Category: Uncategorized

04-08-2018

I’ve always kept my circle of friends small as possible. Ever since elementary days, I was never with a lot of kids for the same reason: I can’t trust anyone and most of these people will only be there when they want something. Having said that, it doesn’t mean I’ve always been like this. I opened up myself to people and invested in friendship and most often than not, I end up burning bridges. It’s always been the same, the same cycle, the same behavior, the same disappointment from different people. Now that I am older, it’s still the same and I kept on giving myself and people chances and still, nothing changes. I sometimes wonder if there’s something wrong with me or maybe I just pick the wrong people or maybe, my circle is meant to be small. I always, like always end up getting hurt expecting that these ‘friends’ I call are really my friends so I figured it is better to keep one good friend than have plenty. No expectations, no involvement, no disappointments and no pain from it. I know I’m not the only one who feels like this or experienced this, I hope you’re stronger than I am and I hope you’ll find your own circle. -sm

Introspection.

So after some time, like a long time actually, I am back on here and it feels weird, that kind of weird when you read the posts, it feels like I am reading someone else’s life story.

I do not intend on using this blog anymore but have been putting it off and been holding on this one hoping I’d change my mind later.

There’s a lot of things that happened between those times and I am grateful for all of those things. Looking back at those years where I was and who I am with, it feels different, like I am a completely different person and I wonder how I ended up there.

Anywho, I hope y’all are doing great and in good spirits. Have a blessed life everyone!

Rainbow and Sunshine

 

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Processed with VSCO with a6 preset
Processed with VSCO with a6 preset
Processed with VSCO with a6 preset

I woke up late today from sleeping so late last night, getting carried away by the last blog post. I am not expecting anything special today, though I know I will be doing some things and will run a few errands I haven’t done last weekend. I walked out of the house not knowing what to expect until I saw the skies without the haze, sun is shining beautifully, blue skies with gigantic nimbus clouds, so fluffy; so comforting and then I saw some yummy looking clouds like cotton candies and a rainbow! It was like a dessert!

Oh how great is our God! It made me chuckle of how ingenious His ways are. I feel at ease, I feel hopeful and I feel great, I know and I have a feeling things will get better soon. Seeing the rainbow reminded me of the song Rainbow by South Border and the rest of the day I’ve been singing the line: “There’s a rainbow always after the rain..”

I don’t know how things will turn out but I have faith, that no matter how big the storm is, it will come to pass. Storms don’t last that long, so as troubles. Rainbows and sunshine is a reminder from God that troubles, heartaches, pains and sorrows will surely come to pass, hold strong in your faith and rainbows will bring fresh beginnings and prosperity. Hopefully. I don’t know how but I know it will. Even if technically and literally rainbow is caused by the reflection and dispersion of  light in water/water droplets in the clouds or in the sky as I recall from the television show I watched during elementary days. Haha

I am not really sure if there’s such thing as pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, I am not even after the pot of gold if that is true. Money or material things are not what I am after, although I have mentioned in the past post that we are indeed in need of help financially only because of the expenses from hospitalization and Nanay’s medicines.

Aside from the rainbows and sunshine, my day was uneventful.. interestingly though, I watched a movie with cousin tonight which is called “The Book of Life” with seemingly interesting story line. It’s not the typical animation movie that’d attract me firsthand. It’s mostly about Mexican’s/Latino’s tradition which is similar to ours, too. It’s the Day of the Dead which we also celebrate here in the Philippines(originally from Spain’s).  It’s telling a story and sharing a cultural background in a different perspective, odd animation, funny puns and great story about life, family, tradition and culture, love, acceptance, kindness, being selfless, being who you are and writing your own story, and death. I enjoyed the whole movie and reminded me of a lot of things that are connected to my situation right now and the soundtracks of the movie’s so cool, too. I have been repeating the song “No Matter Where You Are” by Us the Duo. It’s the love song of the lead roles Manolo and Maria yet it’s also something that God wants me to know:

I won’t let you fall
I won’t let you go
No matter where you are
No matter where you are, I’ll be there.

Thank you, God. 🙂

 

When Being Strong is the Only Option..

