Crying with Thoughts.

Some cry with tears, others with thoughts. – Unknown

I have been saving that quote for a while since I direly need to pour my heart out through words. I cannot fathom as to why or what is making me feel this way. I know it’s not just about family but there’s something more. Something I know will happen; like I’ve been anticipating on it but just not sure what or how things will happen or I just don’t know. My heart is aching, it felt like I’ve been stabbed a few times and it’s bleeding; blood is running out that it’s so hard to breathe. The kind that you want to squeeze your heart and take it out so it’ll feel better; Or take it out and stab it million times so it’ll stop beating and just end it. I wanted to say something but I can’t because I have no strength to do so and I don’t even know as to whom I will address these thoughts to. Or maybe I know to whom but I don’t know how to say it. It felt like my tongue is tied and throat is cut and whenever I try to open my mouth the cut opens up and bleeds so bad. For all of these, I should be dead by now but I am not, things are slow, it feels like I am dying but a slow death or more.. it feels like a paralysis crawling from my feet up to the brain and pain is slowly taking over things. Pain that is familiar, something I have felt before yet strangely enough, there’s more to it; something stronger; something mean and something drastic and I couldn’t have it any other way. F*ck it!

I don’t know really. I wish I could just explain it and I could just cry my heart out and get rid of this feeling. It hurts so bad and what’s worse is I don’t know why. I wish I knew. I wish someone knew. I wish someone can just tell me it’s okay. I. Wish.

Don’t ever say I am over thinking, that I am just being paranoid and it’s nonsense. Or that I am only depressed and or I am being mental. No. I am neither. Or maybe I am over thinking but what the heck. It’s not thy demons and monstrosities taking over me at the moment. It’s something more than that. I am exhausted. I can’t even. How much more pain do I have to go through to be totally okay!? How many times do I have to feel this pain again and again until I am finally there!?

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Introspections.

I thought of checking my drafts of my old blog which is why I am here and why I came up to this. I have always thought of writing myself a letter, I saw some clips and videos of a professor who made his students wrote a letter for themselves when they get old and let them read after many years… that’d be interesting to give myself that, you know?

If you could write a letter to your past self, what would it be?

Are you going to be grateful enough for what you are at the moment?

Or you’re gonna be spiteful for missing a whole lot of things?

Will you be able to thank the people who walked with you? Or you’ll be full of regrets looking back?

How many smiles you ever gave to others way back when?

How many lives have you touched?

How many difference did you make?

How many people were happy because of your existence? Or did you ever thought of that? Nor ever made one person happy?

Did it ever came to you how many times you think you lived a life worthwhile? Or you just live it getting by?

How many times have you wasted?

How many chances and risks did you ever take?

We’re you brave enough or you got scaredy cat?

Regardless, I hope you still find to thank yourself for what you’ve been through. And I hope things have been better in today compared to what you had in the past. 🙂

Mikee’s Musings and More :)

I have been on hiatus for posting a fraction of my thoughts lately not because I don’t have anything to say but I just didn’t have the time and I do not know how to even express it to start with.
I used to talk to someone for few weeks and didn’t end so nicely and pondered on what went wrong and how to improve to not let it happen in the future.

It’s somehow a bummer though to shut things down on a whim but I had to. It is not always easy walking away.

Walking away. Yes.
Just because of the term itself, it looked and sounded like it is so easy for others but it is not. Now I know and I understand how it feels.. And walking away doesn’t always mean fear alone but some times it means you’re done dealing with things and instead of complicating it you choose to end it. Why prolong the agony, right? But nah. It isn’t always like that. We tend to simplify things for our sake but in reality, walking away is never ever easy.

It also depends on the situation for the most part, relationship wise.

It reminds me of the saying what you see is not always what it seems.
Just because someone chose or opted to walk away doesn’t mean the person is not going through things as well. Each one of us, every individual has his/her own battles and not everyone sees it like that. Most of us think that the world revolves only around ourselves, that we are the only ones who’s going through a lot and we forget that others have their own struggles and battles, too.

I admit, I forget this sometimes and I give judgment to people but human as I am, I made mistakes, too. But I am thankful enough to have and be surrounded by people who reminds me that the world isn’t just about me.

However it saddens me that there are also others that really care less and sometimes, they don’t.

Others give you advices and say words and think that they are always right and say no offense meant or I don’t mean to be rude but they already are rude. Hahaha

Ironic, isn’t it? Sometimes people act and say things like they know everything. Oh sure, you do! But if we really look closer, do you really know what’s going on? Sometimes what we perceive isn’t always what it seems. We often act like we know who these people are but we don’t. Just coz we see people smiling doesn’t mean they’re happy or they’re okay.

