Musings: Once in a Lifetime

Life’s never easy, it never was but once in a lifetime, you meet someone who’s worth all these sacrifices, worth all these pains and those times that you need to hold on to life a little bit more and overcome the bumps, challenges and struggles along the way. Someone who will give light, someone who is your purpose, someone who will give life more meaning and more happiness. Someone who appreciates you and is proud of you, someone is willing to give time and attention without reservations; no ifs and buts, no maybes and we-shall-sees; someone who always stays and never leaves, someone who’s there with you all along. And most of all, someone you will love and will love you like you’ve never love and never been loved before. -MC

Pain, Pain Go Away.

As I was looking at my photo, projecting a smile… Oh God, I tell myself. I wish you all knew, I wish I can tell y’all what I am going through.. or the things I have been thinking all these times, the feelings I have been keeping to myself. The experiences, challenges, struggles, pains I have dealt with. But that won’t matter, never will. I know there are a lot of people going through a lot, worse than me. So I guess it’s better this way hey?

When you’re told about wishing you’ll be living the rest of your life miserable and unhappy and tell you there’ll be nothing left for you.. or they’ll take away everything from you; like literally. But all I can say is there’s nothing left to lose anyway, just take everything coz only thing that I have these days that one can take away is this life I am living. I don’t have my family, no more family is waiting for me. I have nothing really, not anything that I can even call mine.

I am not really afraid if I would die anytime soon, coz there’s nothing left of me anyway but at the same time, even though life gives me reasons not to want to live my life, I still want to live. I may not have anyone or anything to live for, or I guess I have but not even sure if I am even reciprocated or I guess I still have a reason to live, not anyone else but myself and prove them that I will do it and I can do it. Life is what I make it, no matter if I will be miserable or not, it’s my choice. It’s my life. It’s always up to me.

For now, I am drenched and listening to The Carpenters’ songs which makes the roller coaster of emotions worse and worth it.

Oh I wish I will get over this pain soon as the year is ending soon, too and hoping for a better year this 2016.

Rain, Rain Go Away.

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To enjoy the rainbow, first enjoy the rain. – Paulo Coelho

This is a long overdue post and photo, actually this was taken from a month ago, when we were on our way to the cemetery last November 1st to celebrate All Saints’ and Souls’ Day.

I so thought this rainbow was for us, or I assumed it was for us. It’s been a month and things have been worse for us in between those dates however I have been grateful for those times for it taught me heaps. On how to remain humble and keep the faith despite and in spite of. We are still going through a lot even these days and I am looking forward to better days. It’s not that I am not enjoying or I want to skip the whole process of things but this year’s been tough and I just hope it gets better for real.

I hope one day we will get through these days where we have to beg and ask, where we have to make promises when to pay the next bills or rents coz I am really so not used to it. I feel like I have no more face to show for real.. It’s never my thing to ask too much and beg for the most part… Ugh. Oh my lawd! Sometimes God teaches us something in weird ways and situations that feels like a big joke but I know this is also something to remind me about life.

I have questioned God too many times, it’s kinda frustrating for I never got the answer yet.. well to most of it. Maybe I really don’t need a rainbow to tell me things will be better coz one day, someday it will be okay. These days I still feel so lost, feeling nuts and don’t know how to deal with things yet I am still faithful and I keep humility despite the times when so want to burst and flare up to the point where I want to just throw things and hurt myself physically kind of flaring up. Like scream my heart out what the heck is wrong or what have I done wrong to ever deserve this but I know and I feel all of this struggles will become the most beautiful things that happened to us… I know it isn’t just us who are in pain but there are a lot of people in atrocities, from all over the world. Who could be in their worst and things and experiences unimaginable, I hope there’s still enough love and faith in all of us to continue to spread love and give kindness to others who are in need and treat people better and with more understanding coz we don’t know what battles they are fighting, too.

I am tryin’ and doing my best to really enjoy the rain.. or storm for the most part even if most times I feel like life is fvcked up and rain shouldn’t be like this. I maybe all soaked up in pain, frustrations, stress, depression and more pains, it’s not gonna rain forever anyway. My rainbow is gonna come soon. Hopefully.

Farewell, Thank You.

