Day 67 of 365: Agony

dextIf I can write all these emotions and stress I have from the situation and challenges we are in right now, I might write a whole book about it. Tough times reveals true friends indeed. Only few cares, many just don’t.

It’s been tough weeks for me–for us, the whole family and for few people who cares. Nanay is sick and is currently at the hospital mending. She’s got pneumonia. These are the most agonizing, stressful and challenging days so far, seeing Nanay in pain and dealing with it wishing I was the one having it than her. We stayed home thinking and believing it’s just flu and cough but she’s getting worse by the day and decided to send her to the hospital. We did our best taking care of her at home but these home remedies and some medicine didn’t help so I had to do what’s best. Recalling the past days, I couldn’t believe myself dealing and getting through it. We’ve had so many sleepless nights, many heavy breathings and painful moments while I watch over Nanay in pain.. if I could take away the pain, I would. I wish. I am still keeping my head up, still trying to be strong even in most days and most nights, I’d like to break down and cry my heart out but I don’t have the energy. I have too many thoughts to share yet I can’t find the right words to say. I wish I can just even confide to someone but I can’t coz there’s no one to confide to. I kept things bottled up still but hopefully one day I’d let it all out. Writing/blogging helps, at least but it’s still different sharing it to humans. We’re still in struggle, financially for the most part. There are times I don’t know what to do but I just let go and let God. I am holding on to the hope and I still believe things will get better in time. Trust in God’s providence, they say. ๐Ÿ™‚

We are in dire need of help.. Please include us in your prayers. Thank you ๐Ÿ™‚

Advertisements

Smile, Just Because.

It’s been quiet a while since I posted something from my own thoughts lately. Given the fact that I am not often online on my laptop like I used to since it got broken and I am not sure when I will have it fixed. Hahaha

I still have my daily updates of quotes scheduled whenever I have the time to use my cousin’s PC. That’s still something to be thankful for ๐Ÿ™‚

Any who, it’s been crazy lately. Feeling flapdoodle and higgledy piggledy for days. I am not sure on what to feel… Well maybe not what to feel rather how to deal with the feels and the things around me. It’s like days of unending challenges and kinda but-wait-there’s-more-challenges-and-struggles-to-come-kinda-days I am dealing with. This week we celebrated Nanay’s birthday and ’twas oh-so-merry-kinda-day but hey, don’t get me wrong, I am grateful seeing nanay so happy and every one around us happy for her as well.

It’s just that you can’t skip those not so good days and here I am feeling overwhelmed. Too overwhelmed that it’s taken it’s toll on me and I am here lying on me bed sick.

Pfft! Despite and in spite of, this post isn’t about mumbling and grumbling on how bad my life is. This is just recognising the challenges and appreciating the blessings.

Thank you God for letting me experience all of these. I wouldn’t be able to understand life more and people more.
God revealed something to me this week, too the day before Nanay’s birthday. I know it was the least expected.. Wait, no. It wasnt expected actually but I never felt any objections nor harsh reactions rather questions. Those usual questions like: “why me?” and “what did I do to deserve all these?” kind of questions.

Ah! Bother.

Whatever will be, will be. I know God didn’t picked me for nothing. In His perfect timing. However I will not stress over it for now. I have learned not to worry too much on the future instead focus on today. The present. With a smile. Just because.

I have missed out a whole lot in the past so it’s time to loosen up and enjoy what the day brings.

I am on my fifth week on the “healthier me” journey and there have been improvements already. It’s not much but hey, at least there’s still something.

Hooray for today and the days to come! Yay!

And as for the matters the heart, I am still taking one day at a time and I am not settling any time soon with anyone just yet. Downside though, is that most guy friends I get to talk or communicate misinterprets me.

Please, pretty please.. Don’t mistake my sweetness and kindness to flirting. I am single and unattached but that doesn’t mean I am open for flirting. That’s not what I am here for. It’s not bad conversing and getting to know someone and who knows t might lead somewhere but please. Hahahaha

It just feels awkward. Getting this kind of response from a particular person and it gotten too much so I ended up not sending a reply back. Hahaha

Ah! Life. Hahahaha

I am really enjoying this journey of being single and not rushing. Although at times I question when will the person meant for me finally arrives? Bother. Haha

Thank God it’s Friday! Thank God I am alive! Thank God for the miracles and blessings. I am smiling, just because. ๐Ÿ™‚

20140919-224606.jpg

If I Could.

If I Could

Mikee Cane

If I could spit all my feelings.. but I can’t.

Maybe people will say, oh that’s just a simple rant.

It’s like I am strangled by my own feelings and it’s ironic.

I wanna scream and shout, oh, I am on it!

If I could spit it all out.

If I could, I am not sure if people will treat me the same as they treat me now.

I wish you knew. I so wish you all knew.. but how?

If I could..

I can’t even spit it all myself out.