This isn’t a relationship advise, however. I just want to blurt out on the things that have been running here and there in the puny corner of me mind.

This is just reality. And this isn’t just something that happened to me but surely it happened to anybody. May not be the same experiences but sure did happened. 🙂

And even with these mean people is going through something, too. I just hope and pray that they’ll somehow realize that it’s not about them and that walking away is never easy. I am not saying however that it is right, nonetheless. We all have different experiences and battles and hope that whatever it may be, if it can be resolved then we should before walking away happens.

But the reasons I had for walking isn’t just for myself but for the people that was involved. I never regret the choices I made however. I chose peace. I chose freedom. Freedom from the pain and freedom from the negativity of the people and the situation. It hurts leaving the people behind and shutting everything down but staying and holding on isn’t working.. So what’s the point? It wasn’t easy dealing every single day missing the people you used to be with. Not seeing them and talk to them like you used to. Hear them laugh and cry with them and cheer them up when they need it. Those lil things. It wasn’t easy getting used to the pain of not having them.. It’s worse than losing someone through death. You know they won’t be there physically although it won’t apply to everybody. But to walk away with people who still exist physically and pretend that they don’t is not. So yeah. Where I am isn’t where I wanted to be but it is way better than where I used to be. Those experiences I went through was all worth it. It taught me a lot, and helped me understand myself and know what others have to go through. I am humbled and like I always say, I am not who I was. I have accepted the fact that we can’t always stay in other people’s lives.. We don’t always have to be with them but that doesn’t mean we can stop loving them and care for them. We still can but from a distance 🙂

There are still a lot of unspoken pains, regrets, love and a whole lot of emotions yet time will tell and time will let it speak for itself.

For now, I will continue what I have started and still strive for the bestest. Haha. All of these words can’t sum it all up but that’ll do for now.

On the lighter side, I am thankful for today! Yay! I have so many firsts. Hahaha

First time for a long time I feel like a real adult haha

Doing stuff for myself and pushing myself to do better and to do the things I so wanted to do for a long time.

Went to town with Nanay and cousin today and went to the bank to do transactions for my personal account and had a first and funny encounter with the bank’s Electronic Assitance for queues. I was looking for a slot where to insert the card when there’s none. Bloody hell! Hahahahahahaha

I was the 50th person to be called so I decided to go to the other branch and use the other machine for a certain transaction. I really don’t do well with machines! That was fun alright! Hahaha

First to work on a personal account and work on a project(hopefully will sort this out soon..i still can’t wrap my head around it yet but i will get there. I will make sure of that! Aja!)

What a lovely day! Thank you God for the blessings! I am enjoying this to bits. And with the matters of the heart, I am still working on it. No rush. Haha

Looking forward for the coming days.. I am not sure what’s next but this I say, BRING IT ON Daddy GOD!

Sunsets: September 24, 2014

Peace is seeing a sunset and knowing who to thank.

So I was outside yesterday with cousin and stopped by to capture yet another beautiful sunset once again. Just a reminder that another day has passed and new days are coming.

Thank You God for this lovely sunset!

Have been sick the past few days with influenza drizzled with cough and snotty snots on top. Haha.

All four of us had the flu and getting better one day at a time.. just a lil frustrating.. well not really lil but A WHOLE LOT. I hate being sick as well coz I get too emotional – and that means depression, frustration, desperation and hopelessness come to you all at once and getting soaked in tears for a lot of reasons. WOW.

Oh well. Bother!

I am getting pass that phase right now and hopefully will get over it completely. I have took things easy and I missed out a week with exercising already. Gah! I will soon get back. I miss sweating and working it out. 🙂

Anywho, I must say adieu for now. I hope y’all have a great week!

Thank God for this life! ♥

Smile, Just Because.

It’s been quiet a while since I posted something from my own thoughts lately. Given the fact that I am not often online on my laptop like I used to since it got broken and I am not sure when I will have it fixed. Hahaha

I still have my daily updates of quotes scheduled whenever I have the time to use my cousin’s PC. That’s still something to be thankful for 🙂

Any who, it’s been crazy lately. Feeling flapdoodle and higgledy piggledy for days. I am not sure on what to feel… Well maybe not what to feel rather how to deal with the feels and the things around me. It’s like days of unending challenges and kinda but-wait-there’s-more-challenges-and-struggles-to-come-kinda-days I am dealing with. This week we celebrated Nanay’s birthday and ’twas oh-so-merry-kinda-day but hey, don’t get me wrong, I am grateful seeing nanay so happy and every one around us happy for her as well.