The only people who fear death are those with regrets. – Anonymous

Last October 5th, Nanay had a stroke and we are grateful and we celebrate she’s alive, even if she’s not yet feeling 100% but we are far from blessed to know that she has no paralysis and no brain damage for the most part. Illness, may it be the most deadly and simple, you’ll really never know when it gets you. Same thing with death, you just don’t know when death really comes knocking on your door.

This morning I just learned that a friend passed away from stroke that they have to do a neuro surgery and led to complications and eventually he gave in and let go. Kuya Joseph, thank you for sharing your life to many. Farewell Kuya.

Today’s the Day of the Dead / All Souls’ Day as we call it in the Philippines. May this day and all of the days be a reminder for us to celebrate and cherish life; with our loved ones and friends. No matter how much struggle and atrocities we are in, be thankful for we are all alive and we are surrounded by great things and great people. Remember to be kind to one another, for we never know what battles each of us are going through and more, we don’t know when death is really coming. But before death comes, don’t waste life worrying and complaining for what you don’t have, don’t get stuck and throw life away regretting for what you could’ve done; instead be grateful you are alive and you’re loved and be happy.

Rest in peace Kuya Jhom, you will be missed and you will always be remembered. Your kindness will always be remembered. Thank you for reminding me once again of how great this life is.

Ah! Life..

Crying with Thoughts.

Some cry with tears, others with thoughts. – Unknown

I have been saving that quote for a while since I direly need to pour my heart out through words. I cannot fathom as to why or what is making me feel this way. I know it’s not just about family but there’s something more. Something I know will happen; like I’ve been anticipating on it but just not sure what or how things will happen or I just don’t know. My heart is aching, it felt like I’ve been stabbed a few times and it’s bleeding; blood is running out that it’s so hard to breathe. The kind that you want to squeeze your heart and take it out so it’ll feel better; Or take it out and stab it million times so it’ll stop beating and just end it. I wanted to say something but I can’t because I have no strength to do so and I don’t even know as to whom I will address these thoughts to. Or maybe I know to whom but I don’t know how to say it. It felt like my tongue is tied and throat is cut and whenever I try to open my mouth the cut opens up and bleeds so bad. For all of these, I should be dead by now but I am not, things are slow, it feels like I am dying but a slow death or more.. it feels like a paralysis crawling from my feet up to the brain and pain is slowly taking over things. Pain that is familiar, something I have felt before yet strangely enough, there’s more to it; something stronger; something mean and something drastic and I couldn’t have it any other way. F*ck it!

I don’t know really. I wish I could just explain it and I could just cry my heart out and get rid of this feeling. It hurts so bad and what’s worse is I don’t know why. I wish I knew. I wish someone knew. I wish someone can just tell me it’s okay. I. Wish.

Don’t ever say I am over thinking, that I am just being paranoid and it’s nonsense. Or that I am only depressed and or I am being mental. No. I am neither. Or maybe I am over thinking but what the heck. It’s not thy demons and monstrosities taking over me at the moment. It’s something more than that. I am exhausted. I can’t even. How much more pain do I have to go through to be totally okay!? How many times do I have to feel this pain again and again until I am finally there!?

Introspections.

I thought of checking my drafts of my old blog which is why I am here and why I came up to this. I have always thought of writing myself a letter, I saw some clips and videos of a professor who made his students wrote a letter for themselves when they get old and let them read after many years… that’d be interesting to give myself that, you know?

If you could write a letter to your past self, what would it be?

Are you going to be grateful enough for what you are at the moment?

Or you’re gonna be spiteful for missing a whole lot of things?

Will you be able to thank the people who walked with you? Or you’ll be full of regrets looking back?

How many smiles you ever gave to others way back when?

How many lives have you touched?

How many difference did you make?

How many people were happy because of your existence? Or did you ever thought of that? Nor ever made one person happy?

Did it ever came to you how many times you think you lived a life worthwhile? Or you just live it getting by?

How many times have you wasted?

How many chances and risks did you ever take?

We’re you brave enough or you got scaredy cat?

Regardless, I hope you still find to thank yourself for what you’ve been through. And I hope things have been better in today compared to what you had in the past. 🙂