Thank God for Kiddos

Only a child sees things with perfect clarity, because it hasn’t developed all those filters which prevent us from seeing things that we don’t expect to see.

– Douglas Adams

Here are some photos of my niece and I yesterday which I was supposed to upload but got too tired or maybe not too tired, I took a break and had a nap and I was super energized in the evening that I ended up putting up the glow-in-the-dark toys I bought from last 2007 and set up a hanging rack in my room which is a cheapskate I got for us the other day.

This lil one is growing too fast, she’s a year and 8mons yet acts like three or four years old. Funny how she composes herself when you say “picture picture” and flashes her smile and do the same thing you do. She can do wacky poses, too! She’s a lil sponge that one! I am thankful for these kind of moments with her. The joy and the energies children gives us. I always love the energy, she makes me appreciate the little things and she taught me a lot of things and see things in different perspective; may it be when she’s in a good mood, having tantrums and even when she’s unwell. I thank God for kids and their parents, too. 🙂

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Shine Like the Moon

And you were just like the moon, so lonely, so full of imperfections, but just like the moon, you shined in times of darkness. – Unknown

It’s Tuesday. That’s it, seemed so normal, even frustrating and I am sick. I am going down with something, I know something is wrong with me. My body is so sore, everything is so sore. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I feel like riding a roller coaster today, from feeling okay to feeling so low and feeling grumpy to feeling numb. I was planning on doing laundry last Monday but I had to do other stuff so I pushed it through today and never felt so exhausted than the past days. I felt dragging myself yet again, I wanted to stay home but I have to go out and do something. I was even upset having an encounter with someone online. People can laugh at me, say things at me and even appreciate them laughing at me like nothing happened and like I don’t feel anything but the truth is, I am hurting.

How can people judge you based on what they see, they read and the things you post somewhere without even knowing you firsthand? There are just mean people everywhere. It’s so sad… Oh when will this depression ever end?

Anyways, I did went out to get a few more things for Nanay again today and it was late afternoon. I window shopped for a little while got carried away so it was already dark outside when I finally decided to head home. I felt hungry so I thought of grabbing a few to munch at the park and saw the moon. There’s nothing exciting about this post really, I just thought of sharing the photos of the full moon and while I was at the park and while I was on my way home, too. Thanks to VSCO app for their presets and made the photos more “okay” I guess.

I am still feeling down, feeling so lonely. The full moon has nothing to do with my personal feelings, instead it’s up there to remind me that even in the darkest times, one can still shine. That no matter how much and how many people will judge me, it doesn’t matter. I will shine like the moon, shine even in the darkest of times. 🙂

Rainbow and Sunshine

 

Processed with VSCO with a6 preset
Processed with VSCO with a6 preset
Processed with VSCO with a6 preset
Processed with VSCO with a6 preset

I woke up late today from sleeping so late last night, getting carried away by the last blog post. I am not expecting anything special today, though I know I will be doing some things and will run a few errands I haven’t done last weekend. I walked out of the house not knowing what to expect until I saw the skies without the haze, sun is shining beautifully, blue skies with gigantic nimbus clouds, so fluffy; so comforting and then I saw some yummy looking clouds like cotton candies and a rainbow! It was like a dessert!

Oh how great is our God! It made me chuckle of how ingenious His ways are. I feel at ease, I feel hopeful and I feel great, I know and I have a feeling things will get better soon. Seeing the rainbow reminded me of the song Rainbow by South Border and the rest of the day I’ve been singing the line: “There’s a rainbow always after the rain..”

I don’t know how things will turn out but I have faith, that no matter how big the storm is, it will come to pass. Storms don’t last that long, so as troubles. Rainbows and sunshine is a reminder from God that troubles, heartaches, pains and sorrows will surely come to pass, hold strong in your faith and rainbows will bring fresh beginnings and prosperity. Hopefully. I don’t know how but I know it will. Even if technically and literally rainbow is caused by the reflection and dispersion of  light in water/water droplets in the clouds or in the sky as I recall from the television show I watched during elementary days. Haha

I am not really sure if there’s such thing as pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, I am not even after the pot of gold if that is true. Money or material things are not what I am after, although I have mentioned in the past post that we are indeed in need of help financially only because of the expenses from hospitalization and Nanay’s medicines.