It All Starts With You

I’ve been silent for a few days not because I am useless for words but because I haven’t got the notion yet.

Been doing a whole lot of ponderings and reevaluating of things and mostly of myself.

Picked the pieces up and now bouncing back again. Yay!

It has been a great journey and still going so to speak. Currently having struggles and challenges still but I am not letting it get through me after it did in the past weeks.

A month ago, I decided to get myself back on track to being “healthy” once again. I started out one step, one day at a time.. For a week, I tried cutting of some stuff that is more than enough. It was a bit challenging but worth it. The second week started and incorporated exercise with it. Yay!

Starting is never easy and I heard from a lot of people that losing weight is never easy compared to gaining. Self control and motivation is one key. Besides, it all starts with me.

We are what we think and if we think we can’t do it without even starting then we will never achieve anything. I have a lot of ups and downs on this journey but I only failed coz I stopped believing and doing it. I am on my fourth week and I’ve been feeling great than I used to be. I exercise three to four times a week and now used to eating enough. I never deprived myself on eating sweet stuff but take it in moderation. I feel great knowing that my system is used to it already. Like it craves exercise and it wants exercise! Woo to the hoo! A big hug from myself to myself. Hahaha

I am blessed to be surrounded by people who pushes me and encourage me to be better version of myself. I am loving this journey with these lovely blessings from God. ๐Ÿ™‚

I am even more grateful for God’s blessings, may it be lil or big things. My laptop got broken but I learned to not stress myself too much about it and enjoy my time out interacting more to real people and reality. And for the loved ones and friends from afar whom one way or the other have become a part and still are in my life these days.

It all starts with me. Whatever things and path I will choose, it’s all up to me; whether choose to succeed, or suffer; live life or get by; be happy or be miserable. It’s all up to me and it all starts with me.

I still have a long way to go but I will never stop coz it feels great.

Cheers to my fourth week and counting!

Have a lovely Sunday y’all! ๐Ÿ™‚

20140907-134500.jpg

Thoughts.. yet again. :)

Learn from others who are different from youโ€ฆ like how to be someone people actually love.

I have been having tough times lately on dealing with people in general and find this quote right on time.

Not only personal stuff but also some of the things the world is on about.

I am not a perfect person and never ever will be but I am blessed where I am and the people God surrounded me with. I am humbled by the situation and the experiences God put me every day to learn and use these things to people and to become a better person.

I am recently having wee tough time with a person and finding it a wee harder taking in those beautiful and challenging words. Literally learning, understanding and being in the same shoes the person I am having rough times with at the moment isn’t easy at all.

I am doing and trying my very very best to humble down so I won’t get myself into trouble or be the person to give others happiness but I cannot please everyone. I just hope and pray that this will pass and peace shall stay.

Will still be that same person who doesn’t hold grudges to anyone and let things pass even though it’s a bit hard and understand, see the good things despite the not so good things that’s happening. That person who forgives and understand people more.. I know I mentioned the word understand twice it’s because that’s what I need to do at the moment.

This, too shall pass.

Ah! Life and it’s unending twists and turns.

Queer life that is. ๐Ÿ™‚

Blah.

I long for no break ups, no goodbyes. I long for forever.

– Mikee Cane

 

Another week has passed.. well getting there and feeling so blah. I don’t know how to describe it really. I’ve been binging and munching too many chocolates and sweets this week. I need to get hyped! I need moxie.

And that personal quote there, some memories I have recollected and I came up with that.. I wanted to make a poem but I’ve no idea where to start so I am just collecting these thoughts one a time.

I was not even back on my weekly routine just yet not because I am being a slacker but because I haven’t had time and too tired the whole time. It’s as if I am just living for nothing at the moment.. like I am just here getting by. Oh what a week!

A lot has happened this week, too and looking forward for more which is good. haha

Speaking of feeling tired, there’s also something I have been feeling that I don’t even know how to describe nor explain and I just let myself get drown with it. I am not lonely for sure and it’s not about the soft and breezy songs that made me.

There’s something I’ve been praying fervently and I couldn’t tell anyone about it so yeah, that’s probably one.

I celebrated a lot of anniversaries this month, too. Hahaha.

First year on WordPress, first year knowing my brother from another momma, a year of having “work”, it’s been a year since I haven’t traveled, a year being single, a year full of ups and downs and a whole lot of roller coaster of emotions and experiences. Wow.

Looking forward to brighter days still and things will eventually fall to where they should be.

On the contrary, earlier this week a cousin of mine received a message from someone who wants us down. Such a pity really. Maybe it stirred up from my post about someone checking if I am a scam. Ha!

Funny that!

Funny how one really point their fingers to us doing something which we never did and pretending and feeling like they’re perfect and too clean!

Why is it that no matter how much I try to mind my own life there will always be haters, bashers and naysayers who keeps pulling me down!?

