Crazy For You Cover

I was kinda inspired and I missed singing so I thought of recording one song of Madonna’s Crazy For You.

Please don’t judge! hahaha

Dear Future Me.

 

Dear future me,

How are you today? Hope things are well with you. I am not sure which path you chose by the time you are reading this, maybe you’re married and you have a kid just like what you hoped for or maybe you’re still single and waiting for that person meant for you; or a successful owner of the business you always wanted to have with your other half or maybe with family or whoever you are with; or maybe you’re an event planner specializing in weddings(coz I know you also dreamt of working with weddings) or whatever you are doing right now, I hope things are great and most of all you are happy.

I just want to thank you for making it this far, it’s been a long journey being where you are right now, I am sure it’s been tough hey? I hope you have been the best version of yourself every single day and whatever path you chose today and who you are today, you are happy and living life to the fullest still, like you always did.

The time I am writing you this, is a very emotional day for me. I do not know why but maybe I am too overwhelmed with what is happening right now, with the family, with the thoughts and things I might have in the future; whether I’d be able to meet the person meant for me and is the man I am talking to right now and shared those feelings with will still be there in my sojourn. You know, all these things and questions I get to ask every single day. I am actually a little scared and confused especially when it comes to matters of the heart. It always seemed that the person I chose to commit myself to ends up rejecting me or ends up cheating and leaving me for someone else or ends up giving me up coz he can’t take the distance. Others that I thought I have connection with ends up leaving without even saying goodbye. There are times that the person who likes to stay are the person I don’t feel like spending lifetime with, you know? It may be too early to know what the future’s in store for me but I hope you are happy right now really. I hope he finds you and gives you the love you deserve.

It’s been three years since that tough year I’ve been through, 2014 ended tough and 2015 started tough for the most part but it’s been great, too. I’ve had a lot of firsts, and it was really eventful. It started with a gig at weddings, had a job for sometime with a photographer and worked with him in a few wedding gigs, too. Met nice photographers, I got to work with the whole work flow of weddings and everything about weddings which I never experienced back in the day. That was awesome! I got sick a lot of times as well but it’s all worth it. I was even working with a blog and learned more about web developing. February came and it was tougher coz Nanay had pneumonia. Sleepless nights and man, I couldn’t imagine the whole family deal and got through all of that. March that was and moved to a new house, too! Yay! No more floods for us! We had to pay rent but it was worth it coz there’s no more flood to get through, no more walking in the water moments. Hahaha. I remember I joked about it.. Jesus walked “on” the water and I walked “in” the water.. well with my feet submerged in the water that is.

That happened too quickly, the day after Nanay was released from the hospital was the day we moved to the new house. I haven’t fully recovered from my sleepless nights back then and then we had to move and more sleepless nights for us. Dealing with all of those wasn’t that easy. I got too overwhelmed and felt I wasn’t ready that it made me depressed and it goes on for months. That was the longest I have been depressed and recovered from it. I never expected I’d write this much but I just had to let this flow, since moxie is here and I feel like writing.

Those times were kinda heartbreaking and I didn’t really know how I got over it, I dropped some weight, I didn’t feel like myself most of the time. But I wasn’t ungrateful, I am still blessed and I am still happy, friends were there to help even though there were some not so nice revelations at the time, too. Someone rejected me because he didn’t think he can deal with it, well he’s been tough times and he prolly didn’t want to deal with what I am dealing with at the time. I hate rejection so much, it’s one of my biggest fears but that didn’t stop me from doing what I do still. 🙂

I never blogged too much these days this year, I never really lost the moxie, I just drifted myself away from the things I used to do before, I was stuck with being depressed and not feeling the moment most days. April, May and June was better but still I wasn’t feeling all of it. It was still tough adjusting to what’s happening with us. Well Nanay seemed different after she got sick, and that, too was kinda hard to deal with. More patience, humility, understanding; those three are what I always ask God even these days whenever I pray. I feel like running short of it most times. I got sick a lot of times, maybe too much stress and depression was the cause of it. Cousin and I had our first ear pierced together, it wasn’t our first piercing, it was actually our first together, we had one ear pierced. Mine was on the right and hers was on the left. We had haircut, too. We got short bobcut and that was our first haircut this year after two years of having long hair. There came July, I gambled and took some risk that time. Thought it was for the best and processed a visa application to the US, full of hope and expectations I went to Manila first time alone. First time in Manila to travel alone like the whole time literally. I have been a few times but mostly it was with family but this time it was only me. It wasn’t a great trip for the most part. It was my first visa application that I got denied, too unfortunately. It felt like I was only dreaming but it was for real. Ugh. I went home fluttering, didn’t feel like talking about it and just heartbroken. I don’t know how many unfortunate events I will encounter and are going to happen, I am really hoping for great days. Though everything wasn’t really unfortunate, I know things happen for reasons, like not getting the visa coz God is protecting me from something not so nice. Those things, you know? I am still hopeful, despite and in spite of the things that happened. September.. it’s still going and almost ending. You’ve been through a lot, just like everyone else. You’ve been hurt, used, mislead, rejected and failed a lot of times but please when you think of all those unfortunate things that happened to you, think mostly of the times when you got up and got through all of it.

Oh, before I forget, this year was awesome coz I got to see some shows, like real life shows. People that mocked you and threw a lot of things in the past are choking on the shits they talked. It’s not that I am wishing ill-will but it is what it is. Some have talked to me and recollected with me, it’s really nice to know and it’s a lovely feeling to forgive and to know the twisted truth has been corrected by truth itself. Ah! God is great!

