Life’s never easy, it never was but once in a lifetime, you meet someone who’s worth all these sacrifices, worth all these pains and those times that you need to hold on to life a little bit more and overcome the bumps, challenges and struggles along the way. Someone who will give light, someone who is your purpose, someone who will give life more meaning and more happiness. Someone who appreciates you and is proud of you, someone is willing to give time and attention without reservations; no ifs and buts, no maybes and we-shall-sees; someone who always stays and never leaves, someone who’s there with you all along. And most of all, someone you will love and will love you like you’ve never love and never been loved before. -MC
“It has been a while since I was here”, these are the lines I use to start the blog especially when I am about to pour and vent out my emotions. Yes, it’s true. It’s been a while and that is the line I know and I can easily open things up. I kept mum on most of the things I have dealt with, especially after what happened to us, to Nanay, to myself.. Moreover, I find it too cliché or too common to be updating and sharing you all with my heartaches, my detriments and my downsides.
Today is not like the ordinary days, or the usual day. Like most days, it’s one of the most down moments and my heart feels so sore. I don’t really know why.. or maybe I have ideas why just not to sure what to be exact.
I felt too excited and happy to start with, looking forward to something I could’ve made myself get busy with yet just like other days, this day is one of those many disappointing, frustrating and lonely days. I want to cry so bad yet I don’t know how to start it with. I want to scream. I want to go somewhere, take a walk like I used to do when my heart feels sore but I can’t. I want to venture out and be productive but I can’t. Not even walk some place which made me so bummed out. I feel like spiraling, I don’t know where to go, what to do and what I am feeling exactly. I want to vomit but I am too tired to do so, I want to break down but I couldn’t do it. It’s so hard to breathe, my lungs are too short of air kind of feeling that every time I try to inhale air, my heart felt like it’s been strangled, crushed too many times.
Oh God. What is happening with me? With my life?!
Where is this heading? I mean it’s been a while since I’ve been stuck and I want to get out of this hellhole I am in. I know I sound so negative or like I am really in a worse place but it does feel like that now. And before you judge me with my words, I am aware each of us have our different stories and experiences, I know there are people that are experiencing a lot worse than I am at the moment. I just want to have my life back. I just wanna be happy, I just wanna be loved, have someone in my life I can sure confide with. I want to do what I love to do but every time I do, something seems to block me and stops me from getting there. What have I done wrong? Where did I go wrong? What on earth have I done in the past life to have all these!? I made a choice, I know I did and I only wanted what was best, not just for me but for these people I chose to live my life with.. but it also seemed to me that it’s not working that way. I a feeling too low yet no one asked me how I am or what I am feeling. No one really knows I am feeling this way. I know, I sound so desperate… pathetic and someone that is in dire need of attention. I know, right? But who cares? No one does. Well as far as I know, no one does.
I don’t know for how long I needed to wait, God. I have followed these path You wanted me to cross and walk on, I did what You wanted me to do, I gave up a lot of things. Some say following Your path and living Your ways gives you sweetest things, I know it’s never that easy but for now, I know it’s not that easy. It is never easy. I am not feeling it. Not that I don’t acknowledge You, but it’s just too hard. I will still be patient, I will try and do my best to be that person You know I am however, pardon me and forgive me for not feeling “it” for now. I just couldn’t see and feel the “sense” of it all, perhaps I still have to wait. I am not desperate, it’s just that I am weary, I am anxious and I am too scared. I feel too alone, you know? I was so happy and grateful the past days that I have with me these kind and beautiful people yet some of them are leaving, drifting away; some are too afraid to stay, some even pushes me away. It’s heartbreaking not being able to receive the same as what I am giving yet I know, and it always boils down to me expecting too much and giving too much.. but there’s no giving and loving too much. I don’t believe in loving or giving by halves.. I always give by whole that’s why I easily get hurt. Blimey!
I don’t really know what’s gonna happen in the next days.. too blurry to look at the road at the moment. I hope one day, things will be okay for reals.
To enjoy the rainbow, first enjoy the rain. – Paulo Coelho
This is a long overdue post and photo, actually this was taken from a month ago, when we were on our way to the cemetery last November 1st to celebrate All Saints’ and Souls’ Day.
I so thought this rainbow was for us, or I assumed it was for us. It’s been a month and things have been worse for us in between those dates however I have been grateful for those times for it taught me heaps. On how to remain humble and keep the faith despite and in spite of. We are still going through a lot even these days and I am looking forward to better days. It’s not that I am not enjoying or I want to skip the whole process of things but this year’s been tough and I just hope it gets better for real.
I hope one day we will get through these days where we have to beg and ask, where we have to make promises when to pay the next bills or rents coz I am really so not used to it. I feel like I have no more face to show for real.. It’s never my thing to ask too much and beg for the most part… Ugh. Oh my lawd! Sometimes God teaches us something in weird ways and situations that feels like a big joke but I know this is also something to remind me about life.
I have questioned God too many times, it’s kinda frustrating for I never got the answer yet.. well to most of it. Maybe I really don’t need a rainbow to tell me things will be better coz one day, someday it will be okay. These days I still feel so lost, feeling nuts and don’t know how to deal with things yet I am still faithful and I keep humility despite the times when so want to burst and flare up to the point where I want to just throw things and hurt myself physically kind of flaring up. Like scream my heart out what the heck is wrong or what have I done wrong to ever deserve this but I know and I feel all of this struggles will become the most beautiful things that happened to us… I know it isn’t just us who are in pain but there are a lot of people in atrocities, from all over the world. Who could be in their worst and things and experiences unimaginable, I hope there’s still enough love and faith in all of us to continue to spread love and give kindness to others who are in need and treat people better and with more understanding coz we don’t know what battles they are fighting, too.
