Life’s never easy, it never was but once in a lifetime, you meet someone who’s worth all these sacrifices, worth all these pains and those times that you need to hold on to life a little bit more and overcome the bumps, challenges and struggles along the way. Someone who will give light, someone who is your purpose, someone who will give life more meaning and more happiness. Someone who appreciates you and is proud of you, someone is willing to give time and attention without reservations; no ifs and buts, no maybes and we-shall-sees; someone who always stays and never leaves, someone who’s there with you all along. And most of all, someone you will love and will love you like you’ve never love and never been loved before. -MC
“It has been a while since I was here”, these are the lines I use to start the blog especially when I am about to pour and vent out my emotions. Yes, it’s true. It’s been a while and that is the line I know and I can easily open things up. I kept mum on most of the things I have dealt with, especially after what happened to us, to Nanay, to myself.. Moreover, I find it too cliché or too common to be updating and sharing you all with my heartaches, my detriments and my downsides.
Today is not like the ordinary days, or the usual day. Like most days, it’s one of the most down moments and my heart feels so sore. I don’t really know why.. or maybe I have ideas why just not to sure what to be exact.
I felt too excited and happy to start with, looking forward to something I could’ve made myself get busy with yet just like other days, this day is one of those many disappointing, frustrating and lonely days. I want to cry so bad yet I don’t know how to start it with. I want to scream. I want to go somewhere, take a walk like I used to do when my heart feels sore but I can’t. I want to venture out and be productive but I can’t. Not even walk some place which made me so bummed out. I feel like spiraling, I don’t know where to go, what to do and what I am feeling exactly. I want to vomit but I am too tired to do so, I want to break down but I couldn’t do it. It’s so hard to breathe, my lungs are too short of air kind of feeling that every time I try to inhale air, my heart felt like it’s been strangled, crushed too many times.
Oh God. What is happening with me? With my life?!
Where is this heading? I mean it’s been a while since I’ve been stuck and I want to get out of this hellhole I am in. I know I sound so negative or like I am really in a worse place but it does feel like that now. And before you judge me with my words, I am aware each of us have our different stories and experiences, I know there are people that are experiencing a lot worse than I am at the moment. I just want to have my life back. I just wanna be happy, I just wanna be loved, have someone in my life I can sure confide with. I want to do what I love to do but every time I do, something seems to block me and stops me from getting there. What have I done wrong? Where did I go wrong? What on earth have I done in the past life to have all these!? I made a choice, I know I did and I only wanted what was best, not just for me but for these people I chose to live my life with.. but it also seemed to me that it’s not working that way. I a feeling too low yet no one asked me how I am or what I am feeling. No one really knows I am feeling this way. I know, I sound so desperate… pathetic and someone that is in dire need of attention. I know, right? But who cares? No one does. Well as far as I know, no one does.
I don’t know for how long I needed to wait, God. I have followed these path You wanted me to cross and walk on, I did what You wanted me to do, I gave up a lot of things. Some say following Your path and living Your ways gives you sweetest things, I know it’s never that easy but for now, I know it’s not that easy. It is never easy. I am not feeling it. Not that I don’t acknowledge You, but it’s just too hard. I will still be patient, I will try and do my best to be that person You know I am however, pardon me and forgive me for not feeling “it” for now. I just couldn’t see and feel the “sense” of it all, perhaps I still have to wait. I am not desperate, it’s just that I am weary, I am anxious and I am too scared. I feel too alone, you know? I was so happy and grateful the past days that I have with me these kind and beautiful people yet some of them are leaving, drifting away; some are too afraid to stay, some even pushes me away. It’s heartbreaking not being able to receive the same as what I am giving yet I know, and it always boils down to me expecting too much and giving too much.. but there’s no giving and loving too much. I don’t believe in loving or giving by halves.. I always give by whole that’s why I easily get hurt. Blimey!
I don’t really know what’s gonna happen in the next days.. too blurry to look at the road at the moment. I hope one day, things will be okay for reals.
Dear future lover,
I gave up in the hope of meeting you or maybe not completely given up but expecting about it less and less every single day. Although I’d love to meet you in the streets in town randomly walking or maybe when I am running errands in a hurry coz I rarely go to coffee shops these days anyway. Haha
Seriously though, I just hope I’d meet you regardless.
I just thought of sharing it on here, it’s been a while since I wrote something and that came up when I read about an article somewhere. Haha.
I hope y’all have a great week so far!
May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself. – Neil Gaiman
I just couldn’t express everything that I am feeling and I have experienced in the past but I am blessed for those, it made me who I am today. I am and will be forever grateful for those and to this year and many years to come, even though I am not sure what is in store for me, I am claiming great things for me and for the family. For the person who loves me and I am in love with, more love for us. Less tears of sorrow and pain; more tears of joy; more happiness and love; more blessings, too!
I came across Neil G’s quote today and I am using it as one of my mantra this year. I wouldn’t just read but write more and won’t hesitate sharing them to the world. I will continue to inspire and be inspired; love, be loved and love even more. Will still be the person who keeps on fighting even if there’s nothing left to fight for. I hope for great things this year really, it’s been a challenging year for us in the past. Great things are yet to come! Bring it on, 2016! ^_^
As I was looking at my photo, projecting a smile… Oh God, I tell myself. I wish you all knew, I wish I can tell y’all what I am going through.. or the things I have been thinking all these times, the feelings I have been keeping to myself. The experiences, challenges, struggles, pains I have dealt with. But that won’t matter, never will. I know there are a lot of people going through a lot, worse than me. So I guess it’s better this way hey?
When you’re told about wishing you’ll be living the rest of your life miserable and unhappy and tell you there’ll be nothing left for you.. or they’ll take away everything from you; like literally. But all I can say is there’s nothing left to lose anyway, just take everything coz only thing that I have these days that one can take away is this life I am living. I don’t have my family, no more family is waiting for me. I have nothing really, not anything that I can even call mine.
I am not really afraid if I would die anytime soon, coz there’s nothing left of me anyway but at the same time, even though life gives me reasons not to want to live my life, I still want to live. I may not have anyone or anything to live for, or I guess I have but not even sure if I am even reciprocated or I guess I still have a reason to live, not anyone else but myself and prove them that I will do it and I can do it. Life is what I make it, no matter if I will be miserable or not, it’s my choice. It’s my life. It’s always up to me.
For now, I am drenched and listening to The Carpenters’ songs which makes the roller coaster of emotions worse and worth it.
Oh I wish I will get over this pain soon as the year is ending soon, too and hoping for a better year this 2016.