I hope to overcome these fears and anxiety I am having at the moment, these pressure from family and friends as to when I am going to find someone and have family. It’s never that easy. I feel like my clock is ticking so fast but I am not as desperate as others seem and what people see in the movies. I was disappointed things didn’t happen the way I want them and expected them to happen back then but things happen for reasons. I learned a lot from it and enjoyed the most of it. I know God is working on a lot of things, for me and the future. Many times it seemed like He wasn’t there and that He was being rude for not making things happen but actually He was only protecting me from pain. I never understood that some days. Easier said than done hey? Whatever He has in store, I know it’s for the best. I just gotta have and keep that same faith like I always did and I hope, you keep that until now. I don’t always give up that easily and I always fight for what I know is right and what I want and I hope you still do now. Things are kinda hard for us here at the moment but I know it has something to do to about the future. Always, like always appreciate the difficult people for they teach us a lot of things and I am sure you know that. Always keep these things that humbled you and that made you who you are today. I know at a point I was kinda questioning God and wished life was different and if it was I might be different person, too. Maybe spiteful, too difficult and not as understanding and loving as I am and I may have the family I used to know but life is different and miserable for sure. Don’t stop loving yourself girl, no one will ever be there for you but yourself and God. No one will ever love you more but yourself if others won’t. I hope you still keep those values and pass them on to your kids if ever you will have one or you are having one these days. Ah! I am looking forward to reading this in time.

Remember, don’t stop doing what you do, you be you, do you and always keep the faith. Always see the good in everything like you’ve always been. It’s okay to complain but don’t forget to be grateful and give thanks to Him. Cry if you should but don’t forget to wipe them yourself for no one will wipe them for you. If you found one then that’s good but make sure they are tears of joy, not tears of miseries and pain. Stay humble and patient, don’t stop writing and expressing yourself, hey? Keep the positivity and live with love.

Sinceriously,

Your twenty-nine year old self

Introspections.

I thought of checking my drafts of my old blog which is why I am here and why I came up to this. I have always thought of writing myself a letter, I saw some clips and videos of a professor who made his students wrote a letter for themselves when they get old and let them read after many years… that’d be interesting to give myself that, you know?

If you could write a letter to your past self, what would it be?

Are you going to be grateful enough for what you are at the moment?

Or you’re gonna be spiteful for missing a whole lot of things?

Will you be able to thank the people who walked with you? Or you’ll be full of regrets looking back?

How many smiles you ever gave to others way back when?

How many lives have you touched?

How many difference did you make?

How many people were happy because of your existence? Or did you ever thought of that? Nor ever made one person happy?

Did it ever came to you how many times you think you lived a life worthwhile? Or you just live it getting by?

How many times have you wasted?

How many chances and risks did you ever take?

We’re you brave enough or you got scaredy cat?

Regardless, I hope you still find to thank yourself for what you’ve been through. And I hope things have been better in today compared to what you had in the past. 🙂

What, How and When?

Decision is only wishful thinking until you take that first irreversible step.

But what about the next step? What’s the next move now!? I did the first irreversible step but didn’t succeed, so one big question that came to me are: which way will I go? How much more do I have to wait and what do I do? How many heartbreaks do I have to have and tomorrows do I have to wait to unfold to get to where I need to be? What’s the purpose of this all? Or the purpose of this certain situation? I was so close to getting there but I never got it. That was so damn close.

And I am so close to vomiting, I thought of unwinding since it’s not too busy kind of Saturday here today and had a glass of wine not long… I feel like getting myself drunk and cry myself to sleep or just pour my heart out/ vent all these unexpressed emotions bottled up inside.

I should feel happy but I feel more likely emotional and stressed maybe because of a lot of things that’s going on here with us at home I can’t even talk about it with anyone except for my cousin. I really wish things will get better and these challenges will be over soon. I feel like I got caught in a quicksand and too terrified to move, leaving myself stuck and it makes it so hard to get out of it. That’s how where my life is right now though I am not saying I don’t have a choice. In fact this is my choice, I stay in it coz I chose to be in it. I only assume or at least I think of these times as a phase or a time in my life I need to experience to teach me something. I just wish this ends soon.

I do hope that somehow things will unfold and I will eventually know why things happened and what I needed to learn.. I have expressed my thoughts on rejection and acceptance but it seems challenges will never stop chasing me. One challenge after the other, one day at a time. Ah! The joys of life and living life hey?

Musings: Rejection and Acceptance

Just when you thought you finally met someone, or got to where you thought you should be — reality bites you hard that it gives you some kind of pain you wish you could take or inject some kind of pain killers that you’d never want to feel pain again. It’s kinda harsh example that one but I am not just talking about those experiences to exaggerate and make pity out of myself but that’s just what it felt when I experienced it.

This has been the same routine for me over and over for some time now. Where I have my hopes up, sometimes just enough hope to get me motivated only to find out it’s not meant for me or it’s only a season and it’s not meant to stay for long. Oh how I wish things will change really. A few months ago I took the leap only to know eventually that it wasn’t worth it and that I’d find myself ending up rejected — literally and metaphorically.

I have been flooding/reposting some old posts today which I thought were worth keeping and read them again and realized it’s been a while since I really got caught on writing/ expressing myself. I lost my moxie.. or maybe not. My moxie is still here, it’s just I haven’t been as motivated as I was and there’s just a lot of things I needed to take care of back then. Reality just sank in after a few days.. I thought I’d be okay and that I was ready until then, I realized it still effing hurts. Being rejected effing hurts! F*ck! I thought I am over this or I am already familiar with the feeling but every effing time, it still hurts.

I am done with the denial phase yet trying to accept things one day at a time, that it happened and that I was rejected, that my expectations never happened coz there’s something better in store for me.. as if. Thinking about why God let this happen or why it didn’t worked out. Then I realized God doesn’t withhold things to punish you but to protect you. It’s either the wrong time or the wrong thing. Although I still don’t know when is the right time and the right thing going to happen, it’s kinda tiring somehow but still, no matter how much I say I am tired and I am closing the doors, I still leave a lil space for that door so it’s still a lil open. I will still have that hope and the faith no matter how little it may be, I know in my heart things will change and better things will come my way.

