Letters I Never Sent: To Someone I Never Want To Write About

To whom it may concern:

When I attempt to write or express something, I always end up writing nothing or just a fraction of what I really wanted to write but today, I have a letter regarding about my thoughts and what I wanted to say that I never told you because I wasn’t supposed to and I never expected I’d even write about.

I said I will never ever write about you, nor spend time on writing about you and say bad things or good things about you and never will but I guess I should or I will.

It’s funny and maybe even absurd to think about the time I got to know you and I spent with you. I felt like it was a joke, I was a joke and how I hate myself for falling to that trap of lies and make believe and “fantasies” I made during that time. I have been asking myself a lot of questions lately not just because of what I am going through but the things I have been through, people I met, people I believed and gave my trust into but turned out to be people who were just playing around on other people’s emotions. Looking back at it, sometimes I regret and wished I could’ve just played with you or used you for my expense but unfortunately I am not like that and I will never ever do that. Well actually it isn’t unfortunate of me, somehow though it just pains me that after all that I have done, I am heartbroken; I wished I could’ve just never trusted you at all. I asked God why do I have to go through this? I never played nor used people, I was honest to a fault and even gave my all and my best yet I always end up heartbroken, being lied to, cheated on, and being used to. 

I just want to be happy. I just want to love and be loved, I just want people around me happy, it is too much to ask?

Oh God, I don’t know what I have done to deserve this! Do I really deserve this? My life is so fVcked up these days, (sorry I speak French) but yeah, I wonder what I have done in my past life for these to happen but it is what it is.

I never hated you before but now I do, and I can forgive you, I am also trying to understand and put myself in your shoes but I can’t and I won’t even try. I hate you to the point where I just wished one day you will end up unhappy. I know, it’s not nice of me but at the same time I wish you all the best and I wish you happiness. I am weird like that… I wish you happiness coz we all deserve to be happy but also unhappiness coz of what you’ve done, you know? The world is round and even if I am still in a place where I am at, challenged and full of struggles at least I know I never played and used people. I never lied and I never took advantage of people, not even to their hardest of times and their weaknesses. I hope somehow it won’t really happen to you, I know, I shouldn’t wish you ill will, which I am really not gonna even if I want to but you have kids. I will just let time and let nature do it’s course… But honestly though, I gotta tell you this once and for all so I can also let it go and move on peacefully or maybe I did moved on until I found out your lies and the truth; you can unfriend, unfollow and even block me on social medias, but you will never ever block me in your heart and maybe in your mind. No matter how much you try, I will make sure, I will haunt you for the rest of your life.

I know, I sound conceited or too full of myself from that statement but one day or I hope somehow time will come that you will understand why I said that. From what you did and from what I did and I was to you. I will haunt you, or maybe not. Maybe I was really nothing to you or someone with no value. Or it’s maybe you are my wakeup call from God. I am thankful it didn’t pushed through what I had with you, I hope that person you chose will do the same and will never do what you did to me or whoever that person will or is. Or maybe I am just plainly foolish, foolish and stupid to believe and see the good in everything and everyone or it’s just a blessing in disguise that things happened the way they happened to save me from more pain of having you around. Or maybe not foolish, that’s just me. That you’re not worthy. That you are someone is worthy of, just not me. Thank you though for coming into my life no matter how much pain you caused, I know I learned from it and I learned to know and look deeper into myself and realize my worth, more over, to change myself not for you or for anyone but for myself and for the best. Thank you. I really wish you all the best.

Truthfully,

MC

Letters I Never Sent

I don’t regret you but sometimes I wish I had walked away at the start and left things at hello.

Most of what I share here are mere thoughts and words that came up to me from experiences, from situations and from anything and everything my brain can summon; some writings, poetry and quotable quotes from others which brings significance in my life.

