Month: November 2015

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to all of my friends in ‘Murica!

It’s a little late but somehow there’s still places in the US that are celebrating. Haha

I have a lot of things and people to be thankful for and it’s not just today but every single day. For my life itself, for the air I breathe and the lungs I breathe in. Simply just for everything! Thank you Daddy God!

I hope y’all enjoy your day and thankful for what you have and you don’t have and you will have, whatever that may be. Be blessed and stay safe peepulz!

Steady, Steady

Psalm

When I felt my feet slipping, You came with Your love and kept me steady. – Psalm 94:18

My heart is heavy, my head throbbing with pain and I just wanna burst. I woke up with a heavy heart, well most days I do and it’s been months now. Oh how I wish this will end soon.

When you can’t swim or you’re tired of swimming, lay your back and float; they say, and when you’re ready keep swimming, they say. Sometimes I just want to collapse and just lay down there and do nothing. I know I am sick or I am feeling something’s wrong with my system, I so wanna give in but I can’t coz things aren’t okay yet and that no one’s gonna help my cousin take care of things and take care of Nanay.

Ah! Such is life!

God and His ingenious and weird ways! I really don’t know how much challenges and struggles I can withstand anymore, I have been through a lot, just like others but these days I’ve felt like I just wanna drown and just submerge myself in the water and stop breathing. Or I wanna go somewhere and get caught on something I might slip and fall down or whatsoever. But I am better than that… It’s always easier said than done.

I have never loved this kind of situation, I have never asked for this and yes, I have no choice. A friend of mine reminded me that… or I needed this time for him to tell me that, I missed him, it’s been a while since I have heard his voice but I can hear him saying whenever he tells me that I can do this, that I need to keep going not for others but for myself and he said to find my Chi.. I guess I really need not to find my Chi, I know where it is, it’s never just somewhere.. he is one of my Chi, among others things and people. Some days are harder than other days and this day is one of the hardest but still grateful.

There are also friends who reminds me to stay strong and I am always grateful, I can only thank them and I still need to be strong however.

I am so looking forward for this to end yet at the back of my head, it’s saying something like “be still, be steady and enjoy the journey, this is just temporary.” Or maybe it’s not just something from my subconscious but God telling me that things will be okay. God is looking after us still, with friends and family that surrounds us. Grateful for the people He sent us with, for those who’s still here with us in thoughts and in spirit.

Black and Blue

I wish there’s an easy way to explain pain in not so painful way. -MC

I am too lost for words still. I have too much emotions I’ve been keeping to myself these days/ weeks/ months. Too much pain, exhaustion, disappointments, sorrows, hopelessness, anxiety; emotionally, physically, mentally and psychologically.. not forgetting financially struggling among other things. I am still keeping my head bowed down, still trying to figure out what God is up to these days.

If there’s an easy way to explain, that’s what I will do. It’s been a while since I posted something on here about what’s going on with us lately. We are having a hard time since, even before we got home from the hospital. It’s been almost two months since Nanay got the stroke but time seems too slow for us… It still felt like it was yesterday, not from weeks ago or a month ago. Nanay’s improvement is too slow, too. It was great at the start, like a few days after she got home from the hospital, she was frail yet you know she’s still fighting and yearning to get well but the past weeks and these days, it’s different.

As the days passed it is also excruciating to watch her memory deteriorates. I do not have a single clue what is happening with Nanay; whether if  what we are going through is temporary; whether Nanay’s gonna be okay, or will she remain like this forever. We have been to the doctor yet it’s not clear as to what she’s really going through. She explained to us about her EEG, the stroke, some of the downsides of strokes but the memory and stuff, I have no idea really.

My cousin and I decided to stop giving Nanay her sleeping medication since I have a gut feeling there’s something to be in it that affects Nanay’s improvements. We had her take it from those days we had a hard time sleeping since she couldn’t sleep and she keeps on calling us and tell us random stories of the past and situations and experiences we never know. So far, since we stopped giving her, she had more improvements but there are also downsides, too. It even gets frustrating and if there’s worse term than that of excruciating, that’s it.

We also thought she’s going through dementia, which also makes sense these days but I don’t know how to deal with this anymore. Staying strong and pretending to be strong, and doing what I need to do; I am so exhausted. Someone said I need a vacation or I need a break; I said I don’t need one. I need money to pay the debts off and I need a miracle for Nanay to back to normal, or at least her memory to be back and not like this.

I am not sure how much more strength I have and how longer I can hang on and hold on to this hope. I still have hope and faith yet some days it seemed that it’s never enough to even carry on. I used to cry it all out and after which, I will feel better and gives me comfort for some time. But these days, crying never helps. If only it’s like in the movies when someone in the family gets sick, one just cries and sheds tears and as tears fall down on the patient’s skin, it heals them just like that. You know? I wish there’s an easy way to this but unfortunately there’s only one way. I wish somehow I am still in a dream, trapped and still asleep dealing all of this, that one day I will wake up and things are still normal. I wish.

I am thankful for there may not be a lot of people who understands nor care, I am still blessed to be able to have people around me I call family. I am still grateful that I am still alive and that I am still able to take care of Nanay despite and in spite of. It’s never so easy to deal with the situation we are in; most days it’s like going to the battlefield. The ones we see in movies or we read in history is better coz you’ll know who you’re fighting against, you can have a battle plan, you know what swords and armories to use and you can always anticipate on how to fight and how to deal with the counterpart. But this fight I am , it’s always unpredictable, you don’t know how to fight, you don’t even know what this fight is for. I just know that I am hoping nanay will be okay, that things will eventually be okay and get this over and done with. I hope God will understand me, too as to why I get to question Him at times, I am only human. This life isn’t a bed of roses, this life also has crosses. That someday, somehow this will make sense. I know God’s plan and ways are better than mine, so I will still fight no matter what.

Quote of the Day: Love Yourself.

Mikee Cane

At the end of the day, no one else is gon’ be there for you but yourself. Love yourself. You deserve to receive the love for yourself the same love you give to others. – Mikee Cane

I am lost for words these days so here’s something from my brain overdrive…

Have a great weekend peepulz 🙂