some memories back in the days.. which stirred up a lot of emotions that’s supposedly long gone and or forgotten. Ah! Why do we have to have these times? If only I have the power to make realities into dreams and or just let them vanish and be forgotten forever. But that’s not how things goes, I know. 😀
These are not the hang ups that’s just from the past relationship but generally from the past experiences. From family, friends, and men. LOL
All those pent up emotions, fears, what-nots, and keeping a great-wall-of-china on this heart. There are way more than one from what I have expected.. I need to let it all go. Like now now. I don’t know really.. I am kinda tired of this cycle though but I know I have to deal with it. Get through it eventually.
These were the things that made me cray cray the past days while looking after Nanay, too.
Ah! That roller coaster ride again 🙂