Aside from the rainbows and sunshine, my day was uneventful.. interestingly though, I watched a movie with cousin tonight which is called “The Book of Life” with seemingly interesting story line. It’s not the typical animation movie that’d attract me firsthand. It’s mostly about Mexican’s/Latino’s tradition which is similar to ours, too. It’s the Day of the Dead which we also celebrate here in the Philippines(originally from Spain’s).  It’s telling a story and sharing a cultural background in a different perspective, odd animation, funny puns and great story about life, family, tradition and culture, love, acceptance, kindness, being selfless, being who you are and writing your own story, and death. I enjoyed the whole movie and reminded me of a lot of things that are connected to my situation right now and the soundtracks of the movie’s so cool, too. I have been repeating the song “No Matter Where You Are” by Us the Duo. It’s the love song of the lead roles Manolo and Maria yet it’s also something that God wants me to know:

I won’t let you fall
I won’t let you go
No matter where you are
No matter where you are, I’ll be there.

Thank you, God. 🙂

 

Our Journey Through the Light

you have to pass through a dark night of the soul.

It’s hard to put everything into words, all at once. How to sum it all up; express everything I wanted to express from one event to another that unfolded during this journey. The rain loved pouring in on us most times, and it’s not just the regular pour but it was a heavy downpour, with cats and dogs kinda rain.

It was October 5th, 2015, we were unaware, it was unseen. I know eventually we will send Nanay to the hospital as she’s getting frail every day that passes by but just like a thief of the night, it was too quick, too dark to even know it was coming. Stroke was something we never even expected would come and get Nanay from us; and having said that, I am really hoping Nanay will come back to us and be like she was before. Maybe there’s changes but for the best.

There are too many lessons I have learned from this experiences, that no matter how independent you are, no matter how invincible, no matter who, what your status is, no matter how frugal your life is, what you do and how much money you have– you can’t say no to stroke. Death is always expected, I mean eventually we know we’re all gonna wither and die but stroke– it’s a different thing. It can happen to the rest of us, even the most healthy ones. It’s even the least expected, too somehow just like death, you don’t know when it comes and you’ll never be prepared for it.

I have been wanting to post something for so long, but I find it hard not knowing when or how Nanay will ever recover from it. I decided I had to wait until we hear from the doctor. Last 23rd was Nanay’s check up after we got home from the hospital last 13th. We all have sleepless nights, most nights of the week that is. Clueless as to how things are after the EEG and this whole ordeal we are having is just too dreadful. I am hopeless yet hoping at the same time; I am anxious yet I have faith. I know God have plans. I know He surely is up to something. Not just for me but for the rest of the family. I am really sore–physically, mentally, emotionally and everything. I just don’t feel foolish but I also feel stupid. I feel like I am draining and getting numb. Nanay, mentally is like a light with an on and off switch. The first week was excruciating, more excruciating compared to when Nanay was in the ICU. The real challenge isn’t when Nanay was in the hospital rather the life after the hospital days. I always thought we’d be okay after we are home, you know? You have the comfort of home with you, comfy beds, lovely home cooked meals and warm and cozy ambiance of it but it was more painful, and frustrating so it seems. Looking at Nanay’s situation makes my heart break– every effin’ time. If every heart break means death, then I’ve been dead a lot of times for sure. Nanay couldn’t converse, she can’t eat by herself, she can talk but only a few words and if there’s something she wants to express, she’d no longer say a word coz she wouldn’t remember a thing anymore. She sleeps mostly at daytime and at night she’s wide awake.. then she’d talk and call us by name, and ask random questions but unfortunately they were things and situations that happened from the past. It was from her long term memory and some were from the past that are mostly unresolved and unforgotten. Most of it were painful and hateful past. She even thought we’re still in the hospital. I don’t know whether to thank God that she doesn’t have paralysis and she still got a big chance of faster recovery or question Him as to what He’s really up to. I know I should be grateful but those excruciating week, I wasn’t ungrateful but exhausted and missing Nanay for the most part. It was too hard for me to accept seeing Nanay like that. I missed her so much, I wished this is just a bad dream but it’s not. I wished it never happened and that life was different back then.

I remembered crying myself to sleep, crying so hard begging God to heal Nanay and to give me more strength to carry this cross I am having. What is even more frustrating is I have no one to talk to. I mean I have my cousin, but it’s still different and it’s not that easy, too coz I know she’s also have her own battles from the situation we are in. Those times I wanted to reach out to friends but I couldn’t find one.. those person you always wanted to talk to isn’t even there, too out of reach. I know God is doing His thing but I wasn’t expecting He’d use Nanay. I don’t know His plans but I know we will get over this, one day and this is no accident. We are experiencing this to strengthen us more, open ourselves more and learn that we are not alone. Personally, I was never fond of asking for help… even beg for it. I am glad I am able to express and talk to our cousin, which is Nanay’s daughter, our other cousins and Nanay’s closest cousin about our situation of which I cannot share before. It’s painful though, that during these times, there were people I have to leave behind and I have to burn bridges yet again. It hurts to know that the people you thought would be there for you during the hard times are not there, and the people you least expected to help usually do. Illness always separates the real from the FAKE and those people who are only there for you when they need something. Most of the fakes or most of the people I am referring are Nanay’s friends and supposedly “family.” It hurts to know, too that there are also people who said would help but didn’t and gave us false hopes. Too sad that until up to this day, those help never came. I will never ever forget those people, those that helped and those that didn’t. Oh well.. I might sound bitter, I am trying not to be but you can’t blame me. No, don’t blame me. I am really trying to balance my emotions and my thoughts and be rational about things but you also can’t avoid not being emotional and bitter towards things and people from the pain and from all of these.