It just sucked thinking about how much true I have been to my words and how kind or how good I try to be; how much I fought for it; how much effort I put into it, I still end up heartbroken, sad and in pain. I may sound confusing or I may sound in doubt and I may not make sense, but one day, all of these effort, fighting and kindness will be rewarded. No matter how much tedious this journey may be, I will keep on fighting even if at times I don’t know what I am really fighting for and who this is for… God is looking after me.

I guess I just have to go through different seasons to learn and to prepare myself from what is meant for me. I am looking forward to those lovely days where joy is ten times better than pain. 🙂

Good night peepulz 🙂

At A Glance

For someone who doesn’t know me and encounter me somewhere, or anywhere, if I don’t speak or talk, people would really think I am a snob. Or I am someone bossy, someone intimidating. Others think I am someone so hard to reach out to and get along with. To some, I am really just plain, one of God’s ordinary piece. But to those who knew me, I am someone crazy.. though I am not sure how many will attest that but I am aware however of what I am capable of. Hahaha

At a glance I am what you think I am, you can assume all you want but that’s just the surface… scratch a little bit more and you’ll be in awe of how much I suck– really though. I am a girl who smiles, who laughs and who cries. I have my dull and crazy moments, sometimes I am on a high. I whine, I vent out, people will hear me complain just like everybody else. I am human, too just like you.

I have way too many drafts on here, some thoughts that I have wanted to blurt out yet I do not know how or when I will be able to express it. See, I am not better than anybody. I am perfectly imperfect, I have my flaws and shortcomings; I have my ways: good and not so good; I have my quirks– I have all the elements any human can have, well not in every details but some or most humans have.

Do not judge me and what my heart is made of just because of the things I do. I shared and expressed my rants, complaints, frustrations and whatnot because I am me– no one else but me.

These are petty complaints, some are major but that doesn’t mean I am not thankful of the life I have. I have made my choice many years ago and stood by it. It wasn’t the life I expected I’d end up with but I never regret where I am. This is the life that I chose for myself, and I take a stand on that choice. I stay grounded and I am always aware of that choice I made and I am making it happen every single day. I am like you, imperfect and I am also finding the balance every single day. I strive in becoming the better version of myself every single day, and just like you, there are days I find it easy to deal with things and there are also days that I cannot.

I exist not because I am here to compete with anyone but myself. I am never in a competition with anyone– ever. Black heart… I have such a black heart… that’s a few of the words that kept on repeating in my head now. In my head, I am in a civil war with myself and I also have a lot of questions. I feel like doing a silent monologue to myself every now and then.. that’s what you think.. I have a black heart, that’s what you believe and I won’t blame you. Are you blind? Or you’re just too numb? Or just too full of yourself?

I don’t know what your heart is made of and I am not gonna judge… I don’t hate you really and I do not wish you ill will nor bad karma for I know nature will always take it’s course no matter what. There’s always consequences for everything, no matter how big or small, no matter if it is good or bad.

I am not saying I am better than anyone else here, I am just like you, thriving to live and do what I needed to do. I am also finding the balance of things. Life isn’t always rainbows and unicorns, it isn’t always a bed of roses. Roses has thorns, unicorns have horns and they sure poop and have moments, too.

Having said that, it also doesn’t mean that I will always feel happy and feel great every single day. There are also days I am not too “comfortable” of life, so I  strive to be better, find ways on how to really better myself so I try and step out on that comfort zone and venture not just for myself but for the family. Others haven’t experienced some of the things I did, we humans have different responsibilities, different mindset, different hearts and different experiences. My complaints, rants, frustrations and stress always have explanations. You know the reason behind some things I am saying here.

At a glance, you think you know me.. but you don’t.

I am just like you, I have my share of sorrows, pains and hopes for morrows. I thirst, I get full; I hurt and I bleed. I do most of the things others do, just like you. I may laugh at your jokes and put a smile on my face but you know nothing what I feel and think deep inside. Just as much as I do not know about you, too. But that doesn’t mean I never cared, that I am so naive.

Sometimes I am reckless, impatient, rudderless, and insensitive. At times I can be too much, too overwhelming, a handful, too out of reach.

Speaking of not so good days, which I do not know why I am saying all these anyway but maybe it’s just me.. I am not feeling too well this past days, I am literally in pain. One of the things I dislike and do not want to deal with is pain. No matter how much familiar I am with pain, no matter how much pain I’ve dealt with in the past; even if it’s all I have ever felt at some point; it’s still painful and it stings every effin’ time. I wish there’s a fast forward button to healing, you know? Like you only have to take one single medicine and viola! You’re free from pain and illness.. but nope, it doesn’t work like that. A good friend of mine told me today, write it out and you’ll feel better and I did.. and it is helping.

Damn allergies and system! I wish there’s a shortcut to healing for sure as there’s shortcut to love, but there’s none. This is worse than love! Oh! It’s my allergies now that is making things more awful-ler(there’s no such word as that but if there’s worse than awful, I bet it’s that word hahaha) It reminds me of the past for the most part, the allergies that is. Fighting so hard to not feel depressed and sad from all these memories, you know? These were the allergies that made me feel so helpless and useless back in the day, and now I am really fighting it. It’s painful and it’s itchy; annoying and call it names and call me wuss but it’s stings. Somehow I am not in pain where I am dying like literally but pain is the least I expected to deal with. I know God is up to something yet again. A test, probably. Gah! Why oh why? I don’t know… teach me to be more patient or humble? Be more grateful? I do not know.