I am tryin’ and doing my best to really enjoy the rain.. or storm for the most part even if most times I feel like life is fvcked up and rain shouldn’t be like this. I maybe all soaked up in pain, frustrations, stress, depression and more pains, it’s not gonna rain forever anyway. My rainbow is gonna come soon. Hopefully.
When I felt my feet slipping, You came with Your love and kept me steady. – Psalm 94:18
My heart is heavy, my head throbbing with pain and I just wanna burst. I woke up with a heavy heart, well most days I do and it’s been months now. Oh how I wish this will end soon.
When you can’t swim or you’re tired of swimming, lay your back and float; they say, and when you’re ready keep swimming, they say. Sometimes I just want to collapse and just lay down there and do nothing. I know I am sick or I am feeling something’s wrong with my system, I so wanna give in but I can’t coz things aren’t okay yet and that no one’s gonna help my cousin take care of things and take care of Nanay.
Ah! Such is life!
God and His ingenious and weird ways! I really don’t know how much challenges and struggles I can withstand anymore, I have been through a lot, just like others but these days I’ve felt like I just wanna drown and just submerge myself in the water and stop breathing. Or I wanna go somewhere and get caught on something I might slip and fall down or whatsoever. But I am better than that… It’s always easier said than done.
I have never loved this kind of situation, I have never asked for this and yes, I have no choice. A friend of mine reminded me that… or I needed this time for him to tell me that, I missed him, it’s been a while since I have heard his voice but I can hear him saying whenever he tells me that I can do this, that I need to keep going not for others but for myself and he said to find my Chi.. I guess I really need not to find my Chi, I know where it is, it’s never just somewhere.. he is one of my Chi, among others things and people. Some days are harder than other days and this day is one of the hardest but still grateful.
There are also friends who reminds me to stay strong and I am always grateful, I can only thank them and I still need to be strong however.
I am so looking forward for this to end yet at the back of my head, it’s saying something like “be still, be steady and enjoy the journey, this is just temporary.” Or maybe it’s not just something from my subconscious but God telling me that things will be okay. God is looking after us still, with friends and family that surrounds us. Grateful for the people He sent us with, for those who’s still here with us in thoughts and in spirit.
I wish there’s an easy way to explain pain in not so painful way. -MC
I am too lost for words still. I have too much emotions I’ve been keeping to myself these days/ weeks/ months. Too much pain, exhaustion, disappointments, sorrows, hopelessness, anxiety; emotionally, physically, mentally and psychologically.. not forgetting financially struggling among other things. I am still keeping my head bowed down, still trying to figure out what God is up to these days.
If there’s an easy way to explain, that’s what I will do. It’s been a while since I posted something on here about what’s going on with us lately. We are having a hard time since, even before we got home from the hospital. It’s been almost two months since Nanay got the stroke but time seems too slow for us… It still felt like it was yesterday, not from weeks ago or a month ago. Nanay’s improvement is too slow, too. It was great at the start, like a few days after she got home from the hospital, she was frail yet you know she’s still fighting and yearning to get well but the past weeks and these days, it’s different.
As the days passed it is also excruciating to watch her memory deteriorates. I do not have a single clue what is happening with Nanay; whether if what we are going through is temporary; whether Nanay’s gonna be okay, or will she remain like this forever. We have been to the doctor yet it’s not clear as to what she’s really going through. She explained to us about her EEG, the stroke, some of the downsides of strokes but the memory and stuff, I have no idea really.
My cousin and I decided to stop giving Nanay her sleeping medication since I have a gut feeling there’s something to be in it that affects Nanay’s improvements. We had her take it from those days we had a hard time sleeping since she couldn’t sleep and she keeps on calling us and tell us random stories of the past and situations and experiences we never know. So far, since we stopped giving her, she had more improvements but there are also downsides, too. It even gets frustrating and if there’s worse term than that of excruciating, that’s it.
We also thought she’s going through dementia, which also makes sense these days but I don’t know how to deal with this anymore. Staying strong and pretending to be strong, and doing what I need to do; I am so exhausted. Someone said I need a vacation or I need a break; I said I don’t need one. I need money to pay the debts off and I need a miracle for Nanay to back to normal, or at least her memory to be back and not like this.
I am not sure how much more strength I have and how longer I can hang on and hold on to this hope. I still have hope and faith yet some days it seemed that it’s never enough to even carry on. I used to cry it all out and after which, I will feel better and gives me comfort for some time. But these days, crying never helps. If only it’s like in the movies when someone in the family gets sick, one just cries and sheds tears and as tears fall down on the patient’s skin, it heals them just like that. You know? I wish there’s an easy way to this but unfortunately there’s only one way. I wish somehow I am still in a dream, trapped and still asleep dealing all of this, that one day I will wake up and things are still normal. I wish.
I am thankful for there may not be a lot of people who understands nor care, I am still blessed to be able to have people around me I call family. I am still grateful that I am still alive and that I am still able to take care of Nanay despite and in spite of. It’s never so easy to deal with the situation we are in; most days it’s like going to the battlefield. The ones we see in movies or we read in history is better coz you’ll know who you’re fighting against, you can have a battle plan, you know what swords and armories to use and you can always anticipate on how to fight and how to deal with the counterpart. But this fight I am , it’s always unpredictable, you don’t know how to fight, you don’t even know what this fight is for. I just know that I am hoping nanay will be okay, that things will eventually be okay and get this over and done with. I hope God will understand me, too as to why I get to question Him at times, I am only human. This life isn’t a bed of roses, this life also has crosses. That someday, somehow this will make sense. I know God’s plan and ways are better than mine, so I will still fight no matter what.