It’s just that you can’t skip those not so good days and here I am feeling overwhelmed. Too overwhelmed that it’s taken it’s toll on me and I am here lying on me bed sick.

Pfft! Despite and in spite of, this post isn’t about mumbling and grumbling on how bad my life is. This is just recognising the challenges and appreciating the blessings.

Thank you God for letting me experience all of these. I wouldn’t be able to understand life more and people more.
God revealed something to me this week, too the day before Nanay’s birthday. I know it was the least expected.. Wait, no. It wasnt expected actually but I never felt any objections nor harsh reactions rather questions. Those usual questions like: “why me?” and “what did I do to deserve all these?” kind of questions.

Ah! Bother.

Whatever will be, will be. I know God didn’t picked me for nothing. In His perfect timing. However I will not stress over it for now. I have learned not to worry too much on the future instead focus on today. The present. With a smile. Just because.

I have missed out a whole lot in the past so it’s time to loosen up and enjoy what the day brings.

I am on my fifth week on the “healthier me” journey and there have been improvements already. It’s not much but hey, at least there’s still something.

Hooray for today and the days to come! Yay!

And as for the matters the heart, I am still taking one day at a time and I am not settling any time soon with anyone just yet. Downside though, is that most guy friends I get to talk or communicate misinterprets me.

Please, pretty please.. Don’t mistake my sweetness and kindness to flirting. I am single and unattached but that doesn’t mean I am open for flirting. That’s not what I am here for. It’s not bad conversing and getting to know someone and who knows t might lead somewhere but please. Hahahaha

It just feels awkward. Getting this kind of response from a particular person and it gotten too much so I ended up not sending a reply back. Hahaha

Ah! Life. Hahahaha

I am really enjoying this journey of being single and not rushing. Although at times I question when will the person meant for me finally arrives? Bother. Haha

Thank God it’s Friday! Thank God I am alive! Thank God for the miracles and blessings. I am smiling, just because. 🙂

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A Mother’s Love

A Mother’s Love

Mikee Cane

I used to have a mother
but now it’s all done.
My heart aches for a mother’s love,
A love like no other.
The thread that holds her heart to mine is far away gone.
A love I never had for years,
and usually brought me to tears.
My heart aches for a mother’s love
A  love that forgives;
A love that understands,
A love that never ends.
A love that is unconditional,
A love that’s not judgmental.
How I long to have those happy times
Back when I was a child…
Tucked in the arms of my beloved mother,
the child whom you loved so dear.
I long for a mother’s love,
from my mother that’s now long gone.

 

Better Safe Than Sorry.

Anger: After it’s gone you’ll realize how cheap it was. 🙂

7:45pm, Sunday and raining.. we’re on our way to church and was listening to Ed Sheeran’s song..

Ah! How I miss this. I was in a vehicle and feeling the cold breeze and be under the rain.. watching the lights from the cars and jeep behind us.. staring at the lights, feeling the moment and pondering.

Just like the old times. 🙂

Thought to myself I need to update the blog tonight.. I need to spill it all out. My head can’t contain it anymore, so is my heart.

I really do not know what I want to say.. maybe I do but I just don’t know how to start.

I found a quote last night about anger and it has something to do with anger, too. Well I am not that “angry” but the person I know for some time was.

Realized it was really cheap.. I have been unfortunately been called names again. And apparently, I found out yesterday I have been checked.. as in checked if I am a scammer. Apparently I am not. 🙂

sassymikee scam.

Wow. Just wow.

I have lost a bit of hope in humanity at a point.

Seriously.

I don’t feel bad and I am not afraid coz I hide nothing.

I never used people for money. I am not some kinda random person who asks people for money and spend them for whatevers and use other names or invest the money and use dummies. Heck.

Just because there are a lot of people from the Philippines you have heard that scammed and used people from other countries for money doesn’t mean every Filipino/ Filipinas you meet are scammers.

It is the same thing with a situation like this: just because you picked a rotten tomato in a pile of tomatoes doesn’t mean all of the tomatoes on display are rotten.

I found out through WordPress that someone searched on the internet.. Oh well.

It was quiet overwhelming.. at first I thought it was overwhelming in a good way.. but as soon as it goes deeper, my gut tells me that I should move on and quit whatever I am doing. I couldn’t contain it and my heart, for the most part can’t take it anymore so I had to quit.