I feel like a poet who lost her gift the past days, a poet or a playwright wanting to write a masterpiece but couldn’t coz words and thoughts are locked up all inside. No muse or inspiration could ever awaken these thoughts but love. Hahaha! Geeez. I have been reading too much fairy tales and watching too much movies about people falling in and out of love and finding it all over again and I think and I am hallucinating, yeah? hahaha

I am no Shakespeare nor Harper Lee, I am just me and this is me, nobody else but me. I do not have a lot of sonnets, stories, nor poetry but I have myself and my very piece– which is called the journey of life of mishaps and misfits of Mikee. Teehee

Anywho, I gotta culminate this hoping for better days, more butterflies.. well f*ck butterflies, I want the zoo! Haha Yeah, and rainbows and unicorns and bubblegums and lollipops and cotton candies and sweet chums in life.. not bad for a prince charming, too. I think prince charming is too much, I can deal with an ordinary man, maybe not as charming, I am not looking for a hottie anyway.. Someone good. Yes, that’s it, a good man and not literally a prince, prince?! That’s rare. Too fancy. I’ll go for the good man. Hahahaha

One day. One day, one step at a time. Oh God, when will that time comes!? Ah! I don’t know, it’s a mystery! Oh well…

At a glance you think you know everything, but you know nothing. I don’t have pretenses. What you see, is what you get. However, it can be a lil bit complex, too coz what you see and what you think, isn’t always what it seems.

– Miss Cane

Introspection: Flashbacks and Reflections

If you’d rather live or die, it’s all in your hands. Same thing with living out of love or dying full of spite and hate. -MC

We all know life is only temporary, we don’t know when death will come knocking on our doors to tell us when it is time to go. It comes like a thief in the night and take life that easily without saying a word, without hesitation, without a doubt. We all know that our days are counted, specifically by time, sometimes by the moments and how we live our lives day to day. Given all these, shouldn’t we live life more than we ever should be?

It just came to me a few days ago, after watching a Filipino indie movie called “Tuhog” which means skewer that points specifically on people’s lives interconnecting with each other and how a certain accident, three people getting skewed in a tube all at once made an impact and looked back on the kind of life they are living. I have seen this movie a few times two years ago, and seeing it again, it reminded me and brought about a lot of things that happened to my life, to the people around me and how things used to be.

I am making this post not for just one particular person anyway, to whom it may due or this post is applicable to, or whoever may read this and find this useful, we all know that life is fleeting, you know, we are not certain of how long we will stay in this beautiful world and how long we will surround our loved ones with our presence, so instead of putting down people and treating them like sh*t, why don’t we spread love? We all know life is limited and our days are counted, isn’t this enough reason to love more, give more, be more kind and show more compassion to others?

Instead of bashing people and throwing a lot of things to them, including hurtful words, why don’t we throw love, compassion, kindness, understanding and more love that’d make people better, instead of making them bitter?

So instead of asking people to treat you with respect, how about ask yourself if you have enough respect for yourself to treat others the way they have to be treated? If you have a time to reflect on the past, and I am not suggesting this to make you look back and make you remember the past and make you feel bad, although that is part of it but I mean if you could look back at it and check where you are right now, shouldn’t you be grateful you’re still alive? That up to this very day, you’re still able to breathe freely and you still can hear, see, feel and be able to spend time to whoever you have to spend your life with? For all those challenges you have in life years ago, look at you now. You have had a whole lot of battles– just like everyone else. Isn’t that one way for you to understand others more? To remind us to be thankful of what we have and what we don’t. To remind us that others, just like you are fighting battles. It may not be totally the same but heck, if you are hurting, others are, too. Isn’t that also a reminder to stop hurting others and drag them to your dramas in life? Isn’t that a reminder that everyone have their own share of drama and dragging them to join you in their drama is already too much, instead of helping them get through their battles?

Most of us, too think that money and material things matters the most, that it’s what makes one happy and contented. We proudly share our things, which isn’t bad at all but if it’s the only thing that matters to one person or whoever it is, I don’t think that’s even good to start with. Flashing their new house, and “brand” new cars which isn’t really brand new, the places they have been to, the food you eat, how much makeup one wears and how “blessed” you are with your friends; but are they really your real friends?! They might give you compliments on your social media walls, and applause you for having a good life but do they really care about you? What if you have none of these things around you, will they be the kind of people who will stick with you and help you!? You show how comfortable and how happy life is– but are we really happy? You smile so big but is it really worth it? Are you happy, like genuinely happy? We usually think that just coz others don’t have what we have they are unhappy and they are envy?!

I have seen a lot of people from every walks of life, some I know nothing of, some I know in person. It’s just sad to see this though that instead of living our own lives and living how it is supposed to be — with love and giving love, sending kindness and compassion; most of us, or let’s say some of us, we are living our lives full of loathe and people full of pride, too stuck of the things of the past without forgiveness and dying never having it and knowing it, too. If people set aside pride and hatred, we could have a better world, or a better life for most of us. If people aren’t too biased to see things and if they see things on other perspective and open their eyes, ears, mind, arms and most of all heart to it and acknowledge what we have and we don’t and most of all, acknowledge love, kindness, compassion, and most of all forgiveness. If only we’ll acknowledge the lil things, a child’s cry and laugh, the beauty of nature, the smile of our loved ones, their presence; even how much they annoy the hell of us– all these things immaterial things that make up life.

Just because I am saying this doesn’t mean I am better than anyone else, and that I am perfect nor practice what I am saying here. I am a human like everyone else, I have my imperfections and I have my flaws. I am not saying this because I have better understanding but because I have experienced this personally and I know how it feels, to hurt people– may it be unintentional or intentional, and be hurt; to love so much to the core and not loved in return; to give and share in general but didn’t get the same; to fight battles I am not sure if it’s worth fighting but I am still holding on coz I know things will be better and life will be better in the end, or that whatever I am going through or anyone is going through, big or small, you’ll get through it. That no matter how much hopeless or tiring life can be, there’s always rainbow after the rain. Most of all, if you wanna be treated with love and respect, we must also give what we wanted to receive. Respect, love and kindness begets the same. That even if you don’t acknowledge God in your life, I know some don’t you still acknowledge these things that makes you grateful you’re still alive.