So the past Sunday, I blogged about feeling not so nice and then the next day, we rushed Nanay to the hospital coz she had a bad stroke.. like so bad you just wish it didn’t happen and for what happened, you wondered where all those strength came from; how we were able to bring Nanay to the hospital in time– before things get worse and stuff.. I wished it was just a bad dream really. It was excruciating and I cannot fathom what I felt or what we have been through the past days. Seeing Nanay restless, with restraints and in the ICU and with just a thousand pesos literally in hand. Financially, emotionally, physically and mentally challenged at the moment.

I don’t feel like writing but I am just not feeling so myself right now, I feel so down and so want to break down and cry my heart out, I feel exhausted but I have to be strong, pretend to be strong for us, for the family. I humbly ask for your prayers for Nanay’s recovery. We’re still fighting the battle and hopefully we’ll get through this storm in time. I have faith, bigger than a mustard seed; greater than my worries and fears.

Musings: Rejection and Acceptance

Just when you thought you finally met someone, or got to where you thought you should be — reality bites you hard that it gives you some kind of pain you wish you could take or inject some kind of pain killers that you’d never want to feel pain again. It’s kinda harsh example that one but I am not just talking about those experiences to exaggerate and make pity out of myself but that’s just what it felt when I experienced it.

This has been the same routine for me over and over for some time now. Where I have my hopes up, sometimes just enough hope to get me motivated only to find out it’s not meant for me or it’s only a season and it’s not meant to stay for long. Oh how I wish things will change really. A few months ago I took the leap only to know eventually that it wasn’t worth it and that I’d find myself ending up rejected — literally and metaphorically.

I have been flooding/reposting some old posts today which I thought were worth keeping and read them again and realized it’s been a while since I really got caught on writing/ expressing myself. I lost my moxie.. or maybe not. My moxie is still here, it’s just I haven’t been as motivated as I was and there’s just a lot of things I needed to take care of back then. Reality just sank in after a few days.. I thought I’d be okay and that I was ready until then, I realized it still effing hurts. Being rejected effing hurts! F*ck! I thought I am over this or I am already familiar with the feeling but every effing time, it still hurts.

I am done with the denial phase yet trying to accept things one day at a time, that it happened and that I was rejected, that my expectations never happened coz there’s something better in store for me.. as if. Thinking about why God let this happen or why it didn’t worked out. Then I realized God doesn’t withhold things to punish you but to protect you. It’s either the wrong time or the wrong thing. Although I still don’t know when is the right time and the right thing going to happen, it’s kinda tiring somehow but still, no matter how much I say I am tired and I am closing the doors, I still leave a lil space for that door so it’s still a lil open. I will still have that hope and the faith no matter how little it may be, I know in my heart things will change and better things will come my way.

It just sucked thinking about how much true I have been to my words and how kind or how good I try to be; how much I fought for it; how much effort I put into it, I still end up heartbroken, sad and in pain. I may sound confusing or I may sound in doubt and I may not make sense, but one day, all of these effort, fighting and kindness will be rewarded. No matter how much tedious this journey may be, I will keep on fighting even if at times I don’t know what I am really fighting for and who this is for… God is looking after me.

I guess I just have to go through different seasons to learn and to prepare myself from what is meant for me. I am looking forward to those lovely days where joy is ten times better than pain. 🙂

Good night peepulz 🙂

#impromptu

It’s one of my post from February 3 this year, I forgot to post.

 

Something

Mikee Cane

You give me something..

Something I couldn’t even figure out what.

Something that makes me miss you even more when I don’t get to talk to you.

Something unexplainable, something beautiful.

And it’s growing, it is growing that I can’t help but just let it grow.

Something I just thought of writing. A feeling that is familiar from the past, but I couldn’t remember for whom. And I don’t care for whom.. I just remembered how it felt. It felt lovely. It felt strange and it felt new. :)

It’s the love month, so I am hoping to post more about love in lieu with the love month celebration, and I promise I won’t be bitter.. hahaha.

There’s so much to celebrate, life itself, is celebrated!

Until then.. Seeyuz!