Like the lines of the song from the movie “Into The Woods” say, “Some people leave you halfway through the woods. Don’t let it grieve you, no one leaves for good.” I agree in a way but would also add that some leave for good, not because they want to but because they are not meant to stay longer. People come and go, some for seasons, some for reasons; some or maybe a few, for a lifetime. That’s one of the harsh truth that I need to accept or I have a hard time accepting most of the time. I am, however grieving because this people meant a lot to me nevertheless I wish them the best.

Nanay’s improving so far, the doctor gave her new set of medicine and something to help her sleep at night, and it’s better. I know and I can feel, also understands that Nanay is also at the stage where she’s having a hard time accepting her situation, too. She is someone so independent, she never takes orders and she does her own thing, she’s superior and she’s the authority but she feels inferior and helpless coz of the illness. She’s hurting deep down, too for sure. Even if she wouldn’t tell us everything, I know she’s in pain. I am praying that she’ll be able to accept it so she’ll recover faster. Good thing, she can now get up from the bed more often than before and she can walk a few steps without assistance, she can also pick up the spoon and feed herself a few spoon full of food and takes her medicine without complain. What makes me worried these days or one of the things I am really worried about is how we will be able to survive financially for the most part. I have been stretching everything that we have no matter how little it is. I haven’t really expressed that a lot, I know I told a few friends that but not as loud as this right now. I am trying my best to keep my head bowed down to God and chin up to really get through this. It’s hard to be strong and keep faith and have hope but I am trying my best to be. I know God gave me this knowing I can get through this, I will get through this. We all will. Nanay will come back to us, Nanay will recover from this. That God is waiting on the other side, the past days were days in the abyss and now we are heading to the light. Things will fall into places eventually. Hopefully soon, as I also don’t know what to do, where to go and how we will be able to survive financially at the moment. I know we will, hopefully.

Cutting the Chase

cut the chase

No more chasing for me, if you want me to stay in your life, you will find a way. I have always wanted to stay but you never gave me enough reason to be in your life. I am willing to fight and I will fight for you but you never had enough courage nor will to fight for me. Relationship is a two way street; it’s give and take, never one way; it’s teamwork, not plainly receiving nor waiting for the other person to make a move. I hope one day, you’ll find the person who will do the same.

Hidden Away

I am keeping my heart in a box; all locked up, hidden away. – SC

I have been wanting to write down all my the thoughts I so wanted to express but every time I try to, I always end up writing two lines and worse– nothing. I felt so lost for words these days, too overwhelmed with the situation we are in, the family is in for the most part. From Nanay’s stroke, seeing her dealing with it, with my own eyes. Going through all of these taught me a lot of things, like a lot. I have had a lot of realizations, I mean I had more way back when but this situation in particular is just heartbreaking, and at the same time an eyeopener not just for me, but for the whole family. It also showed who stood on our side, particularly on my side. From family and friends, for those who have helped and said who will help but never did, and for those who left.

I really don’t know how to put these thoughts into words, I have too many of it and I do not know which one comes first and which one next and then the last. All I know is just I came to the decision of hiding away my heart once again for so many reasons. Not long ago I mentioned or I am not sure if I mentioned about the new relationship and ending up deleting the post because it turned out as failure. I am getting tired of taking risks, of believing there’s someone for me at this point in time. You get to meet someone and invested time and effort, you felt a connection, both of you. You felt it was “real” or thought it was somehow but ends up getting your heart broken, efforts not reciprocated; or the other person is not as enthusiastic as you are the time you gave have been wasted and everything ends up into oblivion.