I hope everyday is a reminder for all of us, that life is short, unpredictable and precious. God is great and He his love is never ending. Life has a lot to offer, if we only open our beings and let love conquer.

Have a blessed day peepulz!

– MC

But Why, God?

This is a repost from my other blog which I thought I will keep but I might not or I might give up in the coming days.. it’s just something I need to copy before all data get lost.

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I wonder how many times do we have to forgive others and ourselves to be able survive, hold on to life and continue to live peacefully and harmoniously??

I am in a very bloody battle with myself right now, or it’s actually going on for days.. weeks even. Before anything else, I am sharing this not to come off as judgmental, hypocrite or pretentious prick who doesn’t know how to love, and someone rude or mean even. I am writing/ sharing this from experiences, and by experiences, I mean personal experiences, from real experiences. I didn’t woke up on the wrong side of the bed, but I am going through a phase as I may call it, for the better lack of term. It’s not to be bitter or ungrateful but I am at a point in my life where I have too many questions going on in my head from every aspect in my life. I know I haven’t been vocal or expressive on what’s going on with my life for a while now but for those who knew about it, it’s kind of a big deal for me.

BUT WHY, GOD!?

Why do I have to experience all of this? What have I done in the past life to deserve all of these I am going through, rather this kind of life I have right now!? WHY!?

Why do I need to fail too many times and when is my time?! How many times is enough before I can even say it’s my time.. or it’s Your perfect timing?!

Why did my family disowned me!? Why can’t I have a normal family like others? Or maybe not normal but a family who accepts me and loves me for who I am and not what they want me to be?

Why can’t I have someone who loves me as much as I love that person?!

Why can’t I love without sacrificing?!

Why is it so hard to forgive myself?!

Why do I love and care for people so much!? Why do I do what I do!?

Why are those people I chose to share my life with always and I mean always get myself hurting? Am I not worth loving!?

Why am I still alive!? What do I deserve to have this life!?

Why am I crying!?

An Open Letter to The Girl My Ex Cheated Me on

Lies can never become truths; no matter how many people believed them.

– Cindi Sansone-Braff

I have to start with Ms. Braff’s quote to sum up what I have done here. I have always been true and raw to what I write, no matter how odd, ugly and disgusting side it reflects of me… it’s still me in the end. I am me. I don’t sugarcoat bullshits and what I have always expressed are from real experiences and real stories.. which is my story.

Okay okay, before you utter any words, hold that up please. I don’t need your opinions or words about this. I have been wanting to write these many moons ago but something kept on holding me back. Don’t be the a**hat that pretends to know everything here, save yourself from the effort of whatever judgment you’re so wanting to throw to anyone, let alone yourself.

There’s a lot of open letters from a lot of authors all over the internet nowadays and it’s my turn to have one for someone. This letter isn’t copy-pasted, it’s from my own thoughts and heart specifically for someone I have never met personally yet I have had a lot of encounters over the internet from their dummy profiles on Facebook, from her friends and her “husband”. It’s been a long time coming, it’s been over three years since that day I decided to let go of someone and ironically this person was the one who’s not so over things. I am not sure if this letter will reach her nor if she will ever understand what I will write here. It’s not infinitive nor definitive, everything has reasons and explanations. Don’t assume that I wasn’t appreciative of what the other party gave me and stuff, for those who know the story, you don’t have to question me.. for those who don’t and have a lot of things to say against me, stop reading and move along.

There’s a saying, “Hindi ka makakapagsulat kung hindi ka pa nakakapagpatawad,” (one cannot write if there’s no forgiveness) and I strongly believe in it personally. I’ve been writing/ blogging for years and when a heart is heavy of something may it be emotions or whatever baggage one has, it’s so hard to write. Time heals, so here I am and without further a do here’s something for YOU.

To the girl my ex cheated me on,

Foremost, thank you for coming to our lives three years ago. It’s so weird I get to say this but I generally do not loathe you nor I am bitter to you ever since I learned about you. I never expected however, the time I have learned about you and met you. It was thru your sister, whom was his friend’s girlfriend, that also became my friends as I was introduced to them during my first visit in Australia. As my memory recollect that certain time I learned a “little” about you, I can still remember how it was. So vivid, I can even hear him and picture out his reactions when he saw that photo of yours. Those were the photos your sister posted from their vacation last April with her bf and his kids in the Philippines with you. I don’t know why I have to include that but what the hell, this is my post. Moving on, I still clearly remember the question he asked me about you. I never really paid attention to that in all honesty. I was so consumed with exhaustion and overwhelmed with emotions from moving to a new house with him and the kids. We were so busy setting the place, unpacking and arranging the things we brought with us from the old place. I never really looked into that time until things made sense one day at a time after I broke up with him and two weeks after that, you came into the picture and you are already in a relationship with him. Marvelous!

