you have to pass through a dark night of the soul.
It’s hard to put everything into words, all at once. How to sum it all up; express everything I wanted to express from one event to another that unfolded during this journey. The rain loved pouring in on us most times, and it’s not just the regular pour but it was a heavy downpour, with cats and dogs kinda rain.
It was October 5th, 2015, we were unaware, it was unseen. I know eventually we will send Nanay to the hospital as she’s getting frail every day that passes by but just like a thief of the night, it was too quick, too dark to even know it was coming. Stroke was something we never even expected would come and get Nanay from us; and having said that, I am really hoping Nanay will come back to us and be like she was before. Maybe there’s changes but for the best.
There are too many lessons I have learned from this experiences, that no matter how independent you are, no matter how invincible, no matter who, what your status is, no matter how frugal your life is, what you do and how much money you have– you can’t say no to stroke. Death is always expected, I mean eventually we know we’re all gonna wither and die but stroke– it’s a different thing. It can happen to the rest of us, even the most healthy ones. It’s even the least expected, too somehow just like death, you don’t know when it comes and you’ll never be prepared for it.
I have been wanting to post something for so long, but I find it hard not knowing when or how Nanay will ever recover from it. I decided I had to wait until we hear from the doctor. Last 23rd was Nanay’s check up after we got home from the hospital last 13th. We all have sleepless nights, most nights of the week that is. Clueless as to how things are after the EEG and this whole ordeal we are having is just too dreadful. I am hopeless yet hoping at the same time; I am anxious yet I have faith. I know God have plans. I know He surely is up to something. Not just for me but for the rest of the family. I am really sore–physically, mentally, emotionally and everything. I just don’t feel foolish but I also feel stupid. I feel like I am draining and getting numb. Nanay, mentally is like a light with an on and off switch. The first week was excruciating, more excruciating compared to when Nanay was in the ICU. The real challenge isn’t when Nanay was in the hospital rather the life after the hospital days. I always thought we’d be okay after we are home, you know? You have the comfort of home with you, comfy beds, lovely home cooked meals and warm and cozy ambiance of it but it was more painful, and frustrating so it seems. Looking at Nanay’s situation makes my heart break– every effin’ time. If every heart break means death, then I’ve been dead a lot of times for sure. Nanay couldn’t converse, she can’t eat by herself, she can talk but only a few words and if there’s something she wants to express, she’d no longer say a word coz she wouldn’t remember a thing anymore. She sleeps mostly at daytime and at night she’s wide awake.. then she’d talk and call us by name, and ask random questions but unfortunately they were things and situations that happened from the past. It was from her long term memory and some were from the past that are mostly unresolved and unforgotten. Most of it were painful and hateful past. She even thought we’re still in the hospital. I don’t know whether to thank God that she doesn’t have paralysis and she still got a big chance of faster recovery or question Him as to what He’s really up to. I know I should be grateful but those excruciating week, I wasn’t ungrateful but exhausted and missing Nanay for the most part. It was too hard for me to accept seeing Nanay like that. I missed her so much, I wished this is just a bad dream but it’s not. I wished it never happened and that life was different back then.
I remembered crying myself to sleep, crying so hard begging God to heal Nanay and to give me more strength to carry this cross I am having. What is even more frustrating is I have no one to talk to. I mean I have my cousin, but it’s still different and it’s not that easy, too coz I know she’s also have her own battles from the situation we are in. Those times I wanted to reach out to friends but I couldn’t find one.. those person you always wanted to talk to isn’t even there, too out of reach. I know God is doing His thing but I wasn’t expecting He’d use Nanay. I don’t know His plans but I know we will get over this, one day and this is no accident. We are experiencing this to strengthen us more, open ourselves more and learn that we are not alone. Personally, I was never fond of asking for help… even beg for it. I am glad I am able to express and talk to our cousin, which is Nanay’s daughter, our other cousins and Nanay’s closest cousin about our situation of which I cannot share before. It’s painful though, that during these times, there were people I have to leave behind and I have to burn bridges yet again. It hurts to know that the people you thought would be there for you during the hard times are not there, and the people you least expected to help usually do. Illness always separates the real from the FAKE and those people who are only there for you when they need something. Most of the fakes or most of the people I am referring are Nanay’s friends and supposedly “family.” It hurts to know, too that there are also people who said would help but didn’t and gave us false hopes. Too sad that until up to this day, those help never came. I will never ever forget those people, those that helped and those that didn’t. Oh well.. I might sound bitter, I am trying not to be but you can’t blame me. No, don’t blame me. I am really trying to balance my emotions and my thoughts and be rational about things but you also can’t avoid not being emotional and bitter towards things and people from the pain and from all of these.
Like the lines of the song from the movie “Into The Woods” say, “Some people leave you halfway through the woods. Don’t let it grieve you, no one leaves for good.” I agree in a way but would also add that some leave for good, not because they want to but because they are not meant to stay longer. People come and go, some for seasons, some for reasons; some or maybe a few, for a lifetime. That’s one of the harsh truth that I need to accept or I have a hard time accepting most of the time. I am, however grieving because this people meant a lot to me nevertheless I wish them the best.
Nanay’s improving so far, the doctor gave her new set of medicine and something to help her sleep at night, and it’s better. I know and I can feel, also understands that Nanay is also at the stage where she’s having a hard time accepting her situation, too. She is someone so independent, she never takes orders and she does her own thing, she’s superior and she’s the authority but she feels inferior and helpless coz of the illness. She’s hurting deep down, too for sure. Even if she wouldn’t tell us everything, I know she’s in pain. I am praying that she’ll be able to accept it so she’ll recover faster. Good thing, she can now get up from the bed more often than before and she can walk a few steps without assistance, she can also pick up the spoon and feed herself a few spoon full of food and takes her medicine without complain. What makes me worried these days or one of the things I am really worried about is how we will be able to survive financially for the most part. I have been stretching everything that we have no matter how little it is. I haven’t really expressed that a lot, I know I told a few friends that but not as loud as this right now. I am trying my best to keep my head bowed down to God and chin up to really get through this. It’s hard to be strong and keep faith and have hope but I am trying my best to be. I know God gave me this knowing I can get through this, I will get through this. We all will. Nanay will come back to us, Nanay will recover from this. That God is waiting on the other side, the past days were days in the abyss and now we are heading to the light. Things will fall into places eventually. Hopefully soon, as I also don’t know what to do, where to go and how we will be able to survive financially at the moment. I know we will, hopefully.
pray. love. live. laugh. 