Just when you thought you finally met someone, or got to where you thought you should be — reality bites you hard that it gives you some kind of pain you wish you could take or inject some kind of pain killers that you’d never want to feel pain again. It’s kinda harsh example that one but I am not just talking about those experiences to exaggerate and make pity out of myself but that’s just what it felt when I experienced it.
This has been the same routine for me over and over for some time now. Where I have my hopes up, sometimes just enough hope to get me motivated only to find out it’s not meant for me or it’s only a season and it’s not meant to stay for long. Oh how I wish things will change really. A few months ago I took the leap only to know eventually that it wasn’t worth it and that I’d find myself ending up rejected — literally and metaphorically.
I have been flooding/reposting some old posts today which I thought were worth keeping and read them again and realized it’s been a while since I really got caught on writing/ expressing myself. I lost my moxie.. or maybe not. My moxie is still here, it’s just I haven’t been as motivated as I was and there’s just a lot of things I needed to take care of back then. Reality just sank in after a few days.. I thought I’d be okay and that I was ready until then, I realized it still effing hurts. Being rejected effing hurts! F*ck! I thought I am over this or I am already familiar with the feeling but every effing time, it still hurts.
I am done with the denial phase yet trying to accept things one day at a time, that it happened and that I was rejected, that my expectations never happened coz there’s something better in store for me.. as if. Thinking about why God let this happen or why it didn’t worked out. Then I realized God doesn’t withhold things to punish you but to protect you. It’s either the wrong time or the wrong thing. Although I still don’t know when is the right time and the right thing going to happen, it’s kinda tiring somehow but still, no matter how much I say I am tired and I am closing the doors, I still leave a lil space for that door so it’s still a lil open. I will still have that hope and the faith no matter how little it may be, I know in my heart things will change and better things will come my way.
It just sucked thinking about how much true I have been to my words and how kind or how good I try to be; how much I fought for it; how much effort I put into it, I still end up heartbroken, sad and in pain. I may sound confusing or I may sound in doubt and I may not make sense, but one day, all of these effort, fighting and kindness will be rewarded. No matter how much tedious this journey may be, I will keep on fighting even if at times I don’t know what I am really fighting for and who this is for… God is looking after me.
I guess I just have to go through different seasons to learn and to prepare myself from what is meant for me. I am looking forward to those lovely days where joy is ten times better than pain. 🙂
I have been on hiatus for posting a fraction of my thoughts lately not because I don’t have anything to say but I just didn’t have the time and I do not know how to even express it to start with.
I used to talk to someone for few weeks and didn’t end so nicely and pondered on what went wrong and how to improve to not let it happen in the future.
It’s somehow a bummer though to shut things down on a whim but I had to. It is not always easy walking away.
Walking away. Yes.
Just because of the term itself, it looked and sounded like it is so easy for others but it is not. Now I know and I understand how it feels.. And walking away doesn’t always mean fear alone but some times it means you’re done dealing with things and instead of complicating it you choose to end it. Why prolong the agony, right? But nah. It isn’t always like that. We tend to simplify things for our sake but in reality, walking away is never ever easy.
It also depends on the situation for the most part, relationship wise.
It reminds me of the saying what you see is not always what it seems.
Just because someone chose or opted to walk away doesn’t mean the person is not going through things as well. Each one of us, every individual has his/her own battles and not everyone sees it like that. Most of us think that the world revolves only around ourselves, that we are the only ones who’s going through a lot and we forget that others have their own struggles and battles, too.
I admit, I forget this sometimes and I give judgment to people but human as I am, I made mistakes, too. But I am thankful enough to have and be surrounded by people who reminds me that the world isn’t just about me.
However it saddens me that there are also others that really care less and sometimes, they don’t.
Others give you advices and say words and think that they are always right and say no offense meant or I don’t mean to be rude but they already are rude. Hahaha
Ironic, isn’t it? Sometimes people act and say things like they know everything. Oh sure, you do! But if we really look closer, do you really know what’s going on? Sometimes what we perceive isn’t always what it seems. We often act like we know who these people are but we don’t. Just coz we see people smiling doesn’t mean they’re happy or they’re okay.
This isn’t a relationship advise, however. I just want to blurt out on the things that have been running here and there in the puny corner of me mind.
This is just reality. And this isn’t just something that happened to me but surely it happened to anybody. May not be the same experiences but sure did happened. 🙂
And even with these mean people is going through something, too. I just hope and pray that they’ll somehow realize that it’s not about them and that walking away is never easy. I am not saying however that it is right, nonetheless. We all have different experiences and battles and hope that whatever it may be, if it can be resolved then we should before walking away happens.
But the reasons I had for walking isn’t just for myself but for the people that was involved. I never regret the choices I made however. I chose peace. I chose freedom. Freedom from the pain and freedom from the negativity of the people and the situation. It hurts leaving the people behind and shutting everything down but staying and holding on isn’t working.. So what’s the point? It wasn’t easy dealing every single day missing the people you used to be with. Not seeing them and talk to them like you used to. Hear them laugh and cry with them and cheer them up when they need it. Those lil things. It wasn’t easy getting used to the pain of not having them.. It’s worse than losing someone through death. You know they won’t be there physically although it won’t apply to everybody. But to walk away with people who still exist physically and pretend that they don’t is not. So yeah. Where I am isn’t where I wanted to be but it is way better than where I used to be. Those experiences I went through was all worth it. It taught me a lot, and helped me understand myself and know what others have to go through. I am humbled and like I always say, I am not who I was. I have accepted the fact that we can’t always stay in other people’s lives.. We don’t always have to be with them but that doesn’t mean we can stop loving them and care for them. We still can but from a distance 🙂
There are still a lot of unspoken pains, regrets, love and a whole lot of emotions yet time will tell and time will let it speak for itself.
For now, I will continue what I have started and still strive for the bestest. Haha. All of these words can’t sum it all up but that’ll do for now.
On the lighter side, I am thankful for today! Yay! I have so many firsts. Hahaha
First time for a long time I feel like a real adult haha
Doing stuff for myself and pushing myself to do better and to do the things I so wanted to do for a long time.
Went to town with Nanay and cousin today and went to the bank to do transactions for my personal account and had a first and funny encounter with the bank’s Electronic Assitance for queues. I was looking for a slot where to insert the card when there’s none. Bloody hell! Hahahahahahaha
I was the 50th person to be called so I decided to go to the other branch and use the other machine for a certain transaction. I really don’t do well with machines! That was fun alright! Hahaha
First to work on a personal account and work on a project(hopefully will sort this out soon..i still can’t wrap my head around it yet but i will get there. I will make sure of that! Aja!)
What a lovely day! Thank you God for the blessings! I am enjoying this to bits. And with the matters of the heart, I am still working on it. No rush. Haha
Looking forward for the coming days.. I am not sure what’s next but this I say, BRING IT ON Daddy GOD!
pray. love. live. laugh. 