Human nature eh? I wish these mobs will go getย  a life and mind their own. Oh well.

A message for you whoever you are: Go ahead. Do what makes you happy. You will never bring me down coz my feet are still on the ground. Hahaha.

I will never ever stoop down to where you are, I ain’t got no time for that. I will always be the itch you can’t scratch. Deal with that!

Oh and please be reminded to look and examine yourself in the mirror first before pointing your fingers to someone else’s imperfections. I ain’t perfect, so are you.

Anywho, thank you for with you around there somewhere, you keep me grounded. ๐Ÿ™‚

Just Random.

I was listening to a particular song yesterday when a lot of thoughts came out..

I don’t get it why do we have to let people go just to realize we love them?

Why can’t one be contented of what one has instead of messing up with someone and end up hurting others?

Why do we have to waste our time and waste others time instead of just not being involve?

Why do we have to take people for granted? Why!? Why is the human nature like this?!

When people say they hate drama but create their own drama?

Why are there a lot of people demand of respect when they, themselves seem to have lost respect.. when respect isn’t given, it’s earned anyway.

Then in a whim, I realize these are not thoughts. These are questions. Haha.

Oh well. One of those days, and yeah, I have my moments. ๐Ÿ™‚

Happy Anniversary To Me With WordPress.com!

I got a notification from WordPress.com earlier for my 500th post and then there comes next, Happy Anniversary with WordPress.com! Yay!

It’s been a year since I have been back blogging and sharing my thoughts and express myself through music, quotes, whatever things that I can come up with. Thank you, WordPress for this! haha.

And I want to thank the people who’s been a part of all of this. For the 200+ people who’s clicked the follow button on here, I know it’s not much compared to some who’s been here only for months, but gosh. I never expected that people on a whim. ๐Ÿ™‚

My goal isn’t to gain a whole lot anyway, my purpose is to express myself mainly in the hope of sharing good things aside from writing my heartaches, detriments, my quirks, distress, bliss and whatever emotions this very piece of me come up with.

It’s been a year. Gosh. Time flies fast. That FAST.

It felt like it was only a week or a month ago. ๐Ÿ™‚

One year. It only means I’ve been over at some phase of my life, and it’s been a year I’ve been doing great! Woo to the hoo!

Looking back and reading my post from the day I started made me smile and gave myself a pat in the back for what I have done. I may not be where I wanted and expected to be from where I am at this very moment, I am definitely happy for I am blessed beyond I can imagine, I have a wonderful and loving family, friends near or far, and people who continue to make me feel that life is precious and that every day is a miracle. ๐Ÿ™‚

I have been through a lot of ups and downs, obviously a long roller coaster of emotions, experiences, life’s lessons and challenges but here I am still alive and kicking! Teehee :3

I still have a lot to experience, goals and dreams I have yet to accomplish and fulfill. One day, one step at a time.

I cannot thank God enough for this life He let me borrow. I have more than enough of what I needed and more is that I am blessed with the opportunity to share it through WordPress.

Thank you, WordPress for letting me share my sojourn to the world. Looking forward to many more anniversaries with you! hahaha (Sounds too cheesy but what the heck.) ๐Ÿ˜›

I hope everyone’s having a great week so far! Be blessed a be a blessing to others loves! โ™ฅ

Blurting it Out.

Pananatili

Hangad

Huwag mong naising lisanin kita;
Wala โ€˜kong hangaring ikaโ€™y mag-isa.
Saโ€™n man magtungo, akoโ€™y sasabay,
Magkabalikat sa paglalakbay.

Mananahan sa tahanang sisilong sa โ€˜yo,
Yayakapin ang landasin at bayan mo.

Poon mo ay aking ipagbubunyi
At iibigin nang buong sarili.
Saโ€™n man abutin ng paghahanap,
Ikaw at akoโ€™y magkasamang ganap.

Ipahintulot nawa ng Panginoon:
Ni kamatayaโ€™y maglalaho, anino ng kahapon.

Dahil pag-ibig ang alay sa โ€˜yo, mananatili ako.
Hโ€™wag nang naising tayoโ€™y mawalay,
Hโ€™wag nang isiping
Magwawakas ang paglalakbay.

A song that is a story of commitment and unconditional love based on a story in bible, from Song of Ruth.

I have known this song for years and have always dreamed of singing this on a wedding or on a mass but never get the chance as my choir mates were not too keen for this.

A song that is sublime, serene… just beautiful.

I have been feeling a lil down, just wee bit. And maybe a lil dreamy as well until I remembered this song. There have been too many thoughts running here and there inside my head at the moment, some wishful thinking(s), some disappointing, some hopeful ones, and some just popped out of nowhere that I have no idea why the heck it’s here inside them head. Maybe it’s here all along, subconsciously present from the start.

