Baby needs some protection, but I am a kid like everyone else. So let me go, I don’t wanna be your hero. I don’t wanna be a big man. I just wanna fight like everyone else.
– Hero, Family of the Year
It’s been days since I have updated my book for this year. Feeling drained the past days, Nanay on the other hand needed some taking care coz she wasn’t feeling well, too. I was caught in doing work and looking after people and things that needs to be looked after. I missed a few days of writing the bits and bobs of things but will summarize them all at once. 🙂
There were too many thoughts I’ve always wanted to express but everytime I try to, I lost the moxie to do so. It’s like the wind, it comes and then it go as soon as I want to open my mind and heart. The excerpt from the song above just fits my whole feelings, it is so on point. I just wanna tell the universe or whoever I can tell that to.. To just let me go coz I am tired to be their hero. I feel tired fighting for life in a way, for people, for things all by myself. I don’t wanna always be the “big man” all the time, just like others, I am also a “baby” that needs protection and needs to rest. But unfortunately I have no one to protect me and to be in the “hero” position while I relax for a lil bit. I am not saying like there’s no God or no one really is out there.. Don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining here, or maybe I am but I think I have the right, I don’t get to complain all the time anyway. Hehe
Just as I thought I have someone, I get a big slap on my face that these “heroes” I thought and expected will walk with me and help me along the way don’t exist or only exist when they want to. I don’t know how to describe it but these people are only there when it’s convenient to them. Like they’ll only be there coz they need something and they want something from you. So I ended up being my own hero instead. Learning to be my own hero the hard way. It makes me wonder and reflect, too. I felt bad and get mad at these “false heroes” but in a way it made me ask myself the same question as to whether I have been a good hero to them or I am just being a hero coz I have to? Am I being a “false hero” myself, too?!
I don’t know if I make sense so yeah. From these experiences, it taught me to know where I stand in someone’s or in people’s lives. Coz if I know, and I stay where I am suppose to stay, there will never be a lot of expectations. Hence, less pain. Less expectations, less hurt. Saves me some energy. Hehe
On the contrary, I have been wondering and got too much questions in me head, too. From that time I decided to let go and move forward was the same time I started praying for the person whoever God meant for me. It’s odd, I know but it’s became a habit of mine to pray for him regardless of who that person is and where he is from. It’s like talking to him thru the wind, just that I never received any response yet coz I am not sure who he is and when he’s gon receive these messages. Haha
And having said that, I created a letter for “him” tonight.
Letter to the person God meant for me:
For the person God meant for me, whoever you are, I hope and pray, you’re strong enough to be your own hero and other people’s hero at the same time. That no matter how tumultuous life can get and how much exhausted you will be, you will still be that same hero God designed you to be. Just know, too that somewhere, in the Philippines, you my dear have a hero. I am adamant that you will be and will remain vehement and strong. I am keen to meet you.. In God’s perfect time and will. For now I will continue this journey by myself until we meet and be the hero for each other. Things are getting better on my end, I have learned not to rush into things and make use of the time while you’re not here. I have learned to never ever settle for less than what I deserve and up to this day, I always remind myself to do so. I have been self sufficient in so many ways, too. Doors and windows have been opened for opportunities and blessings I never thought will come, also, made friends with men and never expected much from them anymore and never see them men as “prospect” hoping “you’re it”. I have learned that it’s not like job hunting and neither a race and there’s a finish line or a deadline to meet. In time, we will get to meet. One day, we will be able to look after one another and be that hero and at the same time the baby both of us have to take care, pamper and look after. Yep, one day. One day, someday soon.
Until then, I will see you and meet you. 🙂
Alas! I already spilled more than enough.. Too much to say after days of hiatus hey? Haha
Until the next page peeps! I gotta crash and get some beauty sleep. (as if) haha
Hope y’all have a blessed day and a day full of love! Be inspired, be an inspiration, and be a hero. ❤