I have always wanted to do DIY stuff and beauty 101 in my blog with my cousin but we don’t have too much time on our hands and since my craft is never the artsy fartsy thingy bobs, I am doing a collection I will call “Letters I Never Sent”. These are the things; emotions, thoughts and everything– may it be big or small, that I never expressed and tell to people that came across my way hence, the title. 🙂

Without farther ado, here’s one for someone.

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Dear Someone-I-Thought-Will-Fight-For-Me,

First off, I’d like to dedicate the quote above mentioned, it signifies my feelings towards you in the present but I must say, I don’t really regret knowing you, well somehow.. for there are so many things, wonderful things you made me feel and things I learned from you. It’s just that deep within me wished I just didn’t let myself get carried away in saying hello and replying to every messages you sent me. Although I know, for whatever reason meeting you is about, I am thankful for the things I learned while you were around.

My heart broke when I decided to let you go. I know I said to you so many times I will fight for you and I want you happy, even if it’s not with me although it’s apparent, too that I want you happy with me. But sadly I had to do that not because you were not someone I thought you will be but I just didn’t feel it’s gonna last. Or maybe it will if we tried harder but I don’t know really. Though you say you feel me in a lot of ways, it doesn’t feel right. I don’t feel those words for the most part. I am not writing this with hate, however I feel disappointed and hurt. Nevertheless thankful for that time you sent me a message for the very last time. I felt there was closure, being able to tell you that I miss you and some things I wanted to tell you. I wasn’t so sure why you said you disagree with my decision, it’s just that I do not feel the same about it. Or maybe it’s just me? I wondered why I was expecting you’d never ask for another chance. It was a little frustrating, though and I wished you could’ve asked if we can work things or maybe you really don’t want to. Maybe in the next lifetime? Or maybe not?

I was a little confused however because you said you wanted to be with me but at the same time you are conflicted. How? Why? What the hell!? I know the situation is never easy but it’s never impossible to ever see each other if you on the other hand, is really willing. Like the saying goes, “if there’s a will, there’s a way” and if you’re really not willing then there’d be excuses and other things like but, ifs, and whatnots.

There is no hate in my heart while I was writing this, neither I am bitter, lonely and depressed. Things have never been clearer, talking to you, that day helped me in a lot of ways and I guess that’s the last time I will ever talk to you. I felt you probably were intoxicated by alcohol at the time, too. Or I really don’t know. I just felt you were. I never heard from you again, but I guess it’s better that way. I can now finally move on, I really don’t feel bad now. The heartbreak didn’t last long. When I told you I miss you and when you told me you’ve been following my posts, among other things, I was sad and I cried, too. But didn’t feel the pain as much as I did in the past weeks. I never had much clarity until you asked me if I will fight for us. When I thought you know I will. But I guess you never did or I don’t know again. I am not a mind reader. 

I reckon there’s a lot of “maybe’s” and “I don’t know’s” in this post, coz I wasn’t really sure first hand. But what I am so sure now is that I will never ever settle for mediocre love. I might end up growing old single, I guess that’s better than settling to something less than I deserve. That I am a lifetime and not something less. I am not sure of what the future holds… which the thought from my post “Maybe” says: Maybe we are meant to be.. or maybe I was meant to live without you but I will never ever understand. 

I will never ever understand because there’s always ways to make things work but why things have to be like this.. but that’s just it. This is life hey? I have accepted that, and sometimes things have to eventually end. Thank you for those times, thank you for letting me feel that connection with someone doesn’t always have to be felt physically even though you never felt the same way about that. I am at peace now and I hope you are, too. I will let time unfold things. I am not sure what’s in store in the days ahead, for you and for myself. But I am happy and I feel okay despite our situation at the moment and I can say that I have gotten over you and thinking about you like I used to, and thinking of the possibilities of life with you coz I know it will never happen.

Like the saying goes about writing and expressing: “One cannot write if there’s no forgiveness,” which says a lot about what I feel, too. Whatever mistakes and not so nice things I said and done, I hope you forgive me. I hope you have a great life ahead of you and I wish you the best, a lot of happiness and love. 🙂

Sincerely and truthfully,

SC