Those petty fights and arguments never really mattered until I realized things aren’t going anywhere. I thought, or I made myself believe that he’s just going through a phase.. you know? Both of us were too tired from moving to the new house and whatnots; his becoming so impatient and too insensitive and becoming cold was only because of the things we’re going through at that time. I just ignored.. or tried to.. I have sensed things aren’t “okay and cool” though I pretended it was okay and cool and that he just needed some space.. and so I gave him. He “met” you April of 2013, and I believe, if I am not mistaken and same time he asked your sister officially about you. He planned a vacation to Queensland, just the two of us, together before the big move and that was the following month of the same year. See, I am, like you, a Filipina. English is not my mother tongue and not my first language and during those times him and myself were together, we had challenges; these challenges includes communication. I strive so hard to reach out to him for the most part, and since I am still adjusting, him being an Aussie and the person that he is, he mocks and makes fun of my accent and my pronunciation most of the time so I was too conscious to talk most of the time. I built some insecurities deep down inside of me. Like a lot. Why am I saying this? I don’t know but because it’s part of the rest of the story? Oh well. We had one of the most intense fight over nonsense while on vacation, and it was one of the fights I didn’t know how to deal with. It was about the term “sandals” and “dress shoes”. I never knew the difference between the two, and the sandals I knew all along, my whole life is the ones that are fancier, with high heels. Yes, I admit, I do not know that term or the difference between that term until that time, and things got worse, too. He’s upset and never really wanted me to get one, and I was too keen but he never really cared… my heart ached so much not because I didn’t get the shoes but because of the fact that he was not interested and he never cared and he was just too– cold. We argued and he asked me if I was okay, all I ever told him was “yes” while in my head, I wanted to tell him that I am not and I am hurting. I tried to cheer up but I failed most of the time and I never talked to him the rest of the time until we got home from QLD. In my heart I wanted to talk to him and reach out to him, but I can’t talk coz I was too afraid that the words that will come out of my mouth will screw things up and make him even more upset and mad at me. I know, it wasn’t right. Or what I did, too wasn’t right, at all. I worry so much, yes. So much like I create things that aren’t there in the first place, and just like the old times, I wrote him a letter. But those letter, unlike the old times was appreciated no more. Things have settled a few days after, fast forward to the day I was going back to the Philippines, that was June. In between those times, I remembered things were getting colder between us. Even the time when I was getting ready to board for my flight to Darwin, I knew there’s something wrong… and this, this isn’t just something I have created in my head. This was because you messed up his head, rather his head is messed up because of the whole situation and there’s you everywhere, where you’re not suppose to be. You have created a big hump or lump in his head and his heart. To start with, our kind of love story isn’t the typical one. Our set up was kind of a mess actually. Long distance relationship that is. After my homecoming last June, we continued our love story through emails, text messages and Skype sessions like the usual, you know,  that same drill we used to have when things began.

Days and weeks passed, things were getting more and moooore cold. But I never thought that you were the one who’s responsible and the cause of that “effect” on him. I was too blinded, or maybe not too blinded but I pretended to be blind of what is happening coz I so wanted the relationship to work. I loved him, I wanted things to work out coz all along I thought he loved me, like I do him. Time flew fast, there came July, he decided he’d visit the family with his brother. That trip was planned few months prior so that was it. Just like any other relationships, we had challenges every now and then, despite the coldness, I kept on believing that those were just normal.. yep. I was too fool to believe all along, I know. I can still remember while waiting for him to arrive from Australia, things were quiet different from the past. We had a few moments like this from traveling back and forth between Philippines and Australia but this one, this very one is odd. I used to feel a bunch of butterflies in my tummy, not the “wanting to poo” kind of butterflies mind you, but too lame and too weak kind of butterflies fluttering inside of me stomach. Funny enough, when he got out of the place to where I was, he was grumpy. He got this “dispatcher” and called me in case I don’t know what I needed to do and where I needed to go. I was like, is this for real? Are you serious? I know I am kinda new to this set up and never flied so much from places to places but I am not that ignorant and most of all, stupid. Yes, I didn’t finish college; yes, I don’t know a whole lot of things but no, sir, I am not stupid like you think I am. But I never really took that too seriously… until one day, we had another fight. I kinda felt different, he is different towards me, he has changed. Big time. He’s gone colder–er than he used to be. That one day I was referring about that fight we had, I still can remember him saying these words: “All of you women just wanted money from me. My ex gf from Bulacan(which was the girl he was supposed to meet prior to meeting me and also his girlfriend that scammed him) and all you women just wanted one thing and that’s my money!” These words kept on repeating in my head.. loud and clear.. it kept on replaying, over and over again and I found myself crying, too surprised and dumbfounded on the words that just came out of his mouth, curled up in the corner of the other side of the bed, near that glass window… I was crying so hard, I couldn’t talk straight, I was panting and losing my breath every time I wanted to say something, and that all I can remember doing at the time was just cry and call Nanay. Never in my life I cried that hard with someone. He, on the other hand, he kept on mumbling and I remembered he uttered, “you are crying like you’re the victim.. you wanted to call Nanay and tell her about this. Sure, tell her, you, your nanay and your mind games!” It’s so weird I can hear his voice while I type, I can even see how he was that very same day. It was like I was in a dream, but it was really happening. I know I told him something, actually those were questions of disbelief, how dare him say those words? Like are you for real man? How could you? How dare you say I was after your money!? For all these times?! How??? I have so many questions while his words kept on replaying in my head.. over and over, all day that day. I thought of going back home that same day, or maybe go somewhere where he isn’t there. I was too sure, told Nanay I am going home but realized it’s not that easy. I am not a kid anymore, you know? Someone who can easily get out and escape whenever one wants to. I walked away too many times in certain situations but this, I can’t because I know I am way better than this. I am not a kid, I am a mature woman. I am not childish. I even talked about this matter to his brother, and he just told me that things will be okay and it will pass.. I hope so but nah.

There were a few more instances after those fights.. and it is getting worse and out of hand. Fast forward to the days he spent here with us, with my family. I never imagined spending the days with him this cold. I never asked for this, this isn’t what I signed up for. When I got into this relationship, this wasn’t what I hoped for. He treated me like sh*t, it came to the point where he wouldn’t talk to me like literally. He’d only talk to me when we are with family. There were a few times we went out and occasionally he’d talk to me and say things to me in front of them. So in short, it was all for show, to convince everyone we’re still happy and things are okay. I remember writing him a letter yet again, hoping he’d read it though I wasn’t sure if he did and the last thing there was wishing him happiness, whether it is with me or not. I don’t know why I did but I just felt there was something going on, and I never thought it was you.