My heart is too tired… It’s as tired as my feet walking like crazy the past weeks. It’s not that I don’t believe in love anymore, more likely I don’t believe if there’s someone meant for me out there and I am so done giving myself chances, hope and expectations that ends up into disappointment, heartaches and getting hurt from rejection and being left behind, and sometimes hanging on to something that never even existed. I have always been the person who takes risks, someone adamant, someone who always have faith, even if that faith is as little as the size of the mustard seed; is willing to fight and to stay in someone’s life yet I always end up being left behind, or giving it up because I don’t find anymore reasons to stay. I am not the one who gets away but often being cheated on and being left behind and often wonders why this keeps on happening to me, as if there’s something wrong with me. That’s why I came to conclusion that I will just keep my heart hidden away for now. It’s not that I just want someone to give me the validation and love that I need to function, it’s never just my goal or my reason why I live and why I exist but after all that’s happened and based on the experiences in the past, I have to do this. I am taking a break and going to put myself first before my heart… It’s not that I am gonna stop loving and showing people I care rather I am letting my heart get some rest and maybe stay in that box forever, I do not know. Time will tell, love only knows. I am done fighting and giving chances for now, I need to refrain myself from doing a lot of believing in lies, false hopes and promises; time to give myself some rest and focus on repairing and establish something for the long term. 🙂

Higher.

I don’t feel like talking these days.. I am usually by myself crying my heart out. It’s like my eyes having it’s regular cleansing kind of thing.

I couldn’t find the right words for what I am feeling and what I am going through at the moment so I will just post a song from the musical Allegiance which is entitled Higher performed by Lea Salonga.

This pretty much sums up what I am thinking and wanting to do with my life right now.

Hope y’all have a great weekend!

Crying with Tears and Thoughts.

Some cry with tears, others with thoughts. I cry with both. – SC

It’s Nanay’s fourth day in the hospital today and been literally begging and asking for help for the situation we are in at the moment but I am doing this not for myself but for Nanay. For those who knew me well, I am the kind of person who doesn’t like to beg — literally, emotionally and metaphorically. My mindset is, when I can still do it myself, I will do it as much as I can, I will only ask for help when I can’t do it any longer but beg– no. I can’t remember begging this much… it just pains me though. People giving me false hopes when I am in dire need of help really. I mean for those who knew where we are right now, we literally need help but it’s just too sad that others couldn’t see it that way. It’s a bummer and more, it is disappointing but I have to accept it because not everyone thinks and feels like me. It’s just sad and disappointing, to be asking for help and some say they will but in the long run, you are waiting for nothing. I just hope people learn not to make promises and say things they can’t keep especially to those who are in dire need of help. Expectations hurt, yes I know that. But I wouldn’t be expecting if one didn’t say one will help. I understand that there are circumstances and stuff but for you who have no intentions and do not want to help, why not tell and be forward? You can just say you can’t or you won’t be able to help, period. Stop giving false hopes. You are blessed you are in a different situation and not in the situation where others are in, especially difficult times and challenging situations. Oh well.. I am just not in a very great mood and I am literally down. My system’s down, I woke up dragging myself out of bed — like literally. I have a flu, my body is too sore and I can literally feel my nodes and throat are sore, I’ve got snotty snots, a lil cough every now and then. I don’t know how I’d be able to survive the coming days. And the moment I’ve been waiting to just burst is happening. So at the moment, I am both crying with tears and crying with thoughts.

I am overwhelmed.. too overwhelmed. As much as I wanted to turn to someone, I didn’t want to bother but actually I have no one to turn to. When someone say they are with me in thoughts and heart, it felt empty. Coz they never made me feel like I am.. it just breaks my heart, these poor choices of mine.. or maybe it’s not just me hey? I should start taking off this reserved sign for people who never really intend to stay or put an effort to be a part of me–my life, my being.

Maybe this situation is God’s way of reminding me to stay still. I have never turned my back on Him, I know this will make sense one day. I have never been so optimistic like these days but today, it’s just I need to unload these burdens by myself. As. Always. I guess it’s better this way, you know?

This may be a tough and slippery road at the moment but I know this won’t be for long.. hopefully.

When Being Strong is the Only Option..

So the past Sunday, I blogged about feeling not so nice and then the next day, we rushed Nanay to the hospital coz she had a bad stroke.. like so bad you just wish it didn’t happen and for what happened, you wondered where all those strength came from; how we were able to bring Nanay to the hospital in time– before things get worse and stuff.. I wished it was just a bad dream really. It was excruciating and I cannot fathom what I felt or what we have been through the past days. Seeing Nanay restless, with restraints and in the ICU and with just a thousand pesos literally in hand. Financially, emotionally, physically and mentally challenged at the moment.

I don’t feel like writing but I am just not feeling so myself right now, I feel so down and so want to break down and cry my heart out, I feel exhausted but I have to be strong, pretend to be strong for us, for the family. I humbly ask for your prayers for Nanay’s recovery. We’re still fighting the battle and hopefully we’ll get through this storm in time. I have faith, bigger than a mustard seed; greater than my worries and fears.