It’s been days I’ve been pondering on a lot of things, from small to big things. Not just my life but the things going on around me.. it’s been lovely days so far, and I am grateful and blessed for the things that I had, I am having and will have in the coming days.
With each day that passes means a day closer to where things are suppose to be. Looking forward to tomorrow, and a whole lot of tomorrows. I am not sure what it is Lord, but I know there’s something. I am not sure when but I will still keep the faith and hang on in here.
However, just a while ago while I was sorting out some files and photos that I’d like to share, someone sent me a message. He’s someone I know over a year ago and it’s almost a year I have been on and off talking to him. Something hit me tonight. While talking to him, there were flashes of thoughts and the same situations and experiences I was in years ago… where despite the people’s shortcomings and flaws, I still see the good in them.. that even though they have been telling me lies and I have been mislead by them I still continue to believe that there’s still time and chance for them to change and there’s always good in them.. somewhere.
That even if they have hurt me too many times, I still try to understand them and even if there are hard times to “understand” them, I am still here, waiting for them to do the same and treat me the same but always ends up being left behind and being in pain.
I am too vulnerable and too naive… this “wearing my heart on my sleeve” trait of mine always ends me up being mislead on and or, being hurt and worse, left behind.
And tonight, I feel so hurt somewhere.. somewhere in one corner of my heart deep down there got tired and exhausted believing that there’s good coming… and also a part of it is also tired of being treated so bad by others.. when I only show them who I am and what I am…
It’s always nice to hear sweet things from people, from strangers and even from people you know and you have been with. It’s easy to say things and even believe in things but too hard to prove and act upon it. Others they’d say things but they don’t really mean it.. or they’d not even do it. Only for the sake of letting people believe and hold on to something that’s not even there.
Oh well.. I don’t know if I make sense.. maybe I am just pouring out what’s in my mind and in my heart for the most part.
I’ve never felt this for a long time now.. and tonight it just popped out somewhere. I am too tired believing to people somehow. Well not everyone but I just realized I need to slow down a bit.. I am too tired dealing with negative people around me. It’s time to purge out people and not just people but change my ways, too.
I am cleaning my slate again. I am deleting some people in my life again this time and will start anew. I will try to surround myself with people that has good vibrations and positive energies… I will have to stop wasting my time believing and trusting people too easily. Minimize giving people my time and give myself some..
I am not settling down to just spending time with people that’s not even worth it. I’d rather spend it with family… with God. I know it’s easier said than done but I gotta do it. This is life, and I need to deal with it.
I am not allowing myself to be treated the same way I was treated before. I deserve to be happy. For now, I need to start with myself. One day, one step at a time. I need to focus and set goals as well.
I have deleted some people on social medias and applications that I often use.. those so called “friends” that I never even get to talk, were already gone.. now what I need to do is to let the good vibes in. Changing some of my ways one step at a time, too.
Ah! I am not sure what I am writing here as my mind feels like in a gutter at the moment. There are bucket loads still I want to express and vent out yet I do not know how to say it. I just hope one day.. one day maybe, things will be different.
It’s too hard guarding my heart coz I’ve always love being with people and I love to give… even to those not so worthy… but I can’t blame myself. lol
Jesus did that, too even if people ended up flogging him and putting him to death. Pfft!
Maybe, just maybe I need to slow down and get some sleep, too. LOL
Maybe my heart is too big.. or too small for others, I don’t know. I need to ask someone to open and check it for me. hahaha
I wanted to cry.. cry so hard and feel sorry for myself and ask myself why!?
But I can’t cry.. I am not sorry for myself too. I tried and be myself for the most part. Screw you. hahaha. Screw you who can’t accept me for who I am. Screw you for not being able to treat me the same.. I know someone, some people will. Screw you for letting yourselves treat others so bad and for sucking the energies and taking advantage of people. Screw you for screwing yourselves. hahaha. Well not screw you actually, I hope one day you’ll find happiness and peace.. and I hope you won’t get hurt as much as the hurt you caused the people you did bad things with.
Boo friggin’ hoo. This girl needs to get to bed. I am babbling already. hahaha
Gah! Have a lovely day y’all!