Why am I saying all of these? I am saying all these because these “lil” things that happened in between makes up the “bigger” things that will happen in the coming days. It was getting worse, until that day when I decided to let him go. That was the turning point, when I have decided not for him but for myself that I am letting him go. I mentally, emotionally, physically and psychologically readied myself there. I broke down, cried my heart out in front of the family and decided that, this is it. He was still with me, physically but I know in my heart and in my mind he is too far away. His mind is wandering somewhere and is no longer with me, whilst his heart, is not beating for me– not anymore. I waited for the time to join him to Manila and send him off there on his flight to Aussie with his brother. I wasn’t sure what the future has in store for the both of us but I was sure that will be the last time I will see him and spend time with him in person. I still recall, hugging him for the last time felt empty. The warmth of those embrace that used to be there was long gone, telling me, “things are gonna be okay,” and I bid him goodbye. That was the last time, the time when I have to suffer and put up with his sh*ts and the last time to ever hear him tell me lies to to my face whenever he will say, “I love you” coz I know in my heart and in my whole being he doesn’t, or he stopped loving me or I don’t know if he ever did love me.

Those times were agonizing for me, being lied to, being treated so bad, so bad that he never talked to me when we’re together.. when there’s only the two of us. I caught him changing his passwords coz he wanted to get rid of me checking his stuff which was odd coz he never was like that before when we started even though I know at some point in time things will never last and somehow, some time, things will end. What I didn’t know that it was you. It was you whom the reason why he’s gone cold. I know that it was his choice but only when he met you… or maybe he never really loved me after all hey? I don’t know. Things were so different back then when you were out of the picture. During his stay in the Philippines, we also went to the immigration to process another Visitor’s Visa for me, we were hoping I’d get approved earlier than expected and we’d go back and fly to Australia together for the first time. We always wanted that moment to happen, but it never happened coz the visa took a lil longer… and that isn’t gonna happen either in the coming days. Why? Because the day we were suppose to celebrate, was the day I broke my silence and decided to end things for us. I received my visa the same day we are suppose to celebrate our anniversary. How cool is that?! I knew somehow he was waiting for me to do the move all along. He was too afraid to break the silence and tell me straight to my face that he no longer wanted me in his life. Putting all those pieces of the puzzle altogether gave things sense. Then there was clarity. When I told him I am breaking up, there were no second thoughts for him, like he was hoping for me to end it myself and set him free and never come back– like ever. I knew he wasn’t coming back at all. Still, I never knew it was because of you.

I never uttered any word to anyone aside from family about what happened, I was actually the quiet one at the time. Because why tell everyone about it? Him on the other hand told all of his friends, colleague, family and almost everyone about it. Burn. Haha. It sucks though coz what he told everyone were lies… guess what he told them? That I chose family over him. That I gave him up and chose to stay in the Philippines with family coz I love my family more than him. There were a whole lot of lies he told everyone, too great lies that he convinced everyone that it was all my fault and that I am such a perfectly imperfect person. I wasn’t sure as to what purpose he did those things for but all I know is that he is up to something.. until things made sense after two weeks when I learned he is already in a relationship. I don’t know what I felt at the time… I can’t recall actually. Or wasn’t sure if I ever felt anything at all. I felt like one of the blind mice back then, being played on so many times by someone whom you really love and care so dearly? I was kind of reluctant to share and trust anyone at the time, coz I felt so betrayed not just by one but by a lot of people. I knew there were also people behind this. A few people I know of, some close to me, some I thought were my “friends”. God is so good, He had someone told me about it, I learned about it through a mutual friend of ours, and you know what she told me? That the ex cheated on me… and I was like I knew it! I f*cking knew it. Now it made sense! Things made sense for ducksake!

And you know what? She told me that he was already communicating with you since May.. sooooo… now it is really making sense. Although I must say what it gave me were the feels of finally getting those lost pieces of the puzzle I have been looking for. Finally! What’s annoyingly funny is him. Of all the people I expected to betray me, it was him that I least expected, and it doesn’t end there just yet.. Worse, as guilty as he is, he was the one who spread the news to everyone.. like literally. How can such a grown man do that? Seriously? At some point I thought I loved the wrong person… I felt disgusted in a way. How can I love someone like that? Was I really blinded by that love to not see and realize what kind of a monster he is!? But you know what? I am thankful! Or if there’s another term stronger than thankful.. how about grateful? Yeah?

You crossing in that same road where both of us were walking was a great blessing in disguise. Thank you really. Thank you for saving me from wrath! Thank you, most especially for saving my life from misery. I am happy or thrilled to say this publicly, on this blog that I am grateful that you came. It could’ve been worse, you know? If you never came, I prolly will still be with him.. maybe.. I mean I really wouldn’t know any of that if you didn’t came. My intention of this letter isn’t to degrade you nor tell the world what kind of a person both of you are. See, that time when things didn’t worked out for him and myself, I had too many questions back then. Too many that I can’t recall all of the ones I asked God, even my family. Those times though I tell you honestly were the ones I disliked because of the questions people often asks me whenever they learn that we ended the relationship.

I learned to embrace the upsides and downsides of it all, mostly upsides. To you, to the girl whom my ex cheated me on, thank you. Also, I would like you to know before I culminate this letter many things I have always wanted to tell you all these days.