My heart is a bit heavy actually and I don’t know why oh why. I feel like crying but there’s nothing to cry for or I can’t find the sense in crying at the moment, maybe because of the song.. but I don’t think it has to do with the song. Oh well..

It suddenly brought back memories, people I knew from way back ages ago and not so long ago, the things and experiences I have been through, the people whom I hold dearly in my heart, people I love and care for that is close to me and those ones I love from afar, and a lot more, like a whole lot of it.. and feeling too exhausted as well. I am tired, too tired being too kind.. understanding the things I cannot understand; pretending to be strong when my whole world’s tumbling down; cheering people when I, myself needs to cheer up; smiling so people won’t ask me why I am not; being myself yet I am still judged and misunderstood and sometimes, mistreated when all I do is give my all yet I am still questioned; being positive and pretending that things are “okay” when they’re not; loving even if there’s nothing worthy of it anymore; and most of, seeing the good in the worse.

That no matter how much I open myself up for people, still I am not enough. Never. Ever.

No matter how much trust I give them, still it wouldn’t make any sense. That all these years, I have been giving the wrong people the right pieces of me. Sh*t. LOL

And more, no matter how much time andย  effort you share and give to these people, it doesn’t count. Nothing counts. At all. Why are there people that have such heart?!

Alas! I finally blurted it out. These things I have been keeping to myself the past days.

It’s not just that, actually most of the time, I have also been taking it easy. I am dealing with challenges but these days, I am kind of dealing with it in a different way. More of a passive way, not thinking too much kind of way way. ๐Ÿ™‚

I wish, somehow people will just stop judging and pretending that they really know me.. that what they see and what they hear isn’t always what it seems. They should stop validating people’s worth slash my worth or who I am even the others on how one looks like but on how one treats the other, how many people one has helped, on the way he shares and gives to others, and how he is to his fellowmen.ย  That somehow they’d stop minding others business and mind theirs.. and if others business is their business, I still hope they’d take a break and make use of their life in a way. You know, make a worth out of it. ๐Ÿ™‚

But these are just too impossible maybe. These are far from reality. This is not how it works. Yes, I know. I wish there’s a special place for them that and they’ll stay forever on that place and never bother and give people a hard time. Hahaha Wishful thinking, I know. ^_^

Despite and in spite of, I have been deeply blessed still.

God is always working on with my life and never deprived me of anything, just there are times that I cannot keep up on His ways and His will but He’s always with me.

So welcomed August with sweetness and positivity! Mostly chocolates! Chocolate cake, chocolate and chocolate ice cream! Wow! That’s heaven! Oh, Love! ๐Ÿ˜€

I have been shedding and purging some people I know as well, others, shut me down already.. some, I did it myself. It’s time to shed off, not just people but things, too.

Also, I have learned that I do not need anyone or someone who’d help me change my life.. I only need myself, and of course, God.

Trust, just like love, respect and understanding doesn’t start from anyone but thyself. I also learned that trust is one that composes the strong foundation and the building block of any relationship: may it be romantic, friendship, parents to children, any relationship. Even the relationship with myself. If I don’t have trust, how can I trust people? Just like loving thyself. ๐Ÿ™‚

Loving isn’t easy as well, most especially understanding. However, all of those things I have been having a hard time dealing with are just nothing compared to what God had experienced and is still experiencing. You know, like loving each one of us.. being questioned from time to time by almost everyone. Even blamed for one’s wrong doings and consequences. How could he deal such things? How can He still love us in times when we’re unlovable?

It’s not an easy thing, I know.. nevertheless He still loves us, even from afar. By having said that, I, myself, even if I can’t do all of it, I will try still. I will continue to see the goodness in everything. Literally everything no matter how hard it is. I’ve been there anyway, for sure I still can do it.

Understanding comes from love, even trusting and patience, too.

Now I know my worth and what I want, I won’t waste my time on people that are not worth it. I have had enough. I will still continue to be myself and just be myself, no matter what all of you people say. I am aware who these people are and I pity you for being hateful and not seeing the goodness in things. I just hope and pray you’ll eventually wake up and find happiness in your heart.

And for those who have a hard time opening themselves, even if it takes time I hope you will be able to open up soon and let people in, let love in your hearts and let it guide you to happiness and peace.

Lastly, this song… this is a reminder for me as well, I may not have that “someone” with me at the moment, God is with me all the time, wherever I go, whatever I do, whatever path I choose to go, He is with me. God’s love is unconditional, unending and fair. ๐Ÿ™‚

His love always remains in us, through His Son, Jesus Christ; through our parents, our second parents, our brothers and sisters and relatives, friends, friends that we haven’t met yet.. His love is around us, in things, in circumstances, in nature; every where. โ™ฅ

I hope everyone’s having a great weekend. Keep safe y’all and be blessed. Spread the love and be an instrument of God’s love โ™ฅ