No matter how much I am honest and how much I open myself up to someone, it always ends up me being the bad one. Why the heck is that?!

How dare you call me a scammer and judged me from the facts you knew from me or from the things I told you and used it against me without even knowing everything?

It was some basic information I have shared and I haven’t even scratched the surface yet and then you throw something at me like that?

Just because your words weren’t reciprocated and all I did was be honest and gave trusted you and you being the doubtful one call me “cold”?

And I know, it’s really cheap of me if I continue to communicate with you.. and tell me a lot of things after I said you forget me and assume nothing has happened. So there you are, angry, and then you stabbed me with words that are not true and you try to collect some facts from the things I shared to you and jump to conclusion of how filthy and cold I am and that the people in the past were right and I deserve such treatment because I am a scammer! Hahahaha

I don’t know and not sure if what you told me were true.. I know you’re capable of tracking people and hacking one’s system but heck.

I hope you heard yourself when you said that.. and I hope that one day if you read that message again, maybe.. just maybe in case if you still have the copy of that, it will stab you over and over and make you realize what you just said. 🙂

I hope next time you’d learn to listen to what you will be saying, feel and think before you say something to someone coz words are sharper than swords. If ever I hurt you from the things I’ve said and done that I know was the right thing to do, I am sorry. Pardon me for doing such but I cannot bear it any longer.

Better safe than sorry.

We all are going through a lot of things. Every human being, we all have our sufferings. All unique, one of a kind.

We all are entitled to be angry and mad.. but that doesn’t mean you have the right to be cruel. I hope that one day, too you will learn to open up your heart and learn how to listen and learn how to differentiate liars from those who are honest. How to know when the people you’re dealing with are genuine or fake.

If you have been mislead by others in the past, I won’t blame you.. but that doesn’t mean that all of the people will do that to you. If  you will do that to everyone, you will only push those people who has pure intentions and want to share their life with you. You will only screw things instead of making it progress or even end it before it even begins.

I really really hope you’ll find happiness and forgiveness, too.

Please remember, too that when you’re angry, it is best to not say anything. Or else, you’ll regret everything. 🙂

 

Just Random.

I was listening to a particular song yesterday when a lot of thoughts came out..

I don’t get it why do we have to let people go just to realize we love them?

Why can’t one be contented of what one has instead of messing up with someone and end up hurting others?

Why do we have to waste our time and waste others time instead of just not being involve?

Why do we have to take people for granted? Why!? Why is the human nature like this?!

When people say they hate drama but create their own drama?

Why are there a lot of people demand of respect when they, themselves seem to have lost respect.. when respect isn’t given, it’s earned anyway.

Then in a whim, I realize these are not thoughts. These are questions. Haha.

Oh well. One of those days, and yeah, I have my moments. 🙂

Blurting it Out.

Pananatili

Hangad

Huwag mong naising lisanin kita;
Wala ‘kong hangaring ika’y mag-isa.
Sa’n man magtungo, ako’y sasabay,
Magkabalikat sa paglalakbay.

Mananahan sa tahanang sisilong sa ‘yo,
Yayakapin ang landasin at bayan mo.

Poon mo ay aking ipagbubunyi
At iibigin nang buong sarili.
Sa’n man abutin ng paghahanap,
Ikaw at ako’y magkasamang ganap.

Ipahintulot nawa ng Panginoon:
Ni kamataya’y maglalaho, anino ng kahapon.

Dahil pag-ibig ang alay sa ‘yo, mananatili ako.
H’wag nang naising tayo’y mawalay,
H’wag nang isiping
Magwawakas ang paglalakbay.

A song that is a story of commitment and unconditional love based on a story in bible, from Song of Ruth.

I have known this song for years and have always dreamed of singing this on a wedding or on a mass but never get the chance as my choir mates were not too keen for this.

A song that is sublime, serene… just beautiful.

I have been feeling a lil down, just wee bit. And maybe a lil dreamy as well until I remembered this song. There have been too many thoughts running here and there inside my head at the moment, some wishful thinking(s), some disappointing, some hopeful ones, and some just popped out of nowhere that I have no idea why the heck it’s here inside them head. Maybe it’s here all along, subconsciously present from the start.

My heart is a bit heavy actually and I don’t know why oh why. I feel like crying but there’s nothing to cry for or I can’t find the sense in crying at the moment, maybe because of the song.. but I don’t think it has to do with the song. Oh well..

It suddenly brought back memories, people I knew from way back ages ago and not so long ago, the things and experiences I have been through, the people whom I hold dearly in my heart, people I love and care for that is close to me and those ones I love from afar, and a lot more, like a whole lot of it.. and feeling too exhausted as well. I am tired, too tired being too kind.. understanding the things I cannot understand; pretending to be strong when my whole world’s tumbling down; cheering people when I, myself needs to cheer up; smiling so people won’t ask me why I am not; being myself yet I am still judged and misunderstood and sometimes, mistreated when all I do is give my all yet I am still questioned; being positive and pretending that things are “okay” when they’re not; loving even if there’s nothing worthy of it anymore; and most of, seeing the good in the worse.

That no matter how much I open myself up for people, still I am not enough. Never. Ever.

No matter how much trust I give them, still it wouldn’t make any sense. That all these years, I have been giving the wrong people the right pieces of me. Sh*t. LOL

And more, no matter how much time and  effort you share and give to these people, it doesn’t count. Nothing counts. At all. Why are there people that have such heart?!

Alas! I finally blurted it out. These things I have been keeping to myself the past days.

It’s not just that, actually most of the time, I have also been taking it easy. I am dealing with challenges but these days, I am kind of dealing with it in a different way. More of a passive way, not thinking too much kind of way way. 🙂

I wish, somehow people will just stop judging and pretending that they really know me.. that what they see and what they hear isn’t always what it seems. They should stop validating people’s worth slash my worth or who I am even the others on how one looks like but on how one treats the other, how many people one has helped, on the way he shares and gives to others, and how he is to his fellowmen.  That somehow they’d stop minding others business and mind theirs.. and if others business is their business, I still hope they’d take a break and make use of their life in a way. You know, make a worth out of it. 🙂

But these are just too impossible maybe. These are far from reality. This is not how it works. Yes, I know. I wish there’s a special place for them that and they’ll stay forever on that place and never bother and give people a hard time. Hahaha Wishful thinking, I know. ^_^

Despite and in spite of, I have been deeply blessed still.

God is always working on with my life and never deprived me of anything, just there are times that I cannot keep up on His ways and His will but He’s always with me.

So welcomed August with sweetness and positivity! Mostly chocolates! Chocolate cake, chocolate and chocolate ice cream! Wow! That’s heaven! Oh, Love! 😀

I have been shedding and purging some people I know as well, others, shut me down already.. some, I did it myself. It’s time to shed off, not just people but things, too.

Also, I have learned that I do not need anyone or someone who’d help me change my life.. I only need myself, and of course, God.

Trust, just like love, respect and understanding doesn’t start from anyone but thyself. I also learned that trust is one that composes the strong foundation and the building block of any relationship: may it be romantic, friendship, parents to children, any relationship. Even the relationship with myself. If I don’t have trust, how can I trust people? Just like loving thyself. 🙂

Loving isn’t easy as well, most especially understanding. However, all of those things I have been having a hard time dealing with are just nothing compared to what God had experienced and is still experiencing. You know, like loving each one of us.. being questioned from time to time by almost everyone. Even blamed for one’s wrong doings and consequences. How could he deal such things? How can He still love us in times when we’re unlovable?

It’s not an easy thing, I know.. nevertheless He still loves us, even from afar. By having said that, I, myself, even if I can’t do all of it, I will try still. I will continue to see the goodness in everything. Literally everything no matter how hard it is. I’ve been there anyway, for sure I still can do it.

Understanding comes from love, even trusting and patience, too.

Now I know my worth and what I want, I won’t waste my time on people that are not worth it. I have had enough. I will still continue to be myself and just be myself, no matter what all of you people say. I am aware who these people are and I pity you for being hateful and not seeing the goodness in things. I just hope and pray you’ll eventually wake up and find happiness in your heart.

And for those who have a hard time opening themselves, even if it takes time I hope you will be able to open up soon and let people in, let love in your hearts and let it guide you to happiness and peace.

Lastly, this song… this is a reminder for me as well, I may not have that “someone” with me at the moment, God is with me all the time, wherever I go, whatever I do, whatever path I choose to go, He is with me. God’s love is unconditional, unending and fair. 🙂

His love always remains in us, through His Son, Jesus Christ; through our parents, our second parents, our brothers and sisters and relatives, friends, friends that we haven’t met yet.. His love is around us, in things, in circumstances, in nature; every where. ♥

I hope everyone’s having a great weekend. Keep safe y’all and be blessed. Spread the love and be an instrument of God’s love ♥