For all the hassle you gave me and my family, I forgive you. For all the pains and the hurts you all caused me, I forgive you. I do not intend to express myself and post this to put shame on you.. although you are suppose to feel that anyway. hahaha

Seriously though, I just want to say that I am never and ever will be insecure and I do not envy you. I may have a lot of insecurities back then, but never in my life have I envied you. The person you are with who is, also your husband presently is the person who used to make me feel so bad and so insecure, who also was the reason why I became someone else and who stopped me from doing some of the things that I love– including blogging. I will never ever eveeer envy you and wish to be in your place anymore like I used to, back in the day. I do not want to be spending my life with someone who is a control freak. Yes, you might have your high technology gadgets, your Mac PC, iPad, Samsung Galaxy S4 or S5 smartphones, lovely dresses, expensive and branded bags and shoes, a bunch of makeups, one car in the Philippines and another car in Aus, a house, money, perfumes, flowers, furnitures, motorcycle, piercings and tattoos, friends, food and bubble baths you publicly posted on Facebook, I DO NOT F*CKING CARE. There is NO FUCKING WAY I ENVY YOU and I WILL NEVER GET JEALOUS OF YOU and feel sorry of the choices I made back then. You have all these things but you are still empty. You may look “happy” like you depict in your photos on social effing medias, but at the end of the day you’re still broken. B-R-O-K-E-N.

You are entitled to post whatever you want to post, and no one is stopping you from doing all of that, I still don’t care. Money and material things isn’t what makes the world go round. I never finished my degree in college but still, education isn’t enough to measure what kind of a person you are. Class, dignity and morality takes a long way. Beauty is never measured on how much makeup you put on your face, nor how silky smooth your skin is, not even in the brand of bags and shoes you’re wearing nor the length of the dress you have on. The gadgets you have in your hands doesn’t make up how rich you are, nor how educated a person is. Money can never buy morals, dignity, class and beauty. Beauty is measured not by looks but by heart, and how you deal with people. Stop assuming girl. By the way, stop comparing yourself to me. I am me, I am not you and you, will never be me. It is pathetic knowing what you have been doing all these days, too. You know? Why so jealous and insecure? Mind you, there’s no cure for insecurity. I am the ex gf, and you girl, is now the trophy wife. You should stop spying on me, and stop making my Facebook page an amusement park. You should be happy knowing where you are right now. You are married, though i am not sure if it is because of love or is it just because of money. I know somethings, too. Things I never thought I will know but I will never mention them here, it’s not worth it anyway.

There’s a saying that states: “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” please do not apply this to your situation coz he’s not a treasure… he’s a trash. He’s proved that long time ago.

I may never have the things that you have, materially and physically– but I am happy. I may never have my bio family with me, but that’s another story. I am not insecure, neither thirsty of attention and a famewhore. I do not post stuff on social medias for many “likes” but I post because I can and I want to regardless of the likes and how many audience I have. Both of you should stop belittling us.. me and my family. I never hooked with someone and be in a relationship for money or because I can benefit from that person. Go figure. I don’t make stories just to get people’s sympathy and convince them to believe me to put down someone. I am not fond of rumors, neither fond of spreading confidential things about others and ruin people’s lives. In short, I am not like you and I AM NOT YOU.

A word of advice, you are a married person so if I were you, you better mind your husband. He is your “business” now so mind him, mind your own business instead of minding other people’s business’. The victim mindset, too by the way, no one will ever buy that anymore. I hope you’ll find your happiness soon.

It’s such a pity… I don’t know if it’s for you or your family. I have so much to tell but I won’t go there… You have a wonderful family girl, but you ruined it and wasted your life for a trash.

Life has been so great for me. However, I hope that you’ll be able to move on like I did. hahaha

Please, stop assuming that I haven’t moved on and that I am stuck, okay? Just because I am still single these days doesn’t mean that I haven’t moved on yet. Ohh ahh. hahaha

I just know what I want and what I do not. I have learned a lot from the past and I am very very careful and picky of who I talk to and invest my time and energy into. Relationships and marriage isn’t something I will rush like I used to before. It’s not something like what your husband did, that when he’s not into someone, he’d treat her like sh*t and push her away. That’s cowardice. That’s not what real men do. Real men with real balls and packages. Well, I wonder if he’s a man to start with.

Moreover, this isn’t a race on who’s going to marry first and who’s last. There’s no deadline here, girl. That experience taught me a lot, one of it is never ever settle for something less than I deserve. Also, it’s enough to be involve with someone who rejects the good one and settle for something “in demand”… and that, reminds me of the saying: Nice people are rejected by people who cannot afford. (coz cheaps things are in demand )

It’s funny how opposite things are, with you and with me. No girl, your situation is not something I will ever envy of and wish I am in. I am speaking for myself from my experiences, and not from others. I have been there, and I don’t wanna be there anymore like EVER. Talking about karma, don’t ever and never ever use that against me coz I never did any harm to anyone, I never spread rumors and things against someone, I minded my own business and I wasn’t the one who lied, and most of all cheated and I never got into relationship because of money. Nah nah.

You have all your gadgets, riches and so called friends who’s only good when you have something but at the end of the day, what matters is how much kindness you give and how happy you are with your life and the choices you made.

Good luck and all the best to you and your husband, to your life.

Lastly, I hope you understand any of this. Hahahahaha        

Okay? Thanks, bye.

– Miss Cane

Poetry: Someone. Soon.

Someone. Soon.
Mikee Cane

I need someone who won’t quit on me.
Someone who know how and when to fight.
Someone who will stay loyal and means what he says.
Someone who will love me dearly.

Someone who’s got a good heart,
who fights and who doesn’t just dream but work,
someone who encourages and uplift;
not put you down and discourage and who will give you a grip;

Someone who will listen,
but wait, maybe I am asking too much.
I just need someone who will be there for me.
Someone whom I will love deeply.

Someone who will stick, who won’t quit when sh*t gets rough.
Who will still stick with me even when the going gets tough.
Someone whom I will call home,
and at the end of the day, who won’t make me feel alone.

I wish, oh I wish.
I dream, yes I am dreaming again.
I don’t know if this will happen, the future is uncertain.
One day, someday. You’ll make it, I will meet you.
I will